If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

it doesn't have to be this way but from what i've observed it's because it was never allowed to be this way. i've known couples where one is big law partner and other is surgeon with wild hours. they both work together to establish the help / routines etc to allow each the flexibility they need. and both keep some responsibility for kid and home things they don't want to outsource. but when i've seen someone get into the one sided balance and try to tip it back, i've never seen the other partner view it as their logistical problem to solve as well. you can still go back to work (and absolutely should if you want to!) but i doubt your dh will be a partner in solving how to make that work for you, he'll just say "you have the financial freedom to do whatever you want, and i support you" but it's your problems to solve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

He just doesn't do it? Do you scream at him or take it like a wimp?

I sometimes yell but not about housework. I do have cleaners.

I handle 95% of kid stuff.

I just know that I would still be responsible for the same things even if I go back to work.

So?! Come on, OP, what do you really want? You’re doing the job of a SAHP. If you want to go back to work, hire a nanny/house manager but do not expect your husband to split household chores with you.

You made this arrangement freely when you decided to SAH. What the f do you want now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

How many hours does he work a week? My DH works 70 plus would be impossible. Not op.

I am the person you are quoting and DH works between 50-60 hours a week. I technically work 40 but it’s more like 30-35 since I’m efficient.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but money does matter here. Some big jobs pay $100k and then the other parent is more likely to need to work. At 7 figures there’s no reason for you to work. If you do decide to, he makes more than enough for nearly everything to be outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but money does matter here. Some big jobs pay $100k and then the other parent is more likely to need to work. At 7 figures there’s no reason for you to work. If you do decide to, he makes more than enough for nearly everything to be outsourced.

He also makes enough that he is going to pay lip service to supporting you working, but not actually do anything to help you manage any of the logistics. It really doesn’t matter to him if you work or not as long as you are happy and keep the household running.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a big job. I make 350. DH is 50 retired/ taking a break/ thinking about tutoring, was a former teacher. Anyway, we have 1 kid in college. I don’t do the groceries, the cooking, most of the cleaning, and I truly don’t know how to use the new W/D, the oven, or any of the pool equipment. I feel the division of labor is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

My husband is exactly the same way. If he is home, he jumps in, but his schedule is unpredictable, and I can’t ever rely on him to do anything.

Frankly, it has been easier for me to work full time and figure out childcare when he moved to do a fellowship and wasn’t home at all. At least then I could give my nanny predictable hours to work.
After I moved with him, I tried to keep working full time, but we struggled keeping nannies because he would show up late to relieve them or (more often), he would be home and the kids would be more difficult to take care of.
I ended up working part time. I worked during the school day when the kids were younger, then took a job working one evening/wk during the pandemic. I work every Friday evening from 4pm-1am. Usually, DH comes home and they go out to dinner, then watch a movie before bed. It’s happened a couple of times that he couldn’t get out of work, so he had dinner sent to the house and the kids put themselves to bed. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a big job. I make 350. DH is 50 retired/ taking a break/ thinking about tutoring, was a former teacher. Anyway, we have 1 kid in college. I don’t do the groceries, the cooking, most of the cleaning, and I truly don’t know how to use the new W/D, the oven, or any of the pool equipment. I feel the division of labor is perfect.

This is irrelevant. You are no longer an active parent. Your only child is an adult. Enjoy being an empty nester, but don’t offer advice to the parents of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses.[b] Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

Who cares what your friend thinks? She has one less kid than you and possible both kids in the same school. Do you want to go back to work? Your husband is making 7 figures. If you do want to-outsource. That’s the only way, or yes he’s not going to take up more than here or there dishes/trash/occasional sick kid.

This is my situation also and why I don’t care what people think. My life is manageable. I work occasionally as a sub. And if I do more than one shift my whole week is a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

[Anonymous]

I am the same as you, it works for us though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

Be to those studies. Puttering around the house while the kids are at preschool, grocery shopping, lunching with other SAHM, and some carpools is hardly worse than 7 figure jobs demands.

You never have to worry about money. You have ample leisure time, and can hire a sitter at a moments notice. Depressed? That’s a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something.

What an odd statement. I’m not sure how you can guarantee what OP is doing is more stressful than her DH without knowing his job. Of course, it is possible. And yes, I have stayed a home with 3 kids.