parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

[Anonymous]

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, we see them all the time, but I wouldn’t leave them for 48 hours with a 5 and 7 year old. Honestly it would be too much for them.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are in their 70’s and you live two hours away, they aren’t babysitting. This is only an issue it you lived as close to them as your sister or if she lived as far away as you.

Why did you invite your parents? If your older sister isn’t staying with you, why do you care? We’re you hoping your parents would spend time alone with your kids? I’m just not understanding what is setting you off in this situation. I understand the history but I’m not seeing what the trigger is other than you don’t like her.

[Anonymous]

It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

It’s not that big a deal that she gets more childcare, I get that she lives nearby but the fact that she throws it in my face and our other sisters face like she’s entitled to it and doesn’t recognize it’s a huge privilege is problematic and said it’s hurtful for me to even recognize her privilege… The other piece is when her child came along, visits with my family mostly stopped. We used to see them more frequently, they used to come for the day just to spend the day with the kids, even if I was at work and this literally stopped. Cold Turkey. Instead of special days with grandparents which they were always welcome to do….we have a 3 hour visit where they come to my house for lunch and abruptly leave when my dad is just done. They have made a big deal about being able to see my niece grow up when we aren’t that far at all. We have a nice guest room and cook and always treat them to a nice meal. It’s the dramatic change in attention my kids get, who have begun to notice. They truly do prioritize my niece over any other grandkids and minimize the kids may feel hurt.

Have you ever just told them that your children and you would like to spend more time with them and have longer weekends it just sounds like there's a lot of poor communication here where for example they agree to babysit but you don't seem to hammer out the actual timeline?

I also wonder if they are getting older and just do not feel comfortable staying in your house for some reason and want to be able to stay in their own bed

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are mostly mad at how your parents are behaving but are putting it on your sister. It’s not her fault that your parents prioritize her and stopped spending time with your kids when hers were born. That’s on your parents. Also, agree with everyone that you are feeding the drama. Who spends a year planning a weekend away (that you do every year so presumably there is not a lot planning and research necessary)

[Anonymous]

You need to get some therapy. You sound very muddled in your thinking and could use some help in decision making and avoiding drama.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like part of this is anger at your dad for being overwhelmed by your kids and not Sister’s single girl child. Are you resentful of that?

If so, that is a bit unfair. As a mom of two rather rambunctious boys myself, they can be a lot for grandparents to handle. Now they are older not so much, but I can totally see how grandparents could get overwhelmed by them and not my brother’s angelic daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

+1 This is what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

It's unlikely you'll ever receive the validation and resolution from your older sister and even your parents. At this point, I'd probably create a 3-way text with your twin and your older sister and say something like: "Mom told me that you'd like to join the trip that I planned to WV. Here's a link to the accommodations so that you can book a stay. Before the trip, I'd like to schedule a time the three of us can speak. This trip means a lot to me and my kids, so I'd like it to be a positive experience and not enter the trip with a great deal of awkwardness and anger. I'd like to share with you how I've experienced some of our recent interactions so that we can arrive at a resolution that might make this trip more enjoyable."

She'll be defensive, but you will have a chance to express yourself. You can only control your actions.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, not sure whether you have resolved this already, but if not, i would talk to your twin sister about what she'd like to do. If you are in agreement that you don't want older sister to come, then you can respond to her text and let her know that there must have been some misunderstanding between your mother and older sister. Your mother didn't discuss this with you and twin before inviting older sister and you aren't in a position to alter your plans. And don't provide additional details.

You likely will get some blowback from your mother, to which you can respond that your mother should not have invited your older sister, but since she did, it is up to her to communicate any information relating to the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

It’s not that big a deal that she gets more childcare, I get that she lives nearby but the fact that she throws it in my face and our other sisters face like she’s entitled to it and doesn’t recognize it’s a huge privilege is problematic and said it’s hurtful for me to even recognize her privilege… The other piece is when her child came along, visits with my family mostly stopped. We used to see them more frequently, they used to come for the day just to spend the day with the kids, even if I was at work and this literally stopped. Cold Turkey. Instead of special days with grandparents which they were always welcome to do….we have a 3 hour visit where they come to my house for lunch and abruptly leave when my dad is just done. They have made a big deal about being able to see my niece grow up when we aren’t that far at all. We have a nice guest room and cook and always treat them to a nice meal. It’s the dramatic change in attention my kids get, who have begun to notice. They truly do prioritize my niece over any other grandkids and minimize the kids may feel hurt.

OP, you’re not going to get any resolution until you are also able to correctly identify your part in this. It’s ridiculous to say you don’t care about your sister getting free child care but then in the same sentence saying she needs to “recognize her privilege”. What exactly do you expect your sister to do, she lives near your parents and they help her with child care, but you need her to apparently kiss your feet to make you feel better about it? When your sister had kids and your kids were no longer the only grandkids, of course your parents weren’t going to be able to spend as much time with your kids, especially since you live 2 hours away. I wouldn’t want to regularly make a 4 hour round trip on the weekends now let alone when I’m in my 70s, so your expectation of that needs to be adjusted. I’m sure your sister has her share of faults, but you sound completely self-absorbed and absolutely exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need a therapist to help you set boundaries

Your parents are NEVER EVER going to be who you want them to be. Mine won’t be either. But I let that nonsense go in my early twenties and can navigate them with fairly low contact.

When your parents ask to go on vacation with you, the answer is no. When jerky sister texts that she wants to be on vacation with you, your response should be “this vacation was not intended for the full family.”

The only person you should spend time with is your twin sister. And that is assuming she is actually a supportive sister.

Tell your mom you are ignoring all Brene Brown texts and that if she cannot drop this, she and your dad will be seeing WV mostly on their own.

You are creating some of this drama by not recognizing who people are. Again, get a therapist.

Sure. Then OP can get butt hurt that her older sister and her parents get along so well without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

Terrible advice. This is advice from someone completely broken inside. No way your "BFF" is living her happiest life. Her happiest life would be coming to terms with her parents. Cutting them off is quitting. OP has not said anything that implies cutting off her family would be sensible. It's crazy advice.

This is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Lots of damaged people trying to get others to follow the same sad route they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unlikely you'll ever receive the validation and resolution from your older sister and even your parents. At this point, I'd probably create a 3-way text with your twin and your older sister and say something like: "Mom told me that you'd like to join the trip that I planned to WV. Here's a link to the accommodations so that you can book a stay. Before the trip, I'd like to schedule a time the three of us can speak. This trip means a lot to me and my kids, so I'd like it to be a positive experience and not enter the trip with a great deal of awkwardness and anger. I'd like to share with you how I've experienced some of our recent interactions so that we can arrive at a resolution that might make this trip more enjoyable."

She'll be defensive, but you will have a chance to express yourself. You can only control your actions.

LOL, this is a blueprint for starting off the trip on the wrong foot. Jeez people.