In an affair, who "wins"? The wife or the mistress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyers win, along with either of the women who realize they deserve better and walk away. I know of an OW (a friend) who had a real 'aha' moment during the affair and it was the catalyst for much needed therapy and self reflection.

I hope she stopped cheating and banging married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a long time it seemed the mistress won in my family. My ex wasn’t abusive or a bad guy, I loved our 16 years as a married couple, but he has adhd and is very impulsive, hence the affair. But he wasn’t “toxic” or hard to live with and he was/is a good dad so it wasn’t “easier” to parent without him. All the pluses I hear about divorce just didn’t apply to me. Our money and life was ripped in half and we all had to act polite for the kids. But as the years went on I think he became bored and his wondering eye came back. She became a little mentally unstable because I think her looks are very important to her and she correlated his moral failings with her getting old/losing her looks. I can tell they are on thin ice and it feels good to be out of the storm but I’m still pissed because now my kids will loose another parent figure that they like. But anyway on a whole she won, at least for the time being. I see her cooking in kitchen when I drop off my kids and and she’s all friendly and lightly frying the fish just as my ex liked and I think “dang you just up and stole my life.” But she didn’t steal it, my ex destroyed it. I know this rationally but it really doesn’t always feel that way.

The life she got is not the one you had. She stole your man not your life.

Her husband chose to go. No one can steal anyone. I am not sympathetic to cheaters nor their consorts but the notion of a woman “stealing” a man is a tired and just untrue trope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a long time it seemed the mistress won in my family. My ex wasn’t abusive or a bad guy, I loved our 16 years as a married couple, but he has adhd and is very impulsive, hence the affair. But he wasn’t “toxic” or hard to live with and he was/is a good dad so it wasn’t “easier” to parent without him. All the pluses I hear about divorce just didn’t apply to me. Our money and life was ripped in half and we all had to act polite for the kids. But as the years went on I think he became bored and his wondering eye came back. She became a little mentally unstable because I think her looks are very important to her and she correlated his moral failings with her getting old/losing her looks. I can tell they are on thin ice and it feels good to be out of the storm but I’m still pissed because now my kids will loose another parent figure that they like. But anyway on a whole she won, at least for the time being. I see her cooking in kitchen when I drop off my kids and and she’s all friendly and lightly frying the fish just as my ex liked and I think “dang you just up and stole my life.” But she didn’t steal it, my ex destroyed it. I know this rationally but it really doesn’t always feel that way.

HOLD UP. Is the OW….lightly fried tuna lady??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyers win, along with either of the women who realize they deserve better and walk away. I know of an OW (a friend) who had a real 'aha' moment during the affair and it was the catalyst for much needed therapy and self reflection.

Was she married too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

The girlfriend is wasting her life in a dead end relationship instead of finding someone to love her full time.

Not PP but I would rather be the girlfriend than the wife in this situation.

[Anonymous]

No one wins. Maybe the ex-wife (or husband who was cheated on if they got a better partner later on). Kids lose as they usually lose a parent. AP might win but she isn't getting much of a prize if he cheated on his wife to be with her. Maybe ex wife wins as she got rid of a terrible husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

The girlfriend is wasting her life in a dead end relationship instead of finding someone to love her full time.

Not PP but I would rather be the girlfriend than the wife in this situation.

But affairs are never that glamorous in real life. Only for the top execs. Most men are not taking the women out in public, no dinner, no overnights because they will get caught. And, they aren't purchasing expensive gifts, or much of anything because their spouses would notice.

The real deal is what is talked about on reddit and medium---a bunch of losers meeting up in the back of cars or cheap hotels or the woman's house when the husband is at work.

I know people in affairs who never even at out at dinner any night, ever. They were afraid to be seen getting coffee or lunch together.

A lot of women have a gold-digging, sugar baby high flier fantasy that is so far removed with how mundane and pathetic cheating is in the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

The girlfriend is wasting her life in a dead end relationship instead of finding someone to love her full time.

Not PP but I would rather be the girlfriend than the wife in this situation.

