parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

[Anonymous]

OP I think you have the right idea to pull back, accept this is how they are and find your comfort zone. You can't change the dynamic so no need to be so invested in it.

If you and your twin hang out no need to tell anyone or post photos (if you normally do). Don't make plans with parents that can't be crashed by sister. Stay in a hotel when you visit and always have an escape excuse.

I relate to so many things you wrote and I got sick of trying to explain to anyone who doesn't have this dynamic. I used to get worked up like your post, but now I expect the crazy and when it comes I think "yep, there it is, typical." They will not change because it's all they know and it brings them some sort of strange comfort to keep doing what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much complaining. Couldn’t even understand the op beyond that.

NP here. You aren't very bright and I'd bet you're someone who lives to take advantage of other people. You know it is the queen bees who get all the attention and get their way all the time who post this bright sided bullshot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you have the right idea to pull back, accept this is how they are and find your comfort zone. You can't change the dynamic so no need to be so invested in it.

If you and your twin hang out no need to tell anyone or post photos (if you normally do). Don't make plans with parents that can't be crashed by sister. Stay in a hotel when you visit and always have an escape excuse.

I relate to so many things you wrote and I got sick of trying to explain to anyone who doesn't have this dynamic. I used to get worked up like your post, but now I expect the crazy and when it comes I think "yep, there it is, typical." They will not change because it's all they know and it brings them some sort of strange comfort to keep doing what they do.

+1 this dynamic exists in my family of origin too. My mom moved to the west coast to be near my sister about 15 years ago. It hurt a lot when I was younger and I was resentful. My sister got all of the help, money, and support our mom had to offer, even though my sister never had children or a demanding career (or a career at all, really). I’m now approaching 50 and DGAF.

OP, your original post resonated with me. One year, my mom invited my sister to come with her on a visit to see my family without asking me. Yep, she invited my sister and BIL to stay at my house without even running it by me. We hadn’t seen my mom in over a year at that point. My mom wouldn’t uninvite my sister, so I did. It was super awkward, but my sister is hard to take and I really didn’t want to include her. I’ve got dozens of similar stories. My mom has also done the thing where she invites herself on my family’s trips and then tries to include my sister. I’ve stopped mentioning vacations.

My mom favors my sister. I don’t even think my mom likes me or my husband. I’ve accepted it.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so this was the big weekend. How did it go? What happened?

[Anonymous]

OP here. It was fine. My parents came and did not bring up my older sister. They honestly didn't see us a ton of the time as they stayed in their suite both mornings until 10/11 am and then left early from the park to retreat and rest which was fine. I had totally unrelated hiccups traveling to the cabin but we all made it there and it was beautiful weather. It was really nice seeing my twin sister+her kids. The kids always have a great time...they played their little hearts out. I think everyone had a good time. My biggest regret is that we weren't able to stay for 3 nights. I doubt my twin sis will come again, at least for a while because it really was hard driving 6 hours each way for just 2 nights but we made the most of our limited time together.

I am in fact exhausted today.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you had a nice weekend and was able to enjoy it with your twin sister and her kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

OP, your sister is close to your parents, therefore making frequent childcare possible. You are envious of that.
You arranged your life so that you plan frequent vacations. She is envious of that.

It isn't different. The point is that we all make life choices and have our own forms of privilege. We shouldn't be expected to somehow apologize for that to other people that don't have the exact same.

The difference is that Op is not harassing her parents demanding childcare. Sister is whining to the whole family demanding free vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

OP, your sister is close to your parents, therefore making frequent childcare possible. You are envious of that.
You arranged your life so that you plan frequent vacations. She is envious of that.

It isn't different. The point is that we all make life choices and have our own forms of privilege. We shouldn't be expected to somehow apologize for that to other people that don't have the exact same.

The difference is that Op is not harassing her parents demanding childcare. Sister is whining to the whole family demanding free vacations.

Where did sister whine to the family and who said anything about it being free?

To the contrary, OP originally wrote " I didn't even think my older sister wanted to come as she again, hadn't voiced ANY interest since I mentioned I was going." Only AFTER OP made a big deal out of it did sister send something that was "like" an apology" that "indicated she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not."

And note that those are the only two references to what sister said, interspersed between MULTIPLE times that OP admitted to "demanding" that sister "recognize her privilege" in getting childcare.

It isn't different. And if it is, OP is worse.