If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

My DH is about to take a new role that pays more than twice what he made as a fed, and I run a small business (about $1.5mm in revenue a year).

We keep talking about what the expectations are as we go. This helps me not be resentful, particularly because as of late, I can get the kids home from school and he has been late putting me in charge of dinner. If I'm just expected to do these things it feels unfair.

So we discuss it and balance. Then we hire a sitter or a house cleaner if life is getting too overwhelming for either of us. We are hoping to keep it this way when he starts this new gig (He'll make a ton more than I will).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve posted so many times. Clearly your situation isn’t working for you. (Or if it wasn’t you, there’s at least one other poster who’s a SAHM to three kids who wants to go back to work with a seven figure earning DH). Fact is, your DH isn’t likely to step up to do more chores to enable you to go back to work. Fair or not, he sees it as your job. I have a family member in a similar situation, except their income differential was even greater (her DH was making eight figures), he literally made more in one day of work than she would for the entire year. She didn’t work, outsourced everything she could when the kids were young, and now that they’re teenagers she volunteers or maybe does a few hours of paid work per week. Her husband just didn’t see the need for her to work and didn’t support it.

I already find it pretty surprising that there are so many people here with 7-figure incomes (even accounting for some of them being trolls), but what on earth do people do to make an 8-figure income? That absolutely cannot be that common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

NP here. I believe all this, and I think you are sort of making excuses. If a job would make you happier than now, who cares that kid stuff will eat your PTO so your poor DH can't travel. That's his problem. If it's about the kids traveling, he can travel without you...or he could, you know, step up occasionally. At the same time, many of the things you think you'll have to take time off for can be handled by a FT nanny.

Raising kids when either parent has a demanding job is hard, but money makes it much easier. We have $1M HHI and a FT nanny with elementary aged kids. It isn't easy, but it works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

Hmmm… we have 3 kids in private school (120k a year) a part time nanny (30k a year) and a nearly full time housekeeper (45K a year). That’s 195K a year. On a 1M+ income, that still leaves us a ton of money to live very well. Taxes (for better or worse) are not quite 40% once everything is deducted, but even if it were, it’s still PLENTY. I appreciate that all of those perks are not always as fancy as they seem but saying you can’t have both is nuts. You might CHOOSE more savings than more help, but many do not! Unless your “7 figure income” is barely 7 figures and you are on the older side and retiring soon…

I think it’s great you have the employees to help your life run smoothly and I’m not in any way being snarky, but could you explain a bit about how your housekeeper fills all those hours? I assume if she acts as a cleaner that would take a solid full day out of the week. What is she doing those four other 8-hour days? Even food prep and laundry and straightening up wouldn’t that long. Or do you just recognize you are paying way more hours than you actually need her to work?

We initially didn’t want somebody for as many hours but found it was easier to hire someone for 30+ hours a week - they need the stability. Our housekeeper enjoys ironing, and she’s good at it. So now she irons all our sheets (four sets) every week (so crisp!) and washes and presses all of DHs work clothes that we used to take to the cleaners. She irons a lot of my clothes as well, and I’ve noticed how much nicer and put together I look when my clothes are perfectly ironed!

Thanks for responding. I outsource weekly cleaning, husband’s work shirts, and do all the day to day pick up and straightening myself. If you are adding on those tasks plus ironing and especially with any errands/grocery shopping or dinner prep, I can absolutely see how you can make 30 hours busy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

If he is making seven figures, I would pay for all of the help you would need that a DH making less would do, including childcare breaks for you. This is a great situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Unless the time and effort spent managing things like this “counts” when you’re dividing up labor. So if doing it means something else comes off your plate, its not a big deal. The problem is when one parent is responsible just for work and the other is responsible for work *and* outsourcing logistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Oh op - I say this as someone who has made several millions myself before I retired to raise my 3 kids and have a spouse still in a 7 figure job. When your one vacation runs into the next vacation (you know you can spring break at home) and your children are in such extensive expensive activities that you can’t find time for lunch with a friend - yes, you are living some sort of richy rich lifestyle. Cut the vacations or hire someone to cart around your kids - this isn’t some impossible problem to solve, but yes you (and I and a lot of people posting here) are leading extravagant lives that make us “busy” when they’re entirely of our own creation because we can buy a lot of “experiences”. It’s not just wearing Gucci that driving a RR that classifies someone as extravagant whereas multiple vacations do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if I was in your shoes hope you have a just stay home or maybe do a little consulting at some point if you have time. But I would not feel pressured into having a career unless you’re really wanting to do it.