But affairs are never that glamorous in real life. Only for the top execs. Most men are not taking the women out in public, no dinner, no overnights because they will get caught. And, they aren't purchasing expensive gifts, or much of anything because their spouses would notice.

The real deal is what is talked about on reddit and medium---a bunch of losers meeting up in the back of cars or cheap hotels or the woman's house when the husband is at work.

I know people in affairs who never even at out at dinner any night, ever. They were afraid to be seen getting coffee or lunch together.

A lot of women have a gold-digging, sugar baby high flier fantasy that is so far removed with how mundane and pathetic cheating is in the DMV.

You think they'd at least like to see a different bedroom. Lol They don't even have a maid that comes in when they are finished to wash their nasty sheets like in a hotel. That is on the cheater to do before her husband gets home, unless she is even skankier that usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

And a lifetime of stigma, shame and that kids psychiatric bills.

I don’t agree with the behavior but the bolded isn’t true. I assume that some of the single moms by choice I know were former mistresses, probably the ones who are the least stressed about finances since no IVF upfront costs and additional income. As long as the child support agreement is in place before the wife files for divorce, the mistresses child would be decently cared for assuming a well-off guy, and no drama of shared custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

And a lifetime of stigma, shame and that kids psychiatric bills.

I don’t agree with the behavior but the bolded isn’t true. I assume that some of the single moms by choice I know were former mistresses, probably the ones who are the least stressed about finances since no IVF upfront costs and additional income. As long as the child support agreement is in place before the wife files for divorce, the mistresses child would be decently cared for assuming a well-off guy, and no drama of shared custody.

Excuse me? Did you just say that you assume that the intentionally conceived children of single moms by choice are secretly the bastard products of affairs? Wow you are a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The girlfriend wins. Most of the “other women” I’ve known like the freedom while being the one he treats as special. The mistress isn’t being cheated on - the wife is. The husband never broke his vows to his mistress - he broke them to his wife. The wife still has to watch him clip his toenails, stink up the bathroom, watch him watch TV, etc. The girlfriend gets dinners out and an attentive lover.

The girlfriend is wasting her life in a dead end relationship instead of finding someone to love her full time.

Not PP but I would rather be the girlfriend than the wife in this situation.

+1. When you date a married man you don’t want a long term relationship - conscious or subconscious - that they’re unavailable is the allure. Far better to be the other woman than the poor wife at home doing his laundry and caring for his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lawyers win, along with either of the women who realize they deserve better and walk away. I know of an OW (a friend) who had a real 'aha' moment during the affair and it was the catalyst for much needed therapy and self reflection.

Was she married too?

No. She was early 20s and single, had some unresolved issues. He was late 30s and married.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been both the girlfriend and the wife. The girlfriend position is far, far better and not humiliating. The girlfriend (or at least in my case) never gets lied to. The girlfriend isn’t being cheated on.

Think about it: when the girl friend’s friends see her out on a romantic date with the married guy, they have nothing to gossip about. When the wife’s friends see the same situation, they do.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife

Why?

Because she walks with half their assets, at least. Plus the love and respect of their kids, which he usually loses for years when the affair is revealed.

Mistress gets dumped or becomes the hated step mother (not worth it).

Maybe, a pregnant mistress gets 18 years of child support.

And a lifetime of stigma, shame and that kids psychiatric bills.

I don’t agree with the behavior but the bolded isn’t true. I assume that some of the single moms by choice I know were former mistresses, probably the ones who are the least stressed about finances since no IVF upfront costs and additional income. As long as the child support agreement is in place before the wife files for divorce, the mistresses child would be decently cared for assuming a well-off guy, and no drama of shared custody.

Excuse me? Did you just say that you assume that the intentionally conceived children of single moms by choice are secretly the bastard products of affairs? Wow you are a piece of work.

Children of affairs can be intentionally conceived, and the piece of work in this conversation is someone who described a child as a “bastard product”.

Yes, I’m sure some single moms by choice were APs, do you go around asking every single mom whether she has IVF or DIY?