Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This has turned into a really meaningful discussion and I appreciate all of your input! To the PP above— I do feel like my BF is being controlling or manipulative in making these requests. It’s just a feeling I get. Maybe he isn’t. He wants what he wants, and he wants me to fit into that vision he has for his life. He clearly doesn’t want to be with someone who is extremely job-focused. We are definitely at different points in our lives. I’m not ready to fulfill that traditional female role of self-sacrifice — I need to protect my future self. As much as I love him, I don’t see a way it can work if he is not willing to accept a partner who can’t focus on him most of the time.

Let’s put it that way - he can’t afford you. You focusing on him fully has high transactional costs. If he gave you $3mm tomorrow for retirement, would you devote yourself fully to his retired lifestyle ? Or still it won’t work ?

I can see a guy like this dating a woman working remotely for a non for profit or something making $60k/year. Weird that he picked a career woman. It must be the “wind” from his daughters to date “well-off” women and not endanger their inheritance

I don't think this is the only thing at play - it's also a control issue, which could emerge even if the $ was more equal. She could be devoted to her grandkids and still want a BF, but that BF could be jealous of all of the time that she is not spending with him, or something similar.

[Anonymous]

OP here— if he gave me $3 million, that would definitely take care of my retirement concerns! I’m still wary that he seems awfully needy/possibly controlling, but it’s hard to tell— long distance relationships seem to skew everything. I’d much rather be single than deal with neediness. He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here— if he gave me $3 million, that would definitely take care of my retirement concerns! I’m still wary that he seems awfully needy/possibly controlling, but it’s hard to tell— long distance relationships seem to skew everything. I’d much rather be single than deal with neediness. He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

Who does this guy think he is, the the end of the day ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here— if he gave me $3 million, that would definitely take care of my retirement concerns! I’m still wary that he seems awfully needy/possibly controlling, but it’s hard to tell— long distance relationships seem to skew everything. I’d much rather be single than deal with neediness. He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

This guy sounds worse and worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here— if he gave me $3 million, that would definitely take care of my retirement concerns! I’m still wary that he seems awfully needy/possibly controlling, but it’s hard to tell— long distance relationships seem to skew everything. I’d much rather be single than deal with neediness. He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

So Idk who introduced this idea of the guy giving OP 3m...we might as well speculate on him giving her the Hope diamond. Respectfully to the OP (bc you seem like a nice person); your boyfriend can't seem to wrap his head around your 300K/yr job; let alone cough up 3m to protect your retirement. He's your retirement, at least that's how he sees this. And by he's your retirement, I mean it will look like what he wants it to look like. What you're describing isn't neediness; it's control.

To all the posters discounting OP's description of feeling manipulated and saying "he wants one thing, she wants another, no one's wrong here"...I don't agree. OP isn't saying her way or the highway; she wants to maintain the partnership and continue the job she already has. This guy wants to maintain the partnership...and have her quit her job, take a payout, move out of state, etc. Or, he wants out. Those are his terms. I see no willingness to compromise on his part, which isn't a partnership, yet he's saying he wants just that. *That* is why she feels manipulated. And I agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

Ha! You're sweet. Not OP; I'm a physician. But trust me, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I make a great salary but when I factor in what med school cost me and the degree to which it delayed my early adult years, I'm like ehhhh. Also trying to be a good mom *and* kill it at work...sometimes I feel like I'm doing a decidedly mediocre job at both. We all just do our best don't we.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here— if he gave me $3 million, that would definitely take care of my retirement concerns! I’m still wary that he seems awfully needy/possibly controlling, but it’s hard to tell— long distance relationships seem to skew everything. I’d much rather be single than deal with neediness. He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

So Idk who introduced this idea of the guy giving OP 3m...we might as well speculate on him giving her the Hope diamond. Respectfully to the OP (bc you seem like a nice person); your boyfriend can't seem to wrap his head around your 300K/yr job; let alone cough up 3m to protect your retirement. He's your retirement, at least that's how he sees this. And by he's your retirement, I mean it will look like what he wants it to look like. What you're describing isn't neediness; it's control.

