If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

I mean, I’m not trying to convince you that if the only unfun things you have to do in life are laundry and cooking, that’s less stressful than a job.

And I guess I’m not trying to convince you that life at the office is less stressful than doing the same number of hours in domestic tasks, but for most women, work is a break and it’s getting home that is the stressful part of their day. You don’t need me to convince you, all that is easily found on google.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

OMG, your husband brings $1million, just kiss his feet and live your life happily ever after. Find yourself a part-time job and just continue taking care of kids. Hire cleaner, gardener, have private tutors come to your house instead of you coming to them (piano or whatever you are doing). How can you even complain. Let him work, that’s what he does best. He works for both of you why you take care of kids and household, pretty good deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

If he is bring home a 7 figure HHI THEN YOUR JOB IS ALL of household and child responsibilities
With that much money, you can afford all the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Op I am in the same position as you and work part time. It is a mid level position and I often feel like I wasted my talent, but there would be no way to work full time without it being miserable for me since I do everything around the house and take care of all kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should fully fund an IRA for you at the least. I wouldn’t work in your shoes. You do work. At home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

For me cooking and laundry is not more stressful than working if I have time to do it and can do it at my natural pace. The problem is it has to be completed in a rushed manner when I get home from work and am already tired. That’s what makes it stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

OMG, your husband brings $1million, just kiss his feet and live your life happily ever after. Find yourself a part-time job and just continue taking care of kids. Hire cleaner, gardener, have private tutors come to your house instead of you coming to them (piano or whatever you are doing). How can you even complain. Let him work, that’s what he does best. He works for both of you why you take care of kids and household, pretty good deal

Pretty much this. No matter what you do or how good at it you are, in the context of your marriage, anything you do will just be a hobby, and most people aren’t going to listen to you complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

For me cooking and laundry is not more stressful than working if I have time to do it and can do it at my natural pace. The problem is it has to be completed in a rushed manner when I get home from work and am already tired. That’s what makes it stressful.

Oh and the fact that I’m doing several things at a time after work. Most likely cooking, laundry and helping with homework/activities simultaneously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

So he spends time with the kids when he can, he helps clean up after dinner and takes out the trash, and you get frustrated with him when he "disrupts the routine"? But he's supposed to do more (as long as he does it your way, and presumably while still earning "just barely seven figures")? He earns a million bucks a year -- hire a housecleaner and a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you have staff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

I think it’s more stressful to not spend your life the way that you want to. I feel bad for women who want to SAH but need to work and women, like the OP, who want to work but are forced into a position where they need to SAH. That sucks.

And yes, I know there there are stories of women who still SAH and live on $1k/month, and there are stories of women who manage to be amazing mothers while they are also curing cancer and their spouse works 100 hours/wk.
But, outside if extremes, most women in the OP’s position more or less have to SAH and raise the children. And if that isn’t how you thought you were going to spend your life, that kind of sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

Use his big money and hire a nanny or two and housekeeper who does laundry. How is this that hard given how wealthy you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

If I go back to work, I think I would earn $100-200k. Dh earns $2m+. In order to earn that much, he is always on. I feel his focus is on work even when he is home. It is unlikely he would step up more if I went back to work.

My unpopular opinion is that if he is bringing in that much, then he should not be expected to do many household chores. It really doesn't make sense from a cost benefit perspective. Would you prefer he take a less demanding job and earn less? His time at home should be spent on quality time with you and the kids. It is good that he will help with dinner and trash so kids see that.

And stop caring so much what your friends think. No one else knows what is best for your family other than you. Why do you want to go back to work?

SAHM here. I agree with you. If he's putting in that many hours you cannot expect him to do everything with the kids. You want him to spend quality time with the kids. You choose to have three kids, which is a lot. Hire a babysitter per kid or kids and have them do the driving. Where is all your money going?

[Anonymous]

Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000