Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

Oh jeez. Have you told him you like yo celebrate your bday? Bdays are a big deal when you’re a child…

[Anonymous]

When he said ‘you’re birthday is coming up!’ what did you say in response? Did you say ‘yes! I can’t wait to see what fun thing you have planned!’ Or was something like ‘yes, that’s right’ with no elaboration? I think in 6 months, you would know if this guy is thoughtful or not. And putting such high expectations (you’ll break up with him over this?!) without explicit instructions seems unfair to him. I get that you had a conversation about how your ex didn’t celebrate your birthday the way that you liked, but just one conversation without laying out what it is that you DO want…not enough to make it break up worthy. DH and I don’t exchange gifts on our birthdays, maybe we did when we were very first dating, but I can’t remember. We like to plan our own ways of celebrating- I like pick a restaurant, maybe he wants to do a specific activity etc.

You still have time though! Rather than sit and wait and see if he will pass muster or not, maybe reach out to him and ask? Say since you’ll be out of town for dinner on your birthday, could you make plans for X date when you get back? Maybe he is planning to surprise you with fancy breakfast at your door first thing in the morning before your flight. Maybe he will show up at your door tomorrow with roses and a gift, or be waiting at the airport with a sign when you come home again. But if he needs to do something like this in order to keep dating you, I would spell it out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the posters attacking OP have their birthdays acknowledged.
(Cue the posters who will chime in to say how their birthday is just another day, they don’t expect to get any acknowledgement, they don’t need anything.).

Exactly. How many people on this board post about how their spouse never acknowledged Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc, and their feelings were hurt. Better to suss this info now and address accordingly.

14:50 here. I didn't attacked OP but suggested she be more explicit in her expectations. I've been married 20+ years. My DH has not been the greatest at recognizing/celebrating me and, yes, there's been hurt feelings and arguments over it. So I get how it feels.

I gently suggest that this is baggage that is bleeding over from her last relationship. Even in established relationships there will be miscommunications and hurt feelings when one person hasn't given or hasn't heard a particular message. Given the broad range of what people expect on their birthdays, it is not unreasonable for this guy not to realize just how strong OP feels about it and how much is riding on how he handles it. OP is catastrophizing something that hasn't even happened! That, truly, is an indication that something is off.

OP is perfectly within her rights to want to be with someone that she doesn't have to put effort into getting them to recognize/celebrate her birthday in the way she wants. But, this is going to be an issue that she takes to every relationship she starts. It would behoove her to do some work on herself regarding it. I also suspect it isn't the only baggage she's carrying from her last relationship. (And, I mean this in a really kind way. It totally sucks having these feelings.)

[Anonymous]

Ignore the DCUM Cool Girls, OP. You’re still early enough in the relationship that he should be putting his best foot forward and you shouldn’t have to spell out to a partner that you’d like him to celebrate your birthday. That’s such a low bar.

It’s like the threads we get every mother’s day and Valentine’s Day from wives upset that their DHs dropped the ball. The response is always “just buy yourself something next year and make your own dinner reservation.” Seriously the bar is in hell. And it totally misses the point of having someone plan something nice for you on their own initiative.

It’s like a BJ. Sure it’s still nice if you ask for it and get it, ut getting it unprompted is a whole different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the DCUM Cool Girls, OP. You’re still early enough in the relationship that he should be putting his best foot forward and you shouldn’t have to spell out to a partner that you’d like him to celebrate your birthday. That’s such a low bar.

It’s like the threads we get every mother’s day and Valentine’s Day from wives upset that their DHs dropped the ball. The response is always “just buy yourself something next year and make your own dinner reservation.” Seriously the bar is in hell. And it totally misses the point of having someone plan something nice for you on their own initiative.

It’s like a BJ. Sure it’s still nice if you ask for it and get it, ut getting it unprompted is a whole different thing.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the posters attacking OP have their birthdays acknowledged.
(Cue the posters who will chime in to say how their birthday is just another day, they don’t expect to get any acknowledgement, they don’t need anything.).

Except Ops birthday hasnt actually happened yet so she's freaking out for no reason.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous for an adult to make such a fuss over their birthdays that they expect plans and acknowledgement weeks before the actual day.andbto have ended two relationships over it.


My birthday is close to a holiday some years we celebrate on the day or a few weeks or before or after. I actually don't care for the dinner portion. A call or text from family/ friends and a card and or happy birthday from my SO is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the DCUM Cool Girls, OP. You’re still early enough in the relationship that he should be putting his best foot forward and you shouldn’t have to spell out to a partner that you’d like him to celebrate your birthday. That’s such a low bar.

It’s like the threads we get every mother’s day and Valentine’s Day from wives upset that their DHs dropped the ball. The response is always “just buy yourself something next year and make your own dinner reservation.” Seriously the bar is in hell. And it totally misses the point of having someone plan something nice for you on their own initiative.

