If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

Dh has a very demanding job and earns a seven figure income. I am currently a SAHM with 3 kids and I handle everything with the kids and household. Dh wakes up and goes to work. His hours are unpredictable so I can never depend on him for any after school or evening kid activities. If he gets home early, he will take kids to sports and activities. He also does most of the kid sports on weekends.

If one parent has a big job, how much does that parent contribute to the household tasks?

I would like to go back to work but I have 3 kids in 3 different schools and I have a hard enough time juggling their schedules and I don’t even work.

My friend who has two young kids implied I am just making excuses. Her husband is also busy, unpredictable schedule and travels for work. She handles all kid and household tasks but has a flexible work from home job. Her kids don’t do any activities.

If I went back to work, I would still have to handle everything related to the kids and house. I wouldn’t just be able to wake up and go to work the way Dh does and I would need to handle all the logistics of the kids in the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. You should not ask your husband to do any chores. That’s why you’re home and that’s your job. He’s being a father to his kids.

[Anonymous]

OP if you’re both working, you have to hire help. If one or both of you are working a very demanding job, you have to hire more help.

I’m a SAHM and when my DH is in his busiest season, I hire help and lean on family so that I can have breaks because I don’t get them on weekends or evenings.

If you want to go back to work you should, and you should hire help to support you. Even if at first that takes a big chunk of your earnings. You can afford it and you should work if you want to work without feeling you need to compromise on what your kids get or force your husband to step back at his job.

[Anonymous]

Hire a good nanny if you want to go back to work. You can’t put that genie back in the bottle, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny/house manager.

[Anonymous]

Same situation as you except with 1 kid only so far. DH is not expected to contribute anything to household management but funds all of it. We don’t have any childcare help since it’s just 1 kid but I expect this will change when we have more. He does no chores- I outsource it all.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

[Anonymous]

I've seen lots of big dual careers make it work but I think the trick is never doing an alternative so neither can get into the one-sided habit. I think it'd be very very tough to dig yourself out now. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

How many hours does he work a week? My DH works 70 plus would be impossible. Not op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

He just doesn't do it? Do you scream at him or take it like a wimp?

[Anonymous]

Your husband should be doing more, IMO. But you need to handle the issue collaboratively and rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

He just doesn't do it? Do you scream at him or take it like a wimp?

I sometimes yell but not about housework. I do have cleaners.

I handle 95% of kid stuff.

I just know that I would still be responsible for the same things even if I go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

He just doesn't do it? Do you scream at him or take it like a wimp?

I sometimes yell but not about housework. I do have cleaners.

I handle 95% of kid stuff.

I just know that I would still be responsible for the same things even if I go back to work.

You’re right. Whoever said you’re making excuses is wrong.

[Anonymous]

We have one DC with some SNs. DH does some household chores but I do about 90% of it, all drop offs and pickups and therapies and activities. I get to laze around at least one day of the weekend. When things seem tough, I can tell him. He also works his ass off, and knows I’m proud of that and of him. He isn’t work-obsessed and doesn’t focus his identity around work, which I think is pretty fundamental to our sensibilities and our life.