parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my mom has literally been sending me and my sisters screen shots from Brene Brown that have been taken out of context. The way she is interpreting it is enabling. I'm irritated.

I can't cancel, it's too late now.

OP. Your Mom is always going to take BS' side and not the twin's. Just the dynamic. Incredibly, you don't have much of an issue with that. You rightly have the issue with your parents' insistence that you not obtain apology, acknowledgment or accountability out of your BS. That's the 'crime'. All you can do is hold fast that there will not be interaction if that discussion isn't had. And by had, with the BS taking responsibility, not with your Mom coddling her through it. Invite your parents to your location for one afternoon/evening on Saturday, your BS can be wherever she is during that time. Leave it at that. You want the kids to see their grandparents, but not at the sacrifice of your dignity or sanity.

[Anonymous]

This whole trip sounds like one big pumpkin spiced nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you have a lot of resentment. I agree you should just drop it. You're a bean counter and remembering every little slight is not doing you any good. Be the better person, OP. This is your family, like it or not.

What horrible advice. Some family members can be terribly abusive and op's parents sound abusive with the sister.

Op you know you need to drop your time with your parents way down. Can you uninvite them? It's outrageous that your older sister thinks she has to be invited to everything you do and pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

+1 This is what I was thinking.

She's not complaining about more child care, she's rightfully complaining about how entitled, unappreciative her sister is and how unequal her parents treat her on the few occasions they do babysit. She's not wrong. But, whatever, we live that too.

Her parents favor the older sister, do not respect boundaries, and the older sister sounds like a complete nightmare.

Frankly, she has every right to plan the trip she wants. And this upcoming one sounds like a nightmare. I'd probably get a sep suite and avoid as much as possible. Next year, plan accordingly. And tell them why in as calm a way as possible. And if they cannot see how toxic they are, then this trip stays with you and your twin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

Terrible advice. This is advice from someone completely broken inside. No way your "BFF" is living her happiest life. Her happiest life would be coming to terms with her parents. Cutting them off is quitting. OP has not said anything that implies cutting off her family would be sensible. It's crazy advice.

This is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Lots of damaged people trying to get others to follow the same sad route they did.

You're delusional. Op's parents don't sound like healthy people and taking a break from people who don't respect you can improve things. I experienced something similar with a relative and the break was necessary for that family member to realize that putting up with their insults, rudeness and entitled behavior was not going to work anymore. We eventually did things as a family again and taking that break and establishing boundaries helped. Your assumption that people who stand up to abuse are actually less happy is just crazy. How do you know what would make someone else's life "happiest"? This, in and of itself, shows you are overbearing and do not understand boundaries. Let me guess, are you super religious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unlikely you'll ever receive the validation and resolution from your older sister and even your parents. At this point, I'd probably create a 3-way text with your twin and your older sister and say something like: "Mom told me that you'd like to join the trip that I planned to WV. Here's a link to the accommodations so that you can book a stay. Before the trip, I'd like to schedule a time the three of us can speak. This trip means a lot to me and my kids, so I'd like it to be a positive experience and not enter the trip with a great deal of awkwardness and anger. I'd like to share with you how I've experienced some of our recent interactions so that we can arrive at a resolution that might make this trip more enjoyable."

She'll be defensive, but you will have a chance to express yourself. You can only control your actions.

LOL, this is a blueprint for starting off the trip on the wrong foot. Jeez people.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

It’s not that big a deal that she gets more childcare, I get that she lives nearby but the fact that she throws it in my face and our other sisters face like she’s entitled to it and doesn’t recognize it’s a huge privilege is problematic and said it’s hurtful for me to even recognize her privilege… The other piece is when her child came along, visits with my family mostly stopped. We used to see them more frequently, they used to come for the day just to spend the day with the kids, even if I was at work and this literally stopped. Cold Turkey. Instead of special days with grandparents which they were always welcome to do….we have a 3 hour visit where they come to my house for lunch and abruptly leave when my dad is just done. They have made a big deal about being able to see my niece grow up when we aren’t that far at all. We have a nice guest room and cook and always treat them to a nice meal. It’s the dramatic change in attention my kids get, who have begun to notice. They truly do prioritize my niece over any other grandkids and minimize the kids may feel hurt.

