If one parent has a big job, how is household divide?

[Anonymous]

If he makes seven figures, just hire a nanny and housecleaner and go back to work. With that income, neither of you need to be doing household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

Yes, it matters, with seven figure salary, I think he earned it. I know that women now want careers and all that, but many would love to be in your shoes and just raise family. imagine he earns $65000 and you live in a tiny apartment and you have to budget every shopping trip….and he bugs you about sending kids to daycare and going to work full time too…and he doesn’t help around at all on top of it…does your situation sound a bit better now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

What are you complaining about if you have a full time nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

Yes, it matters, with seven figure salary, I think he earned it. I know that women now want careers and all that, but many would love to be in your shoes and just raise family. imagine he earns $65000 and you live in a tiny apartment and you have to budget every shopping trip….and he bugs you about sending kids to daycare and going to work full time too…and he doesn’t help around at all on top of it…does your situation sound a bit better now?

If he's working a lot you cannot expect him to be an equal contributor at home. He earns enough to outsource. Its a compromise. Either that or he needs to take a lesser position with less money and more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

+1 DH helped with bottle feeding and baby calming during the bewitching hours; read bedtime stories; coached soccer; pitches in with laundry; does dishes; is in charge of breakfast; takes care of the yard; unloads dishwasher; and when I nee to be out of town, can handle everything with little to no instructions. He's a part of the family, not an ATM machine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just have an awesome DH? He earns just barely seven figures, and I also make a respectable $200k. He does bedtime and morning routine every day with our preschooler and I handle the baby. He does minor repairs around the house. He spends a large chunk of the weekends with the kids and also lets me sleep in weekend mornings since I’m doing the night feedings. He is not a good cook so I handle that. But he loads/unloads the dishwasher or throws in laundry whenever he sees the need. We do have a nanny who helps with housework during the week. And we lean on family to get a break.

What you are describing sounds pretty terrible and a bad example to set for the kids, OP.

Op here. Dh does help clean up after dinner and take out the trash.

Does it matter how much he earns?
Would it make a difference if he earned 200k or 500k?

I’m often resentful but I know he is busy. If I ask him to do something, he often doesn’t do it so it is almost better not to ask him at all. When he is home, I get frustrated since he doesn’t know the routine and instead disrupts the routine.

He just doesn't do it? Do you scream at him or take it like a wimp?

I sometimes yell but not about housework. I do have cleaners.

I handle 95% of kid stuff.

I just know that I would still be responsible for the same things even if I go back to work.

You’re right. Whoever said you’re making excuses is wrong.

Plenty of families do manage it. It’s not impossible, but it would be harder while three kids are in three different schools, especially if they do after school activities or sports that require driving. You would need to be willing to hire help, which it sounds like you certainly can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: you can convince me that cooking and laundry is more stressful than yard work, but you cannot convince that it’s more stressful than an actual job. Sorry, it’s not.

+1,000. Especially not a seven figure job.

[Anonymous]

We are a dual big career family, but we have alternated over the years over whose career has the bigger focus. First 1.5 years of our son's life H had a extremely high stress, extremely important big job. He spent every second he could with our son - I don't think he did anything around the house at this time that wasn't childcare, and sometimes doing the dishes late at night. His job meant that he couldn't be relied upon to be done work at a certain time.

I still worked during this time, but avoided travel as much as possible and pulled back where I could - if we needed extra support MIL flew in. We had a nanny and weekly cleaners, and lived in a condo for low maintenance.

We knew it was only going to be 1.5 years so we did what we had to do and threw money at most issues. H still works but has a lot more flexibility now, and I have been able to lean in.

We've always had a nanny (more of a household manager now, kids are 8/10/12), weekly housekeepers, and now that we have a house we outsource yardwork. I honestly don't care if my H does housework - am very willing to outsource that. He's a great dad and that is way more important to me.

[Anonymous]

Your husband makes 7 figures and you can't figure out that you can afford to outsource things?

What kind of job are you even trying to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

What are you complaining about if you have a full time nanny?

I’m not complaining. I just don’t think a DH should be excused from family life bc of his seven-figure job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 7 figures and you can't figure out that you can afford to outsource things?

What kind of job are you even trying to do?

Maybe her DH won’t let her. Maybe he thinks because she is home they shouldn’t pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

What are you complaining about if you have a full time nanny?

I’m not complaining. I just don’t think a DH should be excused from family life bc of his seven-figure job.

There is a difference between family life and household chores. Of course he should spend time with his kids when he is home. But if he makes enough to outsource help (which he does), he works long hours, and she stays home, there is no reason for him to be doing any household chores at all. His time at home should be devoted to the kids. OP can either outsource household chores or do them herself- or a combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I don’t like the idea that if a parent makes 1M he doesn’t have to take care of kids but if he makes 200K he does.

When you’re taking care of kids, especially as they get older, you get to know them. You really get to know their preferences for clothing, food, books, and toys, you get to know what they are like with other kids their age when you take them to play dates and birthday parties, you get to know what they’re learning in school and which of their teachers are awesome and which are bummers, etc.

And you get some empathy and understanding for your spouse when you have to make your kid brush their teeth, listen to them whine about not having screens, or whatever. And empathy is so valuable in relationships! Not everything is about optimizing efficiency.

Anyways, that’s just my personal opinion.

OP if you actually want to go back to work I’d recommend marriage counseling honestly to talk about division of labor. Because even the process of managing outsourcing is work itself.

But if you don’t want to go back to work, don’t, and don’t feel bad about hiring help. You don’t have to subject yourself to a life without rest or fun or challenge just because your husband earns a lot. In fact you shouldn’t.

+1,000

+2,000. I posted earlier that my DH makes just over $1m and is still heavily involved in the household and with the kids. He understands many facets of their personalities and behavior better than I do, because he spends a lot of time with them. Also, I don’t “kiss his feet” WTF

Same poster. Maybe it’s because we used to earn the same amount a few years ago? His career has taken off while I have kinda mommy tracked myself. Despite that, we’ve maintained a similar division of labor as in our early days as parents. He does maybe 10% less than before, but our nanny picks up that slack

What are you complaining about if you have a full time nanny?

I’m not complaining. I just don’t think a DH should be excused from family life bc of his seven-figure job.

There is a difference between family life and household chores. Of course he should spend time with his kids when he is home. But if he makes enough to outsource help (which he does), he works long hours, and she stays home, there is no reason for him to be doing any household chores at all. His time at home should be devoted to the kids. OP can either outsource household chores or do them herself- or a combination.

This!
The guy makes so much money, I don’t think he need to be bothered cleaning the house or cooking meals. OP just doesn’t know what it is to be poor on top of her complaints. Maybe she should try working full time on top of having her kids, no money for children or housekeeping. Then she can come here and tell us how it is.