To all the posters discounting OP's description of feeling manipulated and saying "he wants one thing, she wants another, no one's wrong here"...I don't agree. OP isn't saying her way or the highway; she wants to maintain the partnership and continue the job she already has. This guy wants to maintain the partnership...and have her quit her job, take a payout, move out of state, etc. Or, he wants out. Those are his terms. I see no willingness to compromise on his part, which isn't a partnership, yet he's saying he wants just that. *That* is why she feels manipulated. And I agree with her.

Of course we didn't mean that he MUST give her $3mm. It's obviously he won't. But he puts forward demands as if he's such a wealthy catch who can offer an woman like her a generous prenup with all the guarantees.

Indeed, why is he not OK just continuing their enjoyable relationship? Why all these demands? I'll regret for the rest of my life declining a scholarship from Columbia Law school to get married. Because my exH was telling all this BS about him taking care of me, how I would never have to work 9-5 for work and how he will sponsor my education in a city he wanted me to be.

We divorced 15 years after in a bitter fight over each penny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

Ha! You're sweet. Not OP; I'm a physician. But trust me, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I make a great salary but when I factor in what med school cost me and the degree to which it delayed my early adult years, I'm like ehhhh. Also trying to be a good mom *and* kill it at work...sometimes I feel like I'm doing a decidedly mediocre job at both. We all just do our best don't we.

Well, still sounds way better than my job moving paperwork for well under 100K.... I wish I was younger to choose a better paying field

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

Ha! You're sweet. Not OP; I'm a physician. But trust me, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I make a great salary but when I factor in what med school cost me and the degree to which it delayed my early adult years, I'm like ehhhh. Also trying to be a good mom *and* kill it at work...sometimes I feel like I'm doing a decidedly mediocre job at both. We all just do our best don't we.

Well, still sounds way better than my job moving paperwork for well under 100K.... I wish I was younger to choose a better paying field

And I wish I had prioritized family and partnership/babies over medicine (I have one amazing kiddo so no complaints; I just love being a mom that much). It’s hard, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

Ha! You're sweet. Not OP; I'm a physician. But trust me, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I make a great salary but when I factor in what med school cost me and the degree to which it delayed my early adult years, I'm like ehhhh. Also trying to be a good mom *and* kill it at work...sometimes I feel like I'm doing a decidedly mediocre job at both. We all just do our best don't we.

Well, still sounds way better than my job moving paperwork for well under 100K.... I wish I was younger to choose a better paying field

And I wish I had prioritized family and partnership/babies over medicine (I have one amazing kiddo so no complaints; I just love being a mom that much). It’s hard, I know.

I am a lawyer who prioritized family and my husband over my international career. Now I am dumped 15 years after, and my son tells me how great my exH is (because daddy is rich). I am ok financially controlling income producing assets for $4mm after our divorce, but my W2 salary is under 100K. Oh well, at least I married rich and divorced relatively well.

OP: do NOT leave your job unless you already have significant accumulate wealth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m so sad. I’m going to talk to him this weekend. I don’t see any way for this to work out. I’m going to miss him so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

OP here. I’d rather not say, as it’s a specialized field and I’ve already posted too many details, but I can tell you that I didn’t get my career on track until I was 34. Before that, I bounced around from job to job, never earning much. Don’t know how old you are, but it’s never too late to obtain the training and certification you need to earn more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A side question to OP and the PP above: what are you successful women do for living? These salaries are truly amazing!

OP here. I’d rather not say, as it’s a specialized field and I’ve already posted too many details, but I can tell you that I didn’t get my career on track until I was 34. Before that, I bounced around from job to job, never earning much. Don’t know how old you are, but it’s never too late to obtain the training and certification you need to earn more money.

I am 44, regretfully. Too late to go into lucrative fields like CS or medicine, or biotech

[Anonymous]

OP - I’m curious - do you and BF share similar cultural background, religion, political views? What are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is ten years older. He wants you to take care of him. Plus he is leaving everything to his daughters. What's in it for you?

Exactly! Do you really want to take care of this man and also deal with two daughters during the process. Sounds nightmarish.