If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

I feel like you’re trying to troll - but no it’s not. I say that as someone that has done both the big job without kids, the big job with kids, and sah. Full time child care can certainly have its stressful moments (when you’re exhausted and trying to not lose it on your kids, when you find out your kid is struggling in school)…but my conclusion is I just have kind of a running rate of stress. When I worked it was directed at big work problems, now that I sah it gets directed day to day at domestic things (which school to pick, why isn’t my middle child getting any fruits and veggies, what is the weird rash on the baby) which are all things I need to solve but realistically shouldn’t generate the stress that a big client breathing down my neck should. My conclusion for all of it is ultimately that I need to solve my running rate of stress issue - not that sah is way more stressful (that’s not to say it’s easy or all fun or anything else! It certainly has huge tough parts, but I would t say innate stress should be one for people with means to outsource a lot of the grind of cleaning and cooking etc that make it stressful just bc there aren’t enough minutes in the day sometimes)

[Anonymous]

We have a nanny. We both work.

[Anonymous]

My Dh does laundry, dishes, garbage, general house pickup, handles car maintenance, manages house maintenance, does morning drop off and gets 1 kid ready in the morning. I do the other kid in the morning, do daycare pickup, do management of kid activities and appointments, manage household finances, planning and preparing all meals and grocery shopping. Neither of us works weekends so time with kids is equal.

He makes 350k, I make 170k. If my husband made 7 figures and we had 3 kids and I was SAHM, I definitely wouldn’t have the same expectations though.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve posted so many times. Clearly your situation isn’t working for you. (Or if it wasn’t you, there’s at least one other poster who’s a SAHM to three kids who wants to go back to work with a seven figure earning DH). Fact is, your DH isn’t likely to step up to do more chores to enable you to go back to work. Fair or not, he sees it as your job. I have a family member in a similar situation, except their income differential was even greater (her DH was making eight figures), he literally made more in one day of work than she would for the entire year. She didn’t work, outsourced everything she could when the kids were young, and now that they’re teenagers she volunteers or maybe does a few hours of paid work per week. Her husband just didn’t see the need for her to work and didn’t support it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

This sounds like us but one more kid. I work very part time, about 10 hrs a week, enough to cover the cost of a nanny 30 hrs a week plus cleaners, landscapers, weekend mother helpers. I could not work full time without really sacrificing the calm stability of our home life and my stress level. Can you get part time work and help? It's the sweet spot for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

Be to those studies. Puttering around the house while the kids are at preschool, grocery shopping, lunching with other SAHM, and some carpools is hardly worse than 7 figure jobs demands.

You never have to worry about money. You have ample leisure time, and can hire a sitter at a moments notice. Depressed? That’s a you problem.

That’s lovely.
The high suicide rates of physician’s spouses is their own problem. They aren’t going to get any sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

I feel like you’re trying to troll - but no it’s not. I say that as someone that has done both the big job without kids, the big job with kids, and sah. Full time child care can certainly have its stressful moments (when you’re exhausted and trying to not lose it on your kids, when you find out your kid is struggling in school)…but my conclusion is I just have kind of a running rate of stress. When I worked it was directed at big work problems, now that I sah it gets directed day to day at domestic things (which school to pick, why isn’t my middle child getting any fruits and veggies, what is the weird rash on the baby) which are all things I need to solve but realistically shouldn’t generate the stress that a big client breathing down my neck should. My conclusion for all of it is ultimately that I need to solve my running rate of stress issue - not that sah is way more stressful (that’s not to say it’s easy or all fun or anything else! It certainly has huge tough parts, but I would t say innate stress should be one for people with means to outsource a lot of the grind of cleaning and cooking etc that make it stressful just bc there aren’t enough minutes in the day sometimes)

I think it is more stressful if you approach it with this idea that your spouse’s work is always more important than yours and you should always defer to their schedule, you should never bring your high earning spouse any of your problems because they are minor compared to his, and you should always have everything under control.

Everyone needs to feel supported by their partner. And if women aren’t supported by their spouses, the least we can do is try to support them on a parenting website.

[Anonymous]

7 figures?? Hire some help! You could easily afford daily help whether its a cleaning lady, sitter, whatever you want.

I SAH and my husband makes 300K. We divide things so that we both stop 'working' at the same time unless someone just is complexly exhausted or sick. So Most nights we are both 'working' until about 9pm. Its a lot but we have three young children so I am hopeful this is just a season. When I say 'work' it could be dishes, bedtime duty, him doing work for his job, whatever it is. But he isn't getting off the computer for work and watching TV while I do bedtime alone. We both just soldier on until its all done.

[Anonymous]

Stay at home, do your job and stop complaining. You chose this path, if you choose a different path expect changes and clearly your husband won’t be helping so it’s up to you to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay at home, do your job and stop complaining. You chose this path, if you choose a different path expect changes and clearly your husband won’t be helping so it’s up to you to figure it out.

This is why being a SAHM is stressful and isolating. You are not allowed to have any problems or feel anything but happy all of the time.

