Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

OP - how much time have you spent with your BF at any one time? Has it been remote with romantic weekends every few weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how much time have you spent with your BF at any one time? Has it been remote with romantic weekends every few weeks?

We’ve spent a lot of time together. In the fall, I spent two months at his place and commuted back and forth to DC because my company is only in person 1-2 days a week due to COVID. He loved when I was there, and I loved being there, but there was tension from him re: the commuting. Not enough focus on “us.”

He is SO into the retirement mindset. I feel like he’s forgotten what it means to have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

OP, you're in your prime. Please don't shortchange yourself for a man who is so focused on himself. You'll be so resentful a decade from now.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

See, if he's the love of his life he'd compromise.
Ask him for a couple of million dollars to invest so you can assure your retirement. If he give it to you, move. If he doesn't, then no.

[Anonymous]

I'm now reading how much he makes/made, where that money is going, and how much you make and need to save. Do not leave your job for this gentleman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

Op here. Purely for emotional reasons. We have an amazing connection. I thought I’d finally met someone who was really my other half in so many ways. I’m fine being single, but it’s wonderful to have a partner who is so sympatico with me on almost every level. He has become my closest friend. I will miss him terribly if we break up. I am so sad about the way he is presenting what he wants or needs me to do. I feel manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

Op here. Purely for emotional reasons. We have an amazing connection. I thought I’d finally met someone who was really my other half in so many ways. I’m fine being single, but it’s wonderful to have a partner who is so sympatico with me on almost every level. He has become my closest friend. I will miss him terribly if we break up. I am so sad about the way he is presenting what he wants or needs me to do. I feel manipulated.

I am sorry, OP. This seems hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, OP? Just to get an idea whats at stake financially. If it's $70K you are ok inheriting his survivor benefits; if $350K he must leave you a multi-million estate to inherit for you to give us 10-15 years of career.

Can you work remotely?

OP here. I make anywhere between 300 and 375 each year depending on that year’s bonus.
On the estate question— he would leave his existing assets to his daughters but anything post-marriage he would leave to me. But since he’s retired, that’s not a ton. He is retired military. I don’t know how his pension really works.
I would be perfectly content living a modest lifestyle in retirement, but because of issues earlier in my life, I fell far behind on savings. I am currently pouring a huge chunk of each paycheck into 401k. I really need a well-paying job to make retirement work for me throughout the rest of my life.

I don't understand these stories. How can someone make this much and have such a hard time dealing with life choices as if they don't have options and safety. At that rate haven't they earned enough that they can live in a trailer like Elon Musk if they want and not worry about things? Typical DCUM. Woe is me. I make in the top 0.5% of the US.

[Anonymous]

OP, in financial terms he should give you a "package" of around $3.1-4mm for moving in with him. This is just an equivalent of what you loose in your income NPV over the next 10-15 years, without counting for reinvestments.

Of course OP has a choice, but she can easily calculate how much should be in her retirement fund to have N amount of money until age 87 (life expectancy for her).

Maybe it's a good idea to consult with a retirement actuary in your case.

Also, I know one lady who married a guy 10 years older and they divorced in their 60s. He turned out an impossible control freak and a nag. As she was younger and still working, she owes him alimony for life of $5K/month ,and no longer can retire herself at the same comfort level.

If your boyfriend loves you, why he won't move in with you in DC? He's free in how to spend his time. But for you it's a loss of security

[Anonymous]

It's just money and OP has plenty. How much money does she want and what does she want to give up. Plenty of people have retirement plans before they meet someone later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am not being sarcastic when I ask this - but why are you unsure about what you want? As PPs said - this could be a reasonable request - but that doesn't really matter if it's not what YOU want. People can disagree about reasonable things.

But his request doesn't even seem in line with you in some major ways - why are you doubting yourself? What is making you hesitate?

Op here. Purely for emotional reasons. We have an amazing connection. I thought I’d finally met someone who was really my other half in so many ways. I’m fine being single, but it’s wonderful to have a partner who is so sympatico with me on almost every level. He has become my closest friend. I will miss him terribly if we break up. I am so sad about the way he is presenting what he wants or needs me to do. I feel manipulated.

Well, he's not really your closest friend if he behaves like that. Take it as early red flag and ask him to move in with you in your house in DC. After you live together without official marriage for 7 years, every day under same roof, then you would see if marriage is still in the cards.

Distance relationships have totally different all rosy dynamics vs living together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just money and OP has plenty. How much money does she want and what does she want to give up. Plenty of people have retirement plans before they meet someone later in life.

No - it's not *just* money. It's about how OP likes to spend her time, it's about autonomy and agency, and taking care of herself in the present and future. It's about perhaps differing views of how they spend their time together and separately. And even if it were *just* money - money is a resource and a huge issue in many relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just money and OP has plenty. How much money does she want and what does she want to give up. Plenty of people have retirement plans before they meet someone later in life.

OP said she only recently got to this income level. Her retirement plan or assets may not be yet at the level needed to maintain a similar lifestyle through her old years. She certainly must have a retirement of 50K/year by now, but does she have 150-200k annuity? I don't think so.

OP doesnt need to be in a position being kicked out from her marital home by her husband's children when he dies, and living on 50K/year