Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

I would not go, but that is me. I am divorced and mid-40s. I moved when I was married for a man. I will never do it again. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

I think you know what to do. Go back and read your post, especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Many fish in the sea. Don’t compromise for one man. Most men would not sacrifice their ambition and goals for romance. Channel your inner know-how vs. Disney princess narratives.

If he was a keeper, he’d respect you more than his love interest. He’d see you as a human equal. I don’t see the equality here. It’s all about his needs.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

You don’t have him to lose.

I think there are three different scenarios here:

1. You have a committed relationship (ex. marriage or some equivalent) in which case you decide what works best for the couple and if someone has to sacrifice the other compensates. If you knew you could count on him and he was willing to support you in retirement, then it would be worth a discussion (eith the conclusion not predetermined) of what would work best for the couple unit. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

2. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and you have equally positive options, one of which would coincide with his choices. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

3. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and it’s every man or woman for themselves. THIS IS YOUR SITUATION. He’s made the choice that works best for himself (moving to North Carolina). He’s also chosen that if you don’t move with him, and get a less stressful job, he’s not interested in maintaining the relationship.

A relationship takes two people to work. I speak from experience that one person cannot keep a relationship going by themselves. Right now, you’re trying to make things work as a couple, while he’s thinking as an individual who will allow you to be with him as long as it’s convenient for him. You do not have him to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

If you were the love of his life, he would move closer to you. He can be a retiree anywhere, but it will be hard for you to find another job that compares with what you have now. He wouldn’t ask you to give it up if he really loved you.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with PPs. There is no concern about what is best for you. This leaves you with no safeguards and will undermine your plans for your future. He’s unconcerned with the very reasonable “what if” questions that I imagine you are grappling with. Actions speak louder than words, as cliche as it sounds - telling you that you are the love of his kids means nothing when he’s really only thinking of his own needs and willing to let you go without compromise.

[Anonymous]

No, if he were decent he'd move in with you so you could keep your career. If he's threatening its over now, what in a few years?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go.

He made the decision on his own and didn't consider you. Too many red flags

[Anonymous]

His approach is entirely selfish, focused exclusively on what he wants without regard for your needs and concerns. He is effectively saying that his desires are paramount, and that the relationship with you means less to him than his ambition to relocate now instead of in the future. He could experience retirement in this area for the next decade before moving, but he probably sees that as a time when he'd mostly be alone in retirement while you are working. Your different life stages are fundamentally incompatible because he has retired and you have not, a reflection of the reality of the disparity in your ages at this point in your lives. His solution is for you to work less and to relocate where he wants to be, but the cost to you of doing so is very high - you are placing your future financial security at risk by braking your career early and by reducing your future employment and retirement income, with no assurances that the relationship will be enduring. The cost and risk to him of your doing those things is zero. He gets your companionship on his terms with no financial risks.

As hard as it is to make these kinds of choices, it seems objectively that you'd be better off risking not finding a replacement boyfriend than choosing to accept certainty of compromising your own retirement options. You might instead wish him well in NC and proceed to look for someone closer to your own life stage (i.e., still working locally).

[Anonymous]

I think the hardest part of what you wrote is his insistence that if you don’t move there then things will not work out. That is just such a jerk statement, and it is also mildly threatening. He made a unilateral decision to move, and now he’s insisting that if you don’t fit yourself into his life then you’ll just break up.

I wouldn’t go for that reason alone. It sounds like he wants someone to take care of him in his old age and isn’t it all focused on your needs at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the hardest part of what you wrote is his insistence that if you don’t move there then things will not work out. That is just such a jerk statement, and it is also mildly threatening. He made a unilateral decision to move, and now he’s insisting that if you don’t fit yourself into his life then you’ll just break up.

I wouldn’t go for that reason alone. It sounds like he wants someone to take care of him in his old age and isn’t it all focused on your needs at all.

This!

You are still young, enjoying your career and life and there are interesting people out there you'd be missing out on if you let this person hide you away.

[Anonymous]

Does his pension have medical benefits? Survivor benefits? How do you both feel about marriage?

I would go, only if he is going to compensate you for 15 peak earning years out of the workforce. That is, you are able to obtain health insurance through his pension, you are assigned survivor benefits, and you inherit his estate. You likely need to get married to do this, though.