And there is no flip side to it. It’s not like sometimes you are told to do your job and stop complaining, but other times you save someone’s life, and you are celebrated. It’s only no complaining. And anything that you might accomplish is still, mostly, attributed to your husband’s income.

Im neither a SAHM nor the spouse of a super high earner, but I can see how the OP might feel very trapped and unhappy in this situation.

[Anonymous]

out source the work, make it easy so when he is around he can use his time wisely -- hold your DH accountable to being a Dad and Husband. There is no amount of money that can replace the emotional needs of both relationships. Don't have kids or get married if you don't have time for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

This is me too. Plus my DH works many weekends as well so I do the weekend activities/tournaments as well. If I went back to work the only way it would be feasible is if we hired out as much as possible: cleaning, yard, after school care/driving kids places. But that is just another thing(s) I would have to set up, coordinate, and manage. Plus when I got home it wouldn’t be relaxing time, it would be immediately starting household/kids tasks that need to be done since DH probably wouldn’t be home yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

I feel like you’re trying to troll - but no it’s not. I say that as someone that has done both the big job without kids, the big job with kids, and sah. Full time child care can certainly have its stressful moments (when you’re exhausted and trying to not lose it on your kids, when you find out your kid is struggling in school)…but my conclusion is I just have kind of a running rate of stress. When I worked it was directed at big work problems, now that I sah it gets directed day to day at domestic things (which school to pick, why isn’t my middle child getting any fruits and veggies, what is the weird rash on the baby) which are all things I need to solve but realistically shouldn’t generate the stress that a big client breathing down my neck should. My conclusion for all of it is ultimately that I need to solve my running rate of stress issue - not that sah is way more stressful (that’s not to say it’s easy or all fun or anything else! It certainly has huge tough parts, but I would t say innate stress should be one for people with means to outsource a lot of the grind of cleaning and cooking etc that make it stressful just bc there aren’t enough minutes in the day sometimes)

Nope not trolling.

I'm assuming you're a woman? So you were in a situation where you had a big job with kids AND had a stay at home spouse? When you had the big job with kids and a stay at home spouse, did you do more childcare and housework than just the trash (and whatever else OP's husband does)? Because most women with kids, big jobs, and a stay at home spouse tend to do more housework and childcare than men with kids, big jobs, and a stay at home spouse.

I didn't have time to look at the studies when PP asked for them, but now I do, and here they are. The issue is that domestic labor tasks usually done by women (like dinner, dishes, and laundry) produce higher levels of stress than domestic labor tasks men usually do (like yard work and house maintenance tasks) and higher levels of stress than work at your typical job. Tasks like dinner, dishes, and laundry are referred to as "low schedule control" tasks because there is little discretion as to whether, how, and when they must be done. High schedule control chores are performed less frequently and with more flexibility. "Absolute time spent in low, but not high, control chores is associated with increased psychological distress."

So how stressful each partner's contribution is depends less how much time they are spending on their tasks or work and more how much stress those tasks or work create.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8382213/ (see the section entitled Heteronormativity Hypothesis 1: Inequitable Gendered Divisions of Labor Leads to Inequitable Gendered Divisions of Desire)


Here's a thing about home being more stressful than work:

In a study of 122 working men and women, Damaske had volunteers collect samples of saliva throughout the day. The samples were later tested to measure the levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. Cortisol levels didn't spike when the volunteers were at work. They soared when the volunteers were home.
"When we looked at the difference between home and work in terms of their cortisol levels — that biological marker of stress — we found that people's cortisol levels were significantly lower at work than they were at home," Damaske said. The results "suggested to us that people — at least biologically speaking — had lower levels of stress ... at work," she said.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/07/15/330191097/when-work-becomes-a-haven-from-stress-at-home


SAHMs have four hours more leisure time than working dads (although this is for SAHMs of kids of all ages, I doubt OP has much leisure time right now), and their leisure time is different: "Fathers and mothers seem to experience their free time differently. Mothers’ free time is often interrupted, which may make it hard for them to relax (Bianchi, et al. 2006; Mattingly & Bianchi 2003). Moreover, mothers tend to spend more time than fathers in multitasking; the additional hours spent on multitasking are mainly related to time spent on housework and child care (Offer & Schneider 2011)."

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

And just for your situation, SAHMs do more household work than SAHDs, also from the above study:
"Stay-at-home fathers help out more in housework and child care than do working fathers. They average about 18 hours per week in doing housework and 11 hours in taking care of the kids, the highest levels of all fathers...In contrast, when moms stay at home and dads work for pay, they average about 26 hours per week in housework and about 20 hours in child care, more than three times as much as what their working partners put into these activities."


There is a lot more out there (and the first paper in particular has many links to research papers about the stress of different kinds of chores), but I think that gets the idea across.

[Anonymous]

NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

[Anonymous]

I am a big law partner, my husband is a Fed. He does most of the household work: cooking, shopping, scheduling kids’ appointments, etc. I contribute when I can. For example, I frequently try to take the kids to their pedestrian. I occasionally make the dinner, and I help cleaning the kitchen in the evening. We also have a cleaner (weekly), gardener, an au pair, etc. If you go back to work, you just have to hire more help.