Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

He is ten years older. He wants you to take care of him. Plus he is leaving everything to his daughters. What's in it for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Sounds manipulative to me. He's entitled to his opinions but if I were you, just this attitude alone would be enough to move on. Life is too short, there is more fun to be had single than with this guy who wants all your focus on him him him. That much is clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Do not give up your career and income for a man unless you have another guaranteed source of wealth. He sounds selfish and controlling. If he really cared about you and making this work, then he would agree to a compromise where you could commute. Major red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

Agree with this. So many posters are painting this guy as some kind of villain when he's just saying what he wants and how he feels. He's probably right that it won't work out if you guys do long distance. Nothing wrong with both of you deciding what you want isn't compatible with continuing a relationship.

Not a villain, but utterly self-focused. He's showing no thought at all for the future of his girlfriend who is 10 years his junior, in a job she likes, at a peak period for her career, and who is likely to outlive him, leaving her there in the retirement spot he (not both of them together) chose.

OP says he isn't discussing this, he is handing her an ultimatum.

That's not the same as expressing "what he wants and how he feels" and then asking her what she wants and feels. Not the same at all. He doesn't get a pass for being some kind of sensitive guy who's expressing his feelings; he's saying what his demand is (she gives up her job and moves to the place of his choosing) and what the consequence will be for her if she doesn't meet his demand. That's not the behavior of someone who feels truly concerned for the other person or who wants to find a compromise solution. That's an ultimatum.

She's free to say no, I just don't see why it's such a big deal. I'm not suggesting he's sensitive and that's not what I meant by feelings, I meant he's expressing what he wants and if that works for OP, great, and if not, he thinks they should part ways. I agree OP probably should not move, so this is a relationship that no longer works for the two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Survivor benefits likely won't cover your lost investments and income over the next 10 years. Don't do it: I know many married couples who totally were able to make it work with distance marriage. The fact he's leaving his estate to daughters is not good either. Everything that's accumulated during marriage with income earned jointly with you should be left to you, not his daughters. Everything premarital to his daughters (maybe a trust etc.) This whole situation and marriage would require serious estate planning and contracting.

NP and if he's retired now substantially all of his earnings have already been accumulated unless you're suggesting the passive growth on his pre-marital investments should be left to OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Survivor benefits likely won't cover your lost investments and income over the next 10 years. Don't do it: I know many married couples who totally were able to make it work with distance marriage. The fact he's leaving his estate to daughters is not good either. Everything that's accumulated during marriage with income earned jointly with you should be left to you, not his daughters. Everything premarital to his daughters (maybe a trust etc.) This whole situation and marriage would require serious estate planning and contracting.

NP and if he's retired now substantially all of his earnings have already been accumulated unless you're suggesting the passive growth on his pre-marital investments should be left to OP?

What should be left to OP is no less than an equivalent (financial) of what she looses moving in with him. Seems like survivor benefits won't cover her lost salary (likely close to $200K/year at her age). Plus she must have at a minimum living estate in the home they would live in NC, so she's not kicked out from her own marital house when it goes to his daughters. Everyone deserves a comfortable financial future.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He’s not great with money, so I don’t think he understands or has thought through what he is asking of me from a financial perspective.

I’m more concerned that he seems almost jealous of my job. He was upset last week when we were supposed to talk at 6 pm but I had an unexpected work call at that time. Normally my job is very 9-5. He said my job “really disrupted things” last week. We just had to talk at 7:30 instead of 6. He’s pretty rigid in his thinking.

The more I type this out the more I wonder what the F am I even thinking here?! I’m so sad because I really do love him; we are totally compatible in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

I'm with the PPs who tell you to drop this guy. But I also think you're being very negative about being childfree in old age. Focus on your health and strength and that will help you a lot as you get older. There are 100-year-old powerlifters out there. Not saying that you need to be one. If you're not careful, your negativity will age you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Do not give up your career and income for a man unless you have another guaranteed source of wealth. He sounds selfish and controlling. If he really cared about you and making this work, then he would agree to a compromise where you could commute. Major red flag.

As a second wife, my advice would be don't marry unless you come out ahead of his kids. You will get second-class treatment from everyone and you need to make it worth your while. I'm just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for your advice and input— it’s really valuable.

So to clarify— this has been a long distance relationship the whole time. We got together (friends introduced us when I was visiting NC) after he had already moved and settled there.

He does want to marry me, so I guess I would be entitled to his health benefits and whatever survivor benefits his pension offers; haven’t asked him about that. He plans to leave his estate, which is not huge, to his daughters.

He keeps saying that I don’t need to make as much money as I do, that I can live just fine on much less. While that’s true now, I’m looking ahead to what I need to save and invest to support myself 40 years from now.

He wouldn’t want to continue the relationship even if I kept this job, moved to NC and flew back and forth each week to my job. That would be too much focus on my job and not enough on “us.” He is encouraging me to find a less-stressful job that I can do from NC. Like I said earlier— not sure that exists, not for what I need to save in the next 10 years.

Survivor benefits likely won't cover your lost investments and income over the next 10 years. Don't do it: I know many married couples who totally were able to make it work with distance marriage. The fact he's leaving his estate to daughters is not good either. Everything that's accumulated during marriage with income earned jointly with you should be left to you, not his daughters. Everything premarital to his daughters (maybe a trust etc.) This whole situation and marriage would require serious estate planning and contracting.

NP and if he's retired now substantially all of his earnings have already been accumulated unless you're suggesting the passive growth on his pre-marital investments should be left to OP?

Well. his adult daughters didn't really earn this passive growth either. They also should have an inheritance from their mother, right? It's totally for the man what to leave to his wife. In her position since shes giving up a substantial corporate income it must be something that makes her similarly financially secure as if she kept her job.

It depends on how long OP plans to continue working, what her pension benefits and assets would be lets say in the next 10-15 years. They need to meet with a financial planner and discuss. Not just make empty ultimatums and tell he leaves everything to his daughters.

OP might be married to the guy for next 30 years, bringing a lot into this marriage, and then end up with everything going to his kids. This would be unfair.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will easily meet someone else similar who doesnt want to sacrifice own lifestyle and only considers relationship a convenience. DC dating scene is full of such types, all Embassy evenings, golf clubs etc are thee single wealthy retirees with kids. You are too young for that and too accomplished to become their nurse.
In their very old age, these guys from Chevy Chase live alone in their houses, Asian nurses are taking care of them and their houses for work visa. They don't need to marry having this kind of money.

It's not a true partnership what he offers. Drop him and date for pleasure this type in DC without commute to NC

[Anonymous]

This is why people marry. Combining lives and finances and operating as a couple. If you were married, your career success would be supporting him. But for whatever reason, marriage is not a feature of your relationship, which is fine. Be guided accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s not great with money, so I don’t think he understands or has thought through what he is asking of me from a financial perspective.

I’m more concerned that he seems almost jealous of my job. He was upset last week when we were supposed to talk at 6 pm but I had an unexpected work call at that time. Normally my job is very 9-5. He said my job “really disrupted things” last week. We just had to talk at 7:30 instead of 6. He’s pretty rigid in his thinking.

The more I type this out the more I wonder what the F am I even thinking here?! I’m so sad because I really do love him; we are totally compatible in so many ways.

Why don’t you play dumb and ask him to meet with a financial advisor together so you can see what is “realistic”? Maybe some objective input would help.

If he doesn’t accept that or if he does and it doesn’t shift anything, at least you’ll have some clarity.

[Anonymous]

^^Also I agree that the job really disrupting things from his point of view bc you had a call is silly. He seems to have abandonment anxiety or something. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?