It’s like a BJ. Sure it’s still nice if you ask for it and get it, ut getting it unprompted is a whole different thing.

THIS.

Sockpupetting is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he said ‘you’re birthday is coming up!’ what did you say in response? Did you say ‘yes! I can’t wait to see what fun thing you have planned!’ Or was something like ‘yes, that’s right’ with no elaboration? I think in 6 months, you would know if this guy is thoughtful or not. And putting such high expectations (you’ll break up with him over this?!) without explicit instructions seems unfair to him. I get that you had a conversation about how your ex didn’t celebrate your birthday the way that you liked, but just one conversation without laying out what it is that you DO want…not enough to make it break up worthy. DH and I don’t exchange gifts on our birthdays, maybe we did when we were very first dating, but I can’t remember. We like to plan our own ways of celebrating- I like pick a restaurant, maybe he wants to do a specific activity etc.

You still have time though! Rather than sit and wait and see if he will pass muster or not, maybe reach out to him and ask? Say since you’ll be out of town for dinner on your birthday, could you make plans for X date when you get back? Maybe he is planning to surprise you with fancy breakfast at your door first thing in the morning before your flight. Maybe he will show up at your door tomorrow with roses and a gift, or be waiting at the airport with a sign when you come home again. But if he needs to do something like this in order to keep dating you, I would spell it out!

No op doesn't have a right to gigantic birthday celebration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the posters attacking OP have their birthdays acknowledged.
(Cue the posters who will chime in to say how their birthday is just another day, they don’t expect to get any acknowledgement, they don’t need anything.).

Exactly. How many people on this board post about how their spouse never acknowledged Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc, and their feelings were hurt. Better to suss this info now and address accordingly.

14:50 here. I didn't attacked OP but suggested she be more explicit in her expectations. I've been married 20+ years. My DH has not been the greatest at recognizing/celebrating me and, yes, there's been hurt feelings and arguments over it. So I get how it feels.

I gently suggest that this is baggage that is bleeding over from her last relationship. Even in established relationships there will be miscommunications and hurt feelings when one person hasn't given or hasn't heard a particular message. Given the broad range of what people expect on their birthdays, it is not unreasonable for this guy not to realize just how strong OP feels about it and how much is riding on how he handles it. OP is catastrophizing something that hasn't even happened! That, truly, is an indication that something is off.

OP is perfectly within her rights to want to be with someone that she doesn't have to put effort into getting them to recognize/celebrate her birthday in the way she wants. But, this is going to be an issue that she takes to every relationship she starts. It would behoove her to do some work on herself regarding it. I also suspect it isn't the only baggage she's carrying from her last relationship. (And, I mean this in a really kind way. It totally sucks having these feelings.)

Not if her significant other handles it differently. My husband and I aren't really into birthdays, but we start discussing them a few weeks before the day, just a "I was thinking about doing this for you for your birthday" or "is there anything in particular you would like?" conversation.

I definitely think OP has baggage about this, and you are so right, it's fine to have baggage about something. So I think that's why she is getting really nervous about what looks like a dwindling window for things to turn out the way she is hoping instead of just waiting and seeing.

[Anonymous]

Break up for his sake.

[Anonymous]

OP, check back in Friday. Who knows what he has planned or maybe it’s surprise. Seems like a ton of stress over possibly nothing.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing.

For all op knows her bf could have arranged to have flowers and a massage sent to her hotel. Or he could be planning to fly in to surprise her.

Her birthday isn't here yet and she's freaking out.

And not only is she preemptively mad she both refuses to say what she would like or to be surprised.

I hope she does freak out at him so he can know what he's dealing with

[Anonymous]

You can dump him for any reason you want. Trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is causing you to doubt that he’s planning to remember your birthday?

I dated a guy for about five months and had a gut feeling he’d forget my birthday. I mentioned the birthday about a week beforehand, and even the day prior he acknowledged we’d do something fun for my birthday. Well, his idea of fun was ghosting me, then later in the day contacting me to say he’d spent the day comforting a friend whose wife had died from cancer. Only - he’d gone fishing that morning. And - he never mentioned that friend before or after that day.

I’m not saying it’s at all typical for a person to intentionally try to disappoint you on your birthday. But there are some that are so inexplicably demented they do, under the guise of plausible deniability. If your birthday comes and goes and you discover you are dealing with someone like this - run and never look back. I stayed in for another month if you can believe it. It got exponentially worse from there.

[Anonymous]

100% team OP. She already used her words and told him that birthdays are important to her. And yet he hasn’t bothered to talk about plans when her birthday is only two days away? Not cool. 6 months in he should focused on making her happy (and vice versa). Doesn’t seem like he’s doing that.