Reply to If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit.  I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now.  I'm sorry. [/quote]

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work. [/quote]

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work? [/quote]

Doing everything OP does is, I guarantee you, more stressful than what her husband does, and perhaps more depressing. There are in fact studies about this. It’s not just about time spent on the contribution you make to the partnership. And actually, even if it was, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if OP worked more hours than her husband.

I’m in a similar situation to OP and my husband sees when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and so he has taken responsibility for a lot of things, like dinner and dishes twice a week, taking the kids on outings on weekends (including planning and logistics), making the kids do their laundry, and cleaning sheets and towels.

I will say that I think OP might have an issue where she insists on things being done her way, and has taken total ownership for everything, so it’s awkward for her husband to do things. If you feel micromanaged, you’re going to be much less likely to take ownership of something. [/quote]

I feel like you’re trying to troll - but no it’s not. I say that as someone that has done both the big job without kids, the big job with kids, and sah.  Full time child care can certainly have its stressful moments (when you’re exhausted and trying to not lose it on your kids, when you find out your kid is struggling in school)…but my conclusion is I just have kind of a running rate of stress.  When I worked it was directed at big work problems, now that I sah it gets directed day to day at domestic things (which school to pick, why isn’t my middle child getting any fruits and veggies, what is the weird rash on the baby) which are all things I need to solve but realistically shouldn’t generate the stress that a big client breathing down my neck should.  My conclusion for all of it is ultimately that I need to solve my running rate of stress issue - not that sah is way more stressful (that’s not to say it’s easy or all fun or anything else! It certainly has huge tough parts, but I would t say innate stress should be one for people with means to outsource a lot of the grind of cleaning and cooking etc that make it stressful just bc there aren’t enough minutes in the day sometimes)[/quote]

Nope not trolling.

I'm assuming you're a woman? So you were in a situation where you had a big job with kids AND had a stay at home spouse? When you had the big job with kids and a stay at home spouse, did you do more childcare and housework than just the trash (and whatever else OP's husband does)? Because most women with kids, big jobs, and a stay at home spouse tend to do more housework and childcare than men with kids, big jobs, and a stay at home spouse.

I didn't have time to look at the studies when PP asked for them, but now I do, and here they are. The issue is that domestic labor tasks usually done by women (like dinner, dishes, and laundry) produce higher levels of stress than domestic labor tasks men usually do (like yard work and house maintenance tasks) and higher levels of stress than work at your typical job. Tasks like dinner, dishes, and laundry are referred to as "low schedule control" tasks because there is little discretion as to whether, how, and when they must be done. High schedule control chores are performed less frequently and with more flexibility. "Absolute time spent in low, but not high, control chores is associated with increased psychological distress."

So how stressful each partner's contribution is depends less how much time they are spending on their tasks or work and more how much stress those tasks or work create.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8382213/ (see the section entitled Heteronormativity Hypothesis 1: Inequitable Gendered Divisions of Labor Leads to Inequitable Gendered Divisions of Desire)

Here's a thing about home being more stressful than work:

In a study of 122 working men and women, Damaske had volunteers collect samples of saliva throughout the day. The samples were later tested to measure the levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. Cortisol levels didn't spike when the volunteers were at work. They soared when the volunteers were home.
"When we looked at the difference between home and work in terms of their cortisol levels — that biological marker of stress — we found that people's cortisol levels were significantly lower at work than they were at home," Damaske said. The results "suggested to us that people — at least biologically speaking — had lower levels of stress ... at work," she said.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/07/15/330191097/when-work-becomes-a-haven-from-stress-at-home

SAHMs have four hours more leisure time than working dads (although this is for SAHMs of kids of all ages, I doubt OP has much leisure time right now), and their leisure time is different: "Fathers and mothers seem to experience their free time differently. Mothers’ free time is often interrupted, which may make it hard for them to relax (Bianchi, et al. 2006; Mattingly & Bianchi 2003). Moreover, mothers tend to spend more time than fathers in multitasking; the additional hours spent on multitasking are mainly related to time spent on housework and child care (Offer & Schneider 2011)."

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

And just for your situation, SAHMs do more household work than SAHDs, also from the above study:
"Stay-at-home fathers help out more in housework and child care than do working fathers. They average about 18 hours per week in doing housework and 11 hours in taking care of the kids, the highest levels of all fathers...In contrast, when moms stay at home and dads work for pay, they average about 26 hours per week in housework and about 20 hours in child care, more than three times as much as what their working partners put into these activities."

There is a lot more out there (and the first paper in particular has many links to research papers about the stress of different kinds of chores), but I think that gets the idea across. [/quote]

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