In an affair, who "wins"? The wife or the mistress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

Exactly. And it says they belong to a crappy crowd. Obviously cheaters are the bottom dwellers of society. Stable individuals would never entertain doing that much like stealing from a store or other dysfunctional behavior.

I think what this person is seeing are people in larger groups who don't care that much to make waves or people who knew the spouse and were friends and just decided to get over it. I doubt any of them would agree that it was ok for their own spouse to cheat on them. Why don't you ask around PP if everyone is in agreement that it was a good idea for you to cheat on your spouse so you can get confirmation. Please ask everyone at the next party or baseball game or whatever to get an accurate reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not true at all. Everyone I know would think both adults are gross, would not trust either one and people would definitely gossip about it - even though they might be polite to the adults in person.


Not the PP but nope. Most people do not care.

In the few cases I can think of where someone we know has married their AP, the new couple is warmly welcomed to social events and the XW has gone off the deep end with crazed bitterness. I will admit that in one case the AP was quite young and that raised some eyebrows, but now that we've gotten to know her she's actually lovely.

NP. Plenty of people care and gossip about it. Just because your crowd is ok with it does not mean that "most" are. Cheating is a huge data point as to character and cheaters are by definition liars and selfish. You are crazy if you think these traits are confined only to their affair. So, yes I would definitely have major walls up around the cheaters and would discuss all of this with the rest of our friend group who feels the same, and none of us would be including that couple on vacations, etc. I can't hang out with people I do not respect or trust.

Exactly. And it says they belong to a crappy crowd. Obviously cheaters are the bottom dwellers of society. Stable individuals would never entertain doing that much like stealing from a store or other dysfunctional behavior.

I think what this person is seeing are people in larger groups who don't care that much to make waves or people who knew the spouse and were friends and just decided to get over it. I doubt any of them would agree that it was ok for their own spouse to cheat on them. Why don't you ask around PP if everyone is in agreement that it was a good idea for you to cheat on your spouse so you can get confirmation. Please ask everyone at the next party or baseball game or whatever to get an accurate reading.

I agree with this, as the cheated on party. If you're cheating and receiving validation from friends/coworkers/peers, it's probably because you aren't that close in the first place and none of these people feel like getting any more than surface-level involved. Or maybe they've also made poor or selfish life choices (or thought of it), so in a way they're also validating themselves.