In an affair, who "wins"? The wife or the mistress?

[Anonymous]

There is no winner. It’s a fantasy, an escape at most. Anyone who chooses this path knows this who is sane.

It’s the thrill of the taboo… A moment in time where you both pretend you are single. And it always or most usually ends.

Seriously, you’re going to break up your entire family over a new side piece who will never love you and the kids more than your spouse?!? You’re going to ruin holidays forever over average sex which seems hot as new. nope.

[Anonymous]

Because I felt the same way about my H. We both married too young, with too little experience, and weren't ready to untangle our lives and families at that point. We since have.

You are a trash human. Apart from the obvious (being selfish, a cheater and a liar), you had to disparage your spouse verbally? Even if everything you said is true (and of course we all know it’s revisionist history to rationalize your crappy choices), there was zero need to articulate that to someone else. You have zero class.

[Anonymous]

The wife, honey. Now she knows what's what and can move on with her life. Meanwhile, the dreamy eyed mistress is sitting there believing all the lies about being better. Smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do APs genuinely believe the things these guys tell them?! I’ve never had any part in an affair as AP or spouse but I could never sleep with someone who made nasty mean comments about his wife, or even ex. Some of these comments saying the men are criticizing their wife’s body, appearance etc in detail in front of APs are so gross! How could you even be attracted to a man that does that??

Mine never did, never once made a disparaging comment about her or any other woman. Nor did I. I really didn’t feel any competition with or jealousy over her as it was never about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

As the girlfriend he cheated on you as he was married with a wife.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I was the OW and didn't feel cheated on at all that he was still having sex with his wife. I knew all about her looseness and stinkiness, and I had to keep up appearances with my H just like he did with his W. Shrug. No reason to feel jealous.

Oh honey, he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. You are both liars. These men have their face in it and are going for it at home all the time too. He's not going to tell you he's happy and having sex at home because it wouldn't go very well.

It's like the men that claim to their APs that they haven't had sex with their wives in years---but she somehow keeps having babies.

And trust me, when he gets caught he's going to tell his wife the same exact thing about you: you had a mustache that needed waxing, and cellulite and a pouch and didn't stay maintained down. How he had to do you from behind because he would get distracted by your ugly face, etc. Anything to appease his wife and make her feel better.

But keep believing you are so special in your cheating, lying ways.

Simply not at all true in my experience. And calm down, PP. You don’t know me or my experiences. I stand by my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

No one cares in my work circle at all - at least not about the other woman. They blame the married person hand not the par amour.

[Anonymous]

Please let us know where you work so we can avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do APs genuinely believe the things these guys tell them?! I’ve never had any part in an affair as AP or spouse but I could never sleep with someone who made nasty mean comments about his wife, or even ex. Some of these comments saying the men are criticizing their wife’s body, appearance etc in detail in front of APs are so gross! How could you even be attracted to a man that does that??

Mine never did, never once made a disparaging comment about her or any other woman. Nor did I. I really didn’t feel any competition with or jealousy over her as it was never about that.

I became jealous of her because I developed feelings for him over time. But, he never said a single bad thing about her. He spoke highly of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

Not always. A lot of times they're counting down the days that man leaves his wife for her.

[Anonymous]

The AP in my situation had been fawning over my ex for years. He eventually left for her and they lasted a good solid year after our divorce before they split. I don't know the why's of why they broke up (don't care either), but I sure find it funny that she once told me if I had acted like a wife I wouldn't have had problems in my marriage. Then she went on to "act like a wife" (but without a ring) and looka there, it blew up!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

Please, the girlfriend is constantly lied to. She's told that he doesn't have sex with his wife, that she's a better woman for A), B) and C) reasons, that she's the best love he's ever had. Not humiliating? You haven't run across the right wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

I had a mistress that wanted to have my child. She had a lawyer draw up papers to state that she wanted no financial support from me. I didn’t go through with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

No one cares in my work circle at all - at least not about the other woman. They blame the married person hand not the par amour.

Are you a dancer? Most people think it's horrible and trashy no matter where you work. Of course people talk and blame the the two cheaters solely. It's never the victims fault. One can get counseling, compromise, or divorce then date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

Exactly. And it says they belong to a crappy crowd. Obviously cheaters are the bottom dwellers of society. Stable individuals would never entertain doing that much like stealing from a store or other dysfunctional behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

Exactly. And it says they belong to a crappy crowd. Obviously cheaters are the bottom dwellers of society. Stable individuals would never entertain doing that much like stealing from a store or other dysfunctional behavior.

Cheating is dishonesty and lying. So yeah, people think you lack integrity and are a dishonest, liar.