Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

If you were the love of his life, he would move closer to you. He can be a retiree anywhere, but it will be hard for you to find another job that compares with what you have now. He wouldn’t ask you to give it up if he really loved you.

This. My husband gave up a job offer in another state because I was unwilling to move. He couldn’t imagine a life without me, but knew there would always be other job offers.

He’s not committed to you. He’s using buzzwords hoping they’ll make you do what he wants, and it’s working.

*When we were dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go, but that is me. I am divorced and mid-40s. I moved when I was married for a man. I will never do it again. Ever.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

Agree with this. So many posters are painting this guy as some kind of villain when he's just saying what he wants and how he feels. He's probably right that it won't work out if you guys do long distance. Nothing wrong with both of you deciding what you want isn't compatible with continuing a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

Agree with this. So many posters are painting this guy as some kind of villain when he's just saying what he wants and how he feels. He's probably right that it won't work out if you guys do long distance. Nothing wrong with both of you deciding what you want isn't compatible with continuing a relationship.

Not a villain, but utterly self-focused. He's showing no thought at all for the future of his girlfriend who is 10 years his junior, in a job she likes, at a peak period for her career, and who is likely to outlive him, leaving her there in the retirement spot he (not both of them together) chose.

OP says he isn't discussing this, he is handing her an ultimatum.

That's not the same as expressing "what he wants and how he feels" and then asking her what she wants and feels. Not the same at all. He doesn't get a pass for being some kind of sensitive guy who's expressing his feelings; he's saying what his demand is (she gives up her job and moves to the place of his choosing) and what the consequence will be for her if she doesn't meet his demand. That's not the behavior of someone who feels truly concerned for the other person or who wants to find a compromise solution. That's an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

Agree with this. So many posters are painting this guy as some kind of villain when he's just saying what he wants and how he feels. He's probably right that it won't work out if you guys do long distance. Nothing wrong with both of you deciding what you want isn't compatible with continuing a relationship.

His request is an entirely selfish one. They're not married, she has no financial security except for what she earns and saves herself, and he had no regard to her situation at all. If this were my sister I'd tell her to break up with the guy.

[Anonymous]

Also, how many horror stories have we heard about professionals in their 50s unable to find new jobs despite good qualifications. OP, don’t take this ultimatum. It’s a bad bad bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

You’re the love of his life, but if you don’t change (give up the career you enjoy that you’ve devoted yourself to developing), he’s done with you?

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

You don’t have him to lose.

I think there are three different scenarios here:

1. You have a committed relationship (ex. marriage or some equivalent) in which case you decide what works best for the couple and if someone has to sacrifice the other compensates. If you knew you could count on him and he was willing to support you in retirement, then it would be worth a discussion (eith the conclusion not predetermined) of what would work best for the couple unit. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

2. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and you have equally positive options, one of which would coincide with his choices. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

3. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and it’s every man or woman for themselves. THIS IS YOUR SITUATION. He’s made the choice that works best for himself (moving to North Carolina). He’s also chosen that if you don’t move with him, and get a less stressful job, he’s not interested in maintaining the relationship.

A relationship takes two people to work. I speak from experience that one person cannot keep a relationship going by themselves. Right now, you’re trying to make things work as a couple, while he’s thinking as an individual who will allow you to be with him as long as it’s convenient for him. You do not have him to lose.

New poster. The above is one of the clearest, most direct posts I've ever seen on DCUM. OP, re-read the post above.

And if your BF truly cared about your future without him (as in -- if he were thinking ahead to what would be best for YOU after he dies first, which is likely), he would marry you to give you the legal other protections of being a spouse. He also would be willing to compromise now on where he lives, since he is the free agent re: work, and you are not. He would want you to be happy and fulfilled, and your current job makes you happy and fulfilled. He is thinking only of the present and creating a lifestyle HE wants, not about YOUR future, OP. I'm sorry.

This is very true. Listen to these people. Also, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go, but that is me. I am divorced and mid-40s. I moved when I was married for a man. I will never do it again. Ever.

Me too! He sounds like a good guy but there are lots more good guys out there. That is less true about financial security and good jobs for 52 yo women. I’d only consider this if married- but since I won’t marry again that’s a non starter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

OP, reply honestly--is the bolded above a "request" or is it "blackmail"? Fear of being alone and fear of dying are the only reason you see through rose/vagina-colored glasses. Not feeling respected.

[Anonymous]

He’s being selfish. He has no regard for your financial well-being. You might consider if it he asked you to marry him and a pre-nup ensured that you’d be provided for in retirement. However, what he’s done is give you an ultimatum that involves you uprooting your entire life with zero compromise on his part.

F*** That!! Concentrate on your career and dump this selfish idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

OP, reply honestly--is the bolded above a "request" or is it "blackmail"? Fear of being alone and fear of dying are the only reason you see through rose/vagina-colored glasses. Not feeling respected.

OP here. It kind of feels like blackmail. I have a sick feeling when I think about this.
Earlier in our relationship he said he’d move to DC if that’s what it took, but he has changed his tune.
He loves where he lives and doesn’t want to give it up. I think it’s more important to him than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

He sure has a lot of opinions on what you should want and do! He wants you to focus 100% on him like a needy toddler! Him threatening to end things even if you move and commuted is a huge red flag! What if you break up? It’s not easy to get a job in your 50s-60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Survivor benefits likely won't cover your lost investments and income over the next 10 years. Don't do it: I know many married couples who totally were able to make it work with distance marriage. The fact he's leaving his estate to daughters is not good either. Everything that's accumulated during marriage with income earned jointly with you should be left to you, not his daughters. Everything premarital to his daughters (maybe a trust etc.) This whole situation and marriage would require serious estate planning and contracting.