This isn't your sister's fault, it's your parents. And they seem to like her better. My parents like me better than my sister- is it my fault that I am more likable?

[Anonymous]

I’d write I’m surprised you are coming as you didn’t enjoy yourself the last time. You know the resort so if someone else invited you, you can make your own arrangements.

If she got you to pay somehow, I would add that “ do not expect me to pay for any of your accommodations “.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

Terrible advice. This is advice from someone completely broken inside. No way your "BFF" is living her happiest life. Her happiest life would be coming to terms with her parents. Cutting them off is quitting. OP has not said anything that implies cutting off her family would be sensible. It's crazy advice.

This is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Lots of damaged people trying to get others to follow the same sad route they did.

You're delusional. Op's parents don't sound like healthy people and taking a break from people who don't respect you can improve things. I experienced something similar with a relative and the break was necessary for that family member to realize that putting up with their insults, rudeness and entitled behavior was not going to work anymore. We eventually did things as a family again and taking that break and establishing boundaries helped. Your assumption that people who stand up to abuse are actually less happy is just crazy. How do you know what would make someone else's life "happiest"? This, in and of itself, shows you are overbearing and do not understand boundaries. Let me guess, are you super religious?

Cool your jets. I was responding to the post above. See, this is the problem with damaged people -- everything is about THEM. My response is not about you. I was responding to another post.

Again, this is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Bunch of kooks who can't see beyond their own noses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

Terrible advice. This is advice from someone completely broken inside. No way your "BFF" is living her happiest life. Her happiest life would be coming to terms with her parents. Cutting them off is quitting. OP has not said anything that implies cutting off her family would be sensible. It's crazy advice.

This is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Lots of damaged people trying to get others to follow the same sad route they did.

You're delusional. Op's parents don't sound like healthy people and taking a break from people who don't respect you can improve things. I experienced something similar with a relative and the break was necessary for that family member to realize that putting up with their insults, rudeness and entitled behavior was not going to work anymore. We eventually did things as a family again and taking that break and establishing boundaries helped. Your assumption that people who stand up to abuse are actually less happy is just crazy. How do you know what would make someone else's life "happiest"? This, in and of itself, shows you are overbearing and do not understand boundaries. Let me guess, are you super religious?

Cool your jets. I was responding to the post above. See, this is the problem with damaged people -- everything is about THEM. My response is not about you. I was responding to another post.

Again, this is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Bunch of kooks who can't see beyond their own noses.

PP again. And LOL to the bolded. Good grief, what a strange assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unlikely you'll ever receive the validation and resolution from your older sister and even your parents. At this point, I'd probably create a 3-way text with your twin and your older sister and say something like: "Mom told me that you'd like to join the trip that I planned to WV. Here's a link to the accommodations so that you can book a stay. Before the trip, I'd like to schedule a time the three of us can speak. This trip means a lot to me and my kids, so I'd like it to be a positive experience and not enter the trip with a great deal of awkwardness and anger. I'd like to share with you how I've experienced some of our recent interactions so that we can arrive at a resolution that might make this trip more enjoyable."

She'll be defensive, but you will have a chance to express yourself. You can only control your actions.

LOL, this is a blueprint for starting off the trip on the wrong foot. Jeez people.

Why?

"Before we go, I'd like us all to sit down so I can tell you my grievances about your behavior." What? Can't you all just try to enjoy each other's company for one weekend, even though the other people may be flawed?

What if the shit that spills about OP shocks the hell out of her -- or do you really think they have no grievances about HER, and is she ready to hear that and THEN have a weekend together?

Come on, a little bit of common sense goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

So you learned not to trust the sister OR your parents in the future. Take note and remember for next time.

For this time, you cannot stop your sister from coming - assuming she has her own place to stay. Just be cordial. It's all you can do.

Keep visiting hours with the parents And thus sister to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you learned not to trust the sister OR your parents in the future. Take note and remember for next time.

For this time, you cannot stop your sister from coming - assuming she has her own place to stay. Just be cordial. It's all you can do.

Keep visiting hours with the parents And thus sister to a minimum.

This. It's the best you can do at this point.