If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

[Anonymous]

If one job generates a lot of money, involves travel and long hours, it becomes really tough for the other spouse to work unless it’s a part time or flexible job. You can always outsource childcare, household and social obligations but unless job is really fulfilling and high income, it makes little sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

+1. It takes more work at the outset, but the help is priceless!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar position. DH makes less money (about $600k), but we live in a lower COL city. We have four kids and no family nearby.

Whenever I talk to my husband about going back to work, I feel like Cinderella in the scene when she asks her stepmother if she can go to the ball and her stepmother is like:
“Well, I see no reason why you can't go, if you get all your work done. And if you can find something suitable to wear. Of course … I said 'If."

My husband is like, “Of course you should go back to work, if you can find someone to watch the children and if you can still get dinner on the table every night, and if you can find a job that will offer you vacation when I have it…”

This a DH issue, not a logistics issue. I fully acknowledge that a lot of DHs have this issue (including mine, though less extreme)...but it's important to frame things accurately. No amount of outsourcing can make up for a partner who won't lift a finger.

He isn’t a jerk. He is pretty similar to the OP’s DH in the he helps out when he is home, whenever that happens to be.

What I mean to say is that his primary job is his job, and while he would never say it in so many words, he isn’t (really) on board with me working.

I don’t honk this is any worse than the flip side with a husband who wants his wife to work when she wants to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

We use our old nanny often for babysitting. She did something this weekend that upset both Dh and me.

Our house is over 10,000sf. The cleaners know their way around our house but it still takes some time to tidy up some papers or have my kids put away the tiny pieces of their toys. It is not a lot of effort, just some minimal effort and if I didn’t do it, it would be fine but then we will go searching for some Lego piece or missing shoe of a doll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

We use our old nanny often for babysitting. She did something this weekend that upset both Dh and me.

Our house is over 10,000sf. The cleaners know their way around our house but it still takes some time to tidy up some papers or have my kids put away the tiny pieces of their toys. It is not a lot of effort, just some minimal effort and if I didn’t do it, it would be fine but then we will go searching for some Lego piece or missing shoe of a doll.

This is why I'm not lying when I say that no matter how much money I made I'll never live in a house over 4000sf.

[Anonymous]

Weird that people think that somebody making over 1M is necessarily working more hours than people who make 200K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird that people think that somebody making over 1M is necessarily working more hours than people who make 200K.

Or 50K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If one job generates a lot of money, involves travel and long hours, it becomes really tough for the other spouse to work unless it’s a part time or flexible job. You can always outsource childcare, household and social obligations but unless job is really fulfilling and high income, it makes little sense.

I'm a PP, and my DHs job involves tons of travel and long hours. I work because I like it. We do have help, and DH also has to do a lot more than others on this thread seem to expect of their spouses. The answer to OPs question is that if both parents work for pay, both parents need to be reliably involved in the household and family. The balance can vary (I do way more than my DH), but it can't 100% fall on one parent. That doesn't work.

And unless your spouse is POTUS or deployed, then they can probably take on full responsibility for at least a couple things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar position. DH makes less money (about $600k), but we live in a lower COL city. We have four kids and no family nearby.

Whenever I talk to my husband about going back to work, I feel like Cinderella in the scene when she asks her stepmother if she can go to the ball and her stepmother is like:
“Well, I see no reason why you can't go, if you get all your work done. And if you can find something suitable to wear. Of course … I said 'If."

My husband is like, “Of course you should go back to work, if you can find someone to watch the children and if you can still get dinner on the table every night, and if you can find a job that will offer you vacation when I have it…”

This a DH issue, not a logistics issue. I fully acknowledge that a lot of DHs have this issue (including mine, though less extreme)...but it's important to frame things accurately. No amount of outsourcing can make up for a partner who won't lift a finger.

He isn’t a jerk. He is pretty similar to the OP’s DH in the he helps out when he is home, whenever that happens to be.

What I mean to say is that his primary job is his job, and while he would never say it in so many words, he isn’t (really) on board with me working.

I don’t honk this is any worse than the flip side with a husband who wants his wife to work when she wants to SAH.

This is my point. OPs question is framed around the logistics...but the reality is she is worried her DH won't take on anything reliably if she gets a job. Logistics can be sorted...but first both parties have to want to sort them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

We use our old nanny often for babysitting. She did something this weekend that upset both Dh and me.

Our house is over 10,000sf. The cleaners know their way around our house but it still takes some time to tidy up some papers or have my kids put away the tiny pieces of their toys. It is not a lot of effort, just some minimal effort and if I didn’t do it, it would be fine but then we will go searching for some Lego piece or missing shoe of a doll.

OP, you do see how much of this is an issue of your own making, right? You chose a 10K sq ft house. You have allowed yourself to feel guilty if your kids lose a Lego or doll shoe if they don't put a toy away. And, regardless, a nanny can do the tidying etc. You really aren't the only person who can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

Why does hiring a past nanny make you furious? Can you find cleaners who require less pre-cleaning and also train your kids to keep things a little tidier?

It's not impossible to find good help. You need to pay more, set clear expectations for everyone, and also decide what things you are willing to compromise on...but it's possible.

We use our old nanny often for babysitting. She did something this weekend that upset both Dh and me.

Our house is over 10,000sf. The cleaners know their way around our house but it still takes some time to tidy up some papers or have my kids put away the tiny pieces of their toys. It is not a lot of effort, just some minimal effort and if I didn’t do it, it would be fine but then we will go searching for some Lego piece or missing shoe of a doll.

I cannot imagine having a house that big without a daily housekeeper!!! A good housekeeper helps you keep track of your stuff! She learns where things belong! She helps you organize! Seriously, why??

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP, right now, go to care.com, and post an ad for either a housekeeper or a nanny. Yes it’s on you (and not DH) to do this, and to hire and train someone, but the sooner you start the sooner you get to a point where you have someone you know and trust and like who can help you.

Our hiring process for a housekeeper took maybe 3 months, during which time I posted an ad, interviewed a few people, failed to find what I was looking for, modified my ad, interviewed again etc. Our housekeeper is not perfect but good god is it money well spent, and in my opinion services (rather than stuff) is the best way to spend money.

Our part-time nanny we hired, even though I SAH, precisely because we wanted someone who could get to know our children and our routine and be available as needed. Half the time we pay her we don’t really need her at all, but on the other hand she knows all the different soccer fields my kids play at and can jump in at any time to take over, and it would have been much harder to get to that point with an occasional babysitter.

I get that you’re annoyed with your DH but you can definitely take 6 months to put in place the help that you need and then, if you want, go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar position. DH makes less money (about $600k), but we live in a lower COL city. We have four kids and no family nearby.

Whenever I talk to my husband about going back to work, I feel like Cinderella in the scene when she asks her stepmother if she can go to the ball and her stepmother is like:
“Well, I see no reason why you can't go, if you get all your work done. And if you can find something suitable to wear. Of course … I said 'If."

My husband is like, “Of course you should go back to work, if you can find someone to watch the children and if you can still get dinner on the table every night, and if you can find a job that will offer you vacation when I have it…”

One of the the PPs that is in similar situation to OP. This made me laugh bc it does have a grain of truth..