In an affair, who "wins"? The wife or the mistress?

[Anonymous]

Wut

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

The girlfriend is wasting her life in a dead end relationship instead of finding someone to love her full time.

The girlfriend is married to someone who doesn't notice her anymore. This AP gives her tons of attention, great sex, tells her she's beautiful, basically gives her what she is missing at home.

I would think this could only work if she is able to compartmentalize and doesn’t start falling for AP or getting jealous of his wife. I don’t think anyone generally wins but I imagine the winner would be the person who cares the least. If wife doesn’t really care for her husband anymore and is glad to take the money and run or stick it out in the relationship for her own reasons but a AP is obsessed with husband and it drives her crazy that he won’t leave his wife then I imagine wife would be the winner. If wife deeply loves her husband and is completely messed up by the affair and AP doesn’t care for the man much and treats it like a fling then she would come out better off.

+1

[Anonymous]

The winner is whoever doesn't let herself get hung up and competitive over some dusty man who doesn't think she's that important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Aahhh outdated in today’s world.

In the DMV it’s online married people hooking up. Middle of the day, leave no trace. No fancy hotels, vacations or dinners.

It’s the wife going on the vacations to Europe, the Michelin star restaurants and date nights, and the thoughtful gifts. My ex planned massive surprise parties and dinners for me while his married AP got 40 min in the Marriott during the day once or twice a month and an unsigned card or bottle of wine.

But, you are correct about seeing the grooming as every day things. But she never woke up next to him.

They both lost as both spouses dumped them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Aahhh outdated in today’s world.

In the DMV it’s online married people hooking up. Middle of the day, leave no trace. No fancy hotels, vacations or dinners.

It’s the wife going on the vacations to Europe, the Michelin star restaurants and date nights, and the thoughtful gifts. My ex planned massive surprise parties and dinners for me while his married AP got 40 min in the Marriott during the day once or twice a month and an unsigned card or bottle of wine.

But, you are correct about seeing the grooming as every day things. But she never woke up next to him.

They both lost as both spouses dumped them.

Oh and let me add- I certainly wasn’t in competition with a woman I’d never knew existed. Though she stalked me online the entire time. I certainly don’t think of affairs as winning or losing. Though the cheaters ARE losers. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Aahhh outdated in today’s world.

In the DMV it’s online married people hooking up. Middle of the day, leave no trace. No fancy hotels, vacations or dinners.

It’s the wife going on the vacations to Europe, the Michelin star restaurants and date nights, and the thoughtful gifts. My ex planned massive surprise parties and dinners for me while his married AP got 40 min in the Marriott during the day once or twice a month and an unsigned card or bottle of wine.

But, you are correct about seeing the grooming as every day things. But she never woke up next to him.

They both lost as both spouses dumped them.

I’d just as soon rather pay for my own dinners and vacations than go with someone who had zero respect for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Aahhh outdated in today’s world.

In the DMV it’s online married people hooking up. Middle of the day, leave no trace. No fancy hotels, vacations or dinners.

It’s the wife going on the vacations to Europe, the Michelin star restaurants and date nights, and the thoughtful gifts. My ex planned massive surprise parties and dinners for me while his married AP got 40 min in the Marriott during the day once or twice a month and an unsigned card or bottle of wine.

But, you are correct about seeing the grooming as every day things. But she never woke up next to him.

They both lost as both spouses dumped them.

I’d just as soon rather pay for my own dinners and vacations than go with someone who had zero respect for me.

Or bang someone in a hotel a few times a month who wouldn't take me out in public or even buy me dinner, and had no interest in me in any other manner. Even less respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Aahhh outdated in today’s world.

In the DMV it’s online married people hooking up. Middle of the day, leave no trace. No fancy hotels, vacations or dinners.

It’s the wife going on the vacations to Europe, the Michelin star restaurants and date nights, and the thoughtful gifts. My ex planned massive surprise parties and dinners for me while his married AP got 40 min in the Marriott during the day once or twice a month and an unsigned card or bottle of wine.

But, you are correct about seeing the grooming as every day things. But she never woke up next to him.

They both lost as both spouses dumped them.

I’d just as soon rather pay for my own dinners and vacations than go with someone who had zero respect for me.

Or bang someone in a hotel a few times a month who wouldn't take me out in public or even buy me dinner, and had no interest in me in any other manner. Even less respect.

But what about if he treated you like a woodland animal or a bird companion ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

And a lifetime of stigma, shame and that kids psychiatric bills.

[Anonymous]

For a long time it seemed the mistress won in my family. My ex wasn’t abusive or a bad guy, I loved our 16 years as a married couple, but he has adhd and is very impulsive, hence the affair. But he wasn’t “toxic” or hard to live with and he was/is a good dad so it wasn’t “easier” to parent without him. All the pluses I hear about divorce just didn’t apply to me. Our money and life was ripped in half and we all had to act polite for the kids. But as the years went on I think he became bored and his wondering eye came back. She became a little mentally unstable because I think her looks are very important to her and she correlated his moral failings with her getting old/losing her looks. I can tell they are on thin ice and it feels good to be out of the storm but I’m still pissed because now my kids will loose another parent figure that they like. But anyway on a whole she won, at least for the time being. I see her cooking in kitchen when I drop off my kids and and she’s all friendly and lightly frying the fish just as my ex liked and I think “dang you just up and stole my life.” But she didn’t steal it, my ex destroyed it. I know this rationally but it really doesn’t always feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a long time it seemed the mistress won in my family. My ex wasn’t abusive or a bad guy, I loved our 16 years as a married couple, but he has adhd and is very impulsive, hence the affair. But he wasn’t “toxic” or hard to live with and he was/is a good dad so it wasn’t “easier” to parent without him. All the pluses I hear about divorce just didn’t apply to me. Our money and life was ripped in half and we all had to act polite for the kids. But as the years went on I think he became bored and his wondering eye came back. She became a little mentally unstable because I think her looks are very important to her and she correlated his moral failings with her getting old/losing her looks. I can tell they are on thin ice and it feels good to be out of the storm but I’m still pissed because now my kids will loose another parent figure that they like. But anyway on a whole she won, at least for the time being. I see her cooking in kitchen when I drop off my kids and and she’s all friendly and lightly frying the fish just as my ex liked and I think “dang you just up and stole my life.” But she didn’t steal it, my ex destroyed it. I know this rationally but it really doesn’t always feel that way.

The life she got is not the one you had. She stole your man not your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wins. The wife is humiliated, the mistress has low self-esteem and low morals, and the husband is a POS. The mistress and husband are actively bad people and the wife is a victim.

How is the wife humiliated? It is the dh's choice. He should be humiliated that he couldn't keep his vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never met an ex-wife of a doctor that regretted the payout.

Except doctors have the lowest divorce rate of any profession.

[Anonymous]

Lawyers win, along with either of the women who realize they deserve better and walk away. I know of an OW (a friend) who had a real 'aha' moment during the affair and it was the catalyst for much needed therapy and self reflection.