Unreasonable request?

[Anonymous]

Not if he doesn’t want to marry you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF is retired at age 62. He wants me to move to NC to live with him. He has a pension and a great retiree lifestyle. I am 52 and in the prime of my career. I need to save as much money as I can to ensure a comfortable retirement. I don’t have kids— I am going to be alone in my very old age, assuming I’m lucky to live that long. BF wants me to get a less stressful job so we can spend more time together. He told me if I keep my current job, things won’t work out between us. I like my job and it would be hard for me to find another one that is both less stressful and allows me to save what I’m saving currently. I’ve spent years building my career, but my BF means a great deal to me. I don’t want to lose him, but I also feel put off by his request here, like he’s trying to make me fit into his life with no regard for my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

You don’t have him to lose.

I think there are three different scenarios here:

1. You have a committed relationship (ex. marriage or some equivalent) in which case you decide what works best for the couple and if someone has to sacrifice the other compensates. If you knew you could count on him and he was willing to support you in retirement, then it would be worth a discussion (eith the conclusion not predetermined) of what would work best for the couple unit. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

2. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and you have equally positive options, one of which would coincide with his choices. THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION.

3. You do not have a firm commitment, but are free agents (even if you’ve been together a long time and are exclusive) and it’s every man or woman for themselves. THIS IS YOUR SITUATION. He’s made the choice that works best for himself (moving to North Carolina). He’s also chosen that if you don’t move with him, and get a less stressful job, he’s not interested in maintaining the relationship.

A relationship takes two people to work. I speak from experience that one person cannot keep a relationship going by themselves. Right now, you’re trying to make things work as a couple, while he’s thinking as an individual who will allow you to be with him as long as it’s convenient for him. You do not have him to lose.

New poster. The above is one of the clearest, most direct posts I've ever seen on DCUM. OP, re-read the post above.

And if your BF truly cared about your future without him (as in -- if he were thinking ahead to what would be best for YOU after he dies first, which is likely), he would marry you to give you the legal other protections of being a spouse. He also would be willing to compromise now on where he lives, since he is the free agent re: work, and you are not. He would want you to be happy and fulfilled, and your current job makes you happy and fulfilled. He is thinking only of the present and creating a lifestyle HE wants, not about YOUR future, OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

He's a control freak. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Let him go, he’s too old anyways.

[Anonymous]

This boils down to a request to upend your life and potentially endanger your financial future to be conveniently available to a man who takes no responsibility for the outcome. This isn’t someone with your best interests in mind, I’m sorry this is how you learned he was so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This boils down to a request to upend your life and potentially endanger your financial future to be conveniently available to a man who takes no responsibility for the outcome. This isn’t someone with your best interests in mind, I’m sorry this is how you learned he was so selfish.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

Look at your last two sentences.

Do you really want to give up what you have in order to be his nurse in his old age? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’ve seen men in my family do this to women.

[Anonymous]

Have him show you a prenup and after looking it over in your spare time, you'll consider your options.

If financial security is even more important to you than career satisfaction (and I'm not sure), your financial security, legally, is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

A lot of men want to dictate where to live and work. The problem here is that you don hqve any financial security.

[Anonymous]

It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

[Anonymous]

OP - what part are you uncertain of for yourself? Is any of his ultimatum attractive to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an unreasonable request, but also reasonable for you to say no. You sound like you don’t want to go, not enough to give up what you have, anyway. So that’s it. No need to frame his request as unreasonable to give you permission to say no. I don’t blame him for not wanting to do a long distance thing and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the job you like that pays what you need to secure your future.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the hardest part of what you wrote is his insistence that if you don’t move there then things will not work out. That is just such a jerk statement, and it is also mildly threatening. He made a unilateral decision to move, and now he’s insisting that if you don’t fit yourself into his life then you’ll just break up.

I wouldn’t go for that reason alone. It sounds like he wants someone to take care of him in his old age and isn’t it all focused on your needs at all.

1000%. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm 50, I would not risk my financial future for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound like he is that into you, or it wouldn’t be hard for him to find a workable compromise (such as a country place he goes to part of the week or whatever). He wants what he wants and he wants you to go along. I’m sorry. But I hope you find someone better.

He says I am the love of his life. But he seems unwilling to compromise.

If you were the love of his life, he would move closer to you. He can be a retiree anywhere, but it will be hard for you to find another job that compares with what you have now. He wouldn’t ask you to give it up if he really loved you.

This. My husband gave up a job offer in another state because I was unwilling to move. He couldn’t imagine a life without me, but knew there would always be other job offers.

He’s not committed to you. He’s using buzzwords hoping they’ll make you do what he wants, and it’s working.