I think that she does want to have a career, but get kids are on the on ramp to the UMC big city pressure cooker and she doesn’t want to take them off, and her husband isn’t actually supportive of her working in any way other than to pay lip service to it.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar position. DH makes less money (about $600k), but we live in a lower COL city. We have four kids and no family nearby.

Whenever I talk to my husband about going back to work, I feel like Cinderella in the scene when she asks her stepmother if she can go to the ball and her stepmother is like:
“Well, I see no reason why you can't go, if you get all your work done. And if you can find something suitable to wear. Of course … I said 'If."

My husband is like, “Of course you should go back to work, if you can find someone to watch the children and if you can still get dinner on the table every night, and if you can find a job that will offer you vacation when I have it…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

Many of you are acting like a 7-figure income is license to throw your money around. It doesn’t actually go that far in the DMV, if you have a nice house and pay for private school. You can have a FT nanny *or* housekeeper but not both unless you don’t want savings.

This. I was going to say this, but didn’t because I knew I’d get flamed. After taxes of 40%, it’s really not the luxurious lifestyle many of you think it is.

OP - I could have written this post - I am you down to the 3 kids. DH does no housework, but is engaged with the kids when he’s around and puts one of them to bed nightly (rotating basis). I would be happier going back to work and using all of my income to pay a nanny, but I don’t because all of my leave would be used for kid related stuff - illness, conferences, blah blah blah, and DH isn’t on board with that because he can do whatever he wants (perk of big job) and we wouldn’t be able to travel. We have a once a week housecleaner, but I drive everyone everywhere and cook all meals. I do grocery pickup and we have an occasional sitter, but mostly it’s all me and it’s mundane and boring. No real advice but I do commiserate with you!!

Op here. Thank you for understanding. Some people are acting as if we live some sort of extravagant lifestyle. My kids do expensive extracurriculars and we travel often and well but it is not some richy rich maid life.

I recently had an informational meeting and was interested in taking a class for professional growth. I cant find time to take the class. I can barely find time to have a meal with a friend because my kids’ schedules are so busy. We are traveling back to back because my kids have different spring breaks. I know these are first world problems but they are my problems.

Same and same. Minus the housekeeper. I would love one but find sometimes it is more hassle than help, so I just do it myself too.

Agree that sometimes the hiring process and managing of someone is more hassle than help. Unfortunately.

Op here. Dh and I went out last weekend and had our old nanny babysit for us and without going into details, I was furious.

We do have cleaners but every time they come, we all have to clean before the cleaners come.

I feel it was way easier to outsource when kids were young. I used to work when I only had 2 kids and they were younger. I had a full time nanny and one child went to preschool.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would start with hiring a housekeeper full time or nearly full time and have her take over a lot of the cooking and cleaning as well as some of the driving kids around.
Then, when you have some space to breathe, see how you feel about hiring out childcare and working more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar position. DH makes less money (about $600k), but we live in a lower COL city. We have four kids and no family nearby.

Whenever I talk to my husband about going back to work, I feel like Cinderella in the scene when she asks her stepmother if she can go to the ball and her stepmother is like:
“Well, I see no reason why you can't go, if you get all your work done. And if you can find something suitable to wear. Of course … I said 'If."

My husband is like, “Of course you should go back to work, if you can find someone to watch the children and if you can still get dinner on the table every night, and if you can find a job that will offer you vacation when I have it…”

This a DH issue, not a logistics issue. I fully acknowledge that a lot of DHs have this issue (including mine, though less extreme)...but it's important to frame things accurately. No amount of outsourcing can make up for a partner who won't lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

If you didn’t take a break, it would be easy for both of you to learn to juggle. Now you have a system which may readjust itself or break. If you want to work, wait until at least 2 out of three are gone to college. If it works by dividing responsibilities as one bringing money, other managing family, you don’t need to make life a chaos for everyone.