If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

A 7 figure income?

Outsource everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

I don't know. I have a biggish job, and I think it is. Maybe some jobs have must-do deadlines daily, but I've never had one. I don't have any choice but to feed my kids at roughly the same time everyday. I do find thinking, planning, preparing, listening to complaints, then cleaning more stressful than any presentation to anyone (and I used to work in the WH).

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a difference between child related stuff and straight up household chores. When I decided to SAH, I took on childcare and doing household things during work hours. I’m not going to also do all the bedtime, cleanup, and laundry while DH relaxes all night after work. He comes home and jumps in with childcare if he can, then often takes out the trash or does a few dishes. Same thing with weekends. He’s not completely checked out on the weekend just because he WOH, we are both on.

I do think a higher income makes things a lot easier and I personally felt a lot less resentful when we could outsource more household chores and take advantage of some outside the home childcare.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

What are you complaining about if you have a full time nanny?

I’m not complaining. I just don’t think a DH should be excused from family life bc of his seven-figure job.

There is a difference between family life and household chores. Of course he should spend time with his kids when he is home. But if he makes enough to outsource help (which he does), he works long hours, and she stays home, there is no reason for him to be doing any household chores at all. His time at home should be devoted to the kids. OP can either outsource household chores or do them herself- or a combination.

This!
The guy makes so much money, I don’t think he need to be bothered cleaning the house or cooking meals. OP just doesn’t know what it is to be poor on top of her complaints. Maybe she should try working full time on top of having her kids, no money for children or housekeeping. Then she can come here and tell us how it is.

But kids like to know their parents both take care of them. I don’t mean laundry or even cooking but some bedtime and/or helping with the morning routine. Something more than just being a fun uncle character who shows up for events and activities. It’s important to me and my husband that our kids feel this. Not laundry or cooking necessarily but the caring for the actual children. I do as much of the other stuff as I can so he can focus on things with the kids (which obviously he doesn’t even do half of, but that’s the priority)

[Anonymous]

OP - it’s actually quite simple, hire a nanny and a maid and go back to work. Get a weekend babysitter once a month. Literally that’s all you have to do.

I make three times as much as my husband and while he contributes, he hates to clean. I have a maid. It’s okay.

And stop looking for validation from your husband. He’s not going to give it. Just do what YOU want to do and eff it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a difference between child related stuff and straight up household chores. When I decided to SAH, I took on childcare and doing household things during work hours. I’m not going to also do all the bedtime, cleanup, and laundry while DH relaxes all night after work. He comes home and jumps in with childcare if he can, then often takes out the trash or does a few dishes. Same thing with weekends. He’s not completely checked out on the weekend just because he WOH, we are both on.

I do think a higher income makes things a lot easier and I personally felt a lot less resentful when we could outsource more household chores and take advantage of some outside the home childcare.

This. Also when DH hit 7 figures we hired a daily housekeeper and part time nanny, even though I SAH. I do all the household management stuff, but when DH is home it’s 50/50.

[Anonymous]

If your husband made too little money, you would have to work and wouldn’t have the option to SAH. Your husband makes too much money for you to work and keep the house functioning at the level he expects, even if you outsource a lot.
This is the bed you made. Your job is to SAH right now. Make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 7 figure income?

Outsource everything!

This. DH has a 7-figure income and I work by choice and make $250k. Almost all of my income goes toward (i) nanny; (ii) sports and tutors; (3) college funds; and (4) my retirement. The hardest part of our arrangement for me is managing all the people who help us, like the nanny, house keeper and sports. Our kids still do it all - travel sports, private lessons for their sports, music lessons. And either DH or I (or both of us) is at every game, competition, recital or parent teacher conference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 7 figure income?

Outsource everything!

This. DH has a 7-figure income and I work by choice and make $250k. Almost all of my income goes toward (i) nanny; (ii) sports and tutors; (3) college funds; and (4) my retirement. The hardest part of our arrangement for me is managing all the people who help us, like the nanny, house keeper and sports. Our kids still do it all - travel sports, private lessons for their sports, music lessons. And either DH or I (or both of us) is at every game, competition, recital or parent teacher conference.

Ah! Your humility is underwhelming.

[Anonymous]

I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - it’s actually quite simple, hire a nanny and a maid and go back to work. Get a weekend babysitter once a month. Literally that’s all you have to do.

I make three times as much as my husband and while he contributes, he hates to clean. I have a maid. It’s okay.

And stop looking for validation from your husband. He’s not going to give it. Just do what YOU want to do and eff it.

I agree with this poster. I think you should hire more help, then decide whether you want to go back to work or not. You have enough money that you could be heavily involved in a hobby, or get into charitable giving. Just find something you enjoy to do with your time. Your husband is not there to make you happy. That comes from within. I have been a SAH mom and then worked part time on a 10th of your income. Very few people in this world are blessed with the kind of financial freedom you have. Quit worrying about what other people think, the gender dynamics in your marriage, etc. Just enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you have no sympathy for jada who has lost all her hair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you have no sympathy for jada who has lost all her hair?

Yeah I don’t get this either. We can’t have sympathy or empathy for wealthy people now? What about upper middle class people, can we feel sympathy for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you have no sympathy for jada who has lost all her hair?

Yeah I don’t get this either. We can’t have sympathy or empathy for wealthy people now? What about upper middle class people, can we feel sympathy for them?

I feel no sympathy/empathy for those with high income complaining about anything. They have plenty of money to throw at all their problems and have no right to complain. Get off your Gucci a$$ and see that hungry children have food for every meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have as much sympathy for those with 7 figure HHI as I do for Will Smith and his wife's Alopecia. She can buy a wig. You can hire all the help you need.

I’m not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you have no sympathy for jada who has lost all her hair?

Yeah I don’t get this either. We can’t have sympathy or empathy for wealthy people now? What about upper middle class people, can we feel sympathy for them?

I feel no sympathy/empathy for those with high income complaining about anything. They have plenty of money to throw at all their problems and have no right to complain. Get off your Gucci a$$ and see that hungry children have food for every meal.

Money is not everything.