In an affair, who "wins"? The wife or the mistress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

As the girlfriend he cheated on you as he was married with a wife.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I was the OW and didn't feel cheated on at all that he was still having sex with his wife. I knew all about her looseness and stinkiness, and I had to keep up appearances with my H just like he did with his W. Shrug. No reason to feel jealous.

Oh honey, he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. You are both liars. These men have their face in it and are going for it at home all the time too. He's not going to tell you he's happy and having sex at home because it wouldn't go very well.

It's like the men that claim to their APs that they haven't had sex with their wives in years---but she somehow keeps having babies.

And trust me, when he gets caught he's going to tell his wife the same exact thing about you: you had a mustache that needed waxing, and cellulite and a pouch and didn't stay maintained down. How he had to do you from behind because he would get distracted by your ugly face, etc. Anything to appease his wife and make her feel better.

But keep believing you are so special in your cheating, lying ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

As the girlfriend he cheated on you as he was married with a wife.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I was the OW and didn't feel cheated on at all that he was still having sex with his wife. I knew all about her looseness and stinkiness, and I had to keep up appearances with my H just like he did with his W. Shrug. No reason to feel jealous.

Oh honey, he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. You are both liars. These men have their face in it and are going for it at home all the time too. He's not going to tell you he's happy and having sex at home because it wouldn't go very well.

It's like the men that claim to their APs that they haven't had sex with their wives in years---but she somehow keeps having babies.

And trust me, when he gets caught he's going to tell his wife the same exact thing about you: you had a mustache that needed waxing, and cellulite and a pouch and didn't stay maintained down. How he had to do you from behind because he would get distracted by your ugly face, etc. Anything to appease his wife and make her feel better.

But keep believing you are so special in your cheating, lying ways.

It sounds like the person you are responding to knew that her AP was still having sex with his wife. And she didn't feel cheated on. Why would she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

As the girlfriend he cheated on you as he was married with a wife.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I was the OW and didn't feel cheated on at all that he was still having sex with his wife. I knew all about her looseness and stinkiness, and I had to keep up appearances with my H just like he did with his W. Shrug. No reason to feel jealous.

Oh honey, he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. You are both liars. These men have their face in it and are going for it at home all the time too. He's not going to tell you he's happy and having sex at home because it wouldn't go very well.

It's like the men that claim to their APs that they haven't had sex with their wives in years---but she somehow keeps having babies.

And trust me, when he gets caught he's going to tell his wife the same exact thing about you: you had a mustache that needed waxing, and cellulite and a pouch and didn't stay maintained down. How he had to do you from behind because he would get distracted by your ugly face, etc. Anything to appease his wife and make her feel better.

But keep believing you are so special in your cheating, lying ways.

It sounds like the person you are responding to knew that her AP was still having sex with his wife. And she didn't feel cheated on. Why would she?

I wonder if her husband will feel cheated on when he finds out. What a poor excuse for a human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife and have never been a mistress but in my younger days I did have a few female friends who dated married men. One of them wanted the MM to leave his wife for her. It DID come off as a competition to me. She seemed to want to "win" and it seemed to be a "pick me" thing more than it was about the actual guy. Several of us were blunt with her and said things to the effect of "you'd be winning someone willing to cheat on the person he'd made a commitment to." Nothing we said mattered, she was in deep. He strung her along for months, his wife found out, he never left his wife and my friend was crushed. I don't understand the competition aspect but I can tell you that it exists and from what I saw, NO ONE wins!

And the absolute crazy thing about this (which is almost always universally the case)---the wife does NOT EVEN know she is in the competition! You have one woman doing absolutely everything with a leg up and all the info on the wife and the husband that is positioning herself in the best possible light 24/7 when she is with him---and even then...

it's pathetic.

Yes! The mistress is all about sex and ego boosting. She doesn't have to deal with bills and chores and kids. I'm amazed that anyone thinks a cheating husband is a prize to be won!

This^. Once mistress becomes wife with all the trappings of life and affair novelty is gone, what’s stopping either from going for another fun affair?

[Anonymous]

All of them lose, but only two of them are losers.

[Anonymous]

The children win... because they are resilient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The children win... because they are resilient.

Its like saying people should get shot so they can become resilient. No, kids suffer the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of them lose, but only two of them are losers.

This^. There is a difference between losing and being a loser.

[Anonymous]

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

I think it depends where people wind up. If they stay in the same neighborhood and friend group yes, people will gossip and some will take sides (we had this in our friend group and everyone “chose” the wife while the philandering husband was ostracized). But if they move or switch their kids schools, no one will know or care.

[Anonymous]

Do APs genuinely believe the things these guys tell them?! I’ve never had any part in an affair as AP or spouse but I could never sleep with someone who made nasty mean comments about his wife, or even ex. Some of these comments saying the men are criticizing their wife’s body, appearance etc in detail in front of APs are so gross! How could you even be attracted to a man that does that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I divorced my wife, married my AP, and we are now raising my kids while my ex-wife is going on about her (preferred) abstinent life. So I'd say everyone pretty much won


And everyone around you knows your new wife is kind of a cheap whore. They’re just too polite to say it to your face.


No one cares- at all. Or even thinks about this

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.

Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

I'd rather be friends with the XW. She sounds more interesting than all the fake people at those social events. Gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do APs genuinely believe the things these guys tell them?! I’ve never had any part in an affair as AP or spouse but I could never sleep with someone who made nasty mean comments about his wife, or even ex. Some of these comments saying the men are criticizing their wife’s body, appearance etc in detail in front of APs are so gross! How could you even be attracted to a man that does that??

My AP only speaks very highly of his wife. He never criticizes anything about her. If I complain about my husband he doesn’t want to hear it and he doesn’t join in about his wife.

We don’t bring up our spouses very often. Frankly, I try not to think of mine and I certainly do not want to be reminded of her. I had to ask him not to send any photos with her in them.

I would think it was a red flag and I’d think a guy was a loser to be married to someone he speaks that poorly of. Although, I have to admit, it would make me feel better if my AP brought up at least a fault or two of hers. She is very pretty and accomplished and I have always been insecure about that and jealous of her. I made the mistake of complaining about her once when he couldn’t see me because of something she needed him for and he didn’t talk to me for several weeks after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I divorced my wife, married my AP, and we are now raising my kids while my ex-wife is going on about her (preferred) abstinent life. So I'd say everyone pretty much won


And everyone around you knows your new wife is kind of a cheap whore. They’re just too polite to say it to your face.


No one cares- at all. Or even thinks about this

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.

Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

I'd rather be friends with the XW. She sounds more interesting than all the fake people at those social events. Gag.

Oh me too!! I’d share a martini with her and her the goods. Much more interesting than a bunch of lying sycophants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do APs genuinely believe the things these guys tell them?! I’ve never had any part in an affair as AP or spouse but I could never sleep with someone who made nasty mean comments about his wife, or even ex. Some of these comments saying the men are criticizing their wife’s body, appearance etc in detail in front of APs are so gross! How could you even be attracted to a man that does that??

Because I felt the same way about my H. We both married too young, with too little experience, and weren't ready to untangle our lives and families at that point. We since have.