Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

It's not about mansplaining what women think. It's about me giving her credit for having a minimum amount of common sense. As for telling her what I'm sure she has figured out if she even cares to give it a minute of thought. Back when I was trying to talk to her about this, I was very clear that I will not accept this as my situation going forward for the rest of our marriage. I asked her if she expected me to just end my sex life like she has ended hers and she sheepishly said, no. But no further comments from her. Even those words shouldn't have to be said to an intelligent person, and she is very intelligent, but I wanted to be fair to her about how I felt and the implications of this if it continued. She really just does not care. And I do kind of feel sorry for her because, whatever happened to make her lose interest, it's not her fault. It just happened. But not seeing it as a problem or wishing to explore solutions is something I blame her for.

" But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking"
So OK, now I'll piss you off, as if I cared. Why do you think women are so special that we should all give them a pass for being so clueless? I hold women in higher regard than you do if you really claim that a woman who cuts her H off from sex has no idea how that effects him or what will likely happen in her marriage down the road. Unlike you-call it mansplaining if you like-I'm fairly certain that nearly every woman with a normal libido husband, where that woman cuts him off from sex forever knows exactly what to expect. She should know men well enough and especially know her husband well enough to know just how much he enjoyed sex with her in the past and that he isn't just going to accept his new situation that she decided to on without any agreement from him.

Woman in general are not that naive, stupid, or clueless. They really aren't. To be certain, my wife is not that dumb. If I cut a woman off from sex, I'd damn well expect her to get it somewhere else and my only surprise would be if she didn't. Why do you suggest that women are any different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

Frankly, I'm thinking how stupid are you that you're arguing against women when they talk about what women's perspective. You're the one who sounds stupid. Didn't read anything beyond the 1st sentence BTW. Calling women stupid when they disagree with you is becoming I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

Frankly, I'm thinking how stupid are you that you're arguing against women when they talk about what women's perspective. You're the one who sounds stupid. Didn't read anything beyond the 1st sentence BTW. Calling women stupid when they disagree with you is becoming I'm sure.

But...he didn't call women stupid. He really didn't. You did. He said he doesn't believe that women are as stupid as you claim and that they need everything clearly spelled out for them for they could never figure out something so obvious on their own. We aren't buying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

Frankly, I'm thinking how stupid are you that you're arguing against women when they talk about what women's perspective. You're the one who sounds stupid. Didn't read anything beyond the 1st sentence BTW. Calling women stupid when they disagree with you is becoming I'm sure.

But...he didn't call women stupid. He really didn't. You did. He said he doesn't believe that women are as stupid as you claim and that they need everything clearly spelled out for them for they could never figure out something so obvious on their own. We aren't buying it.

No. He called women who disagree with him stupid. Please don't obfuscate.

[Anonymous]

Cheating PP, if you’re so convicted your wife knows what you’re up to, why would it blow up her life or blow up the marriage to get it out in the open? Both of you obviously have reasons to stay married, would it not be a relief to not have to pretend anymore?

FWIW I’m a woman and I’m not ruling out the possibility she knows and has chosen to look the other way, particularly if she’s a sham - seen this kind of willful blindness on more than one occasion, just don’t see the point.

[Anonymous]

SAHM, not sham.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

I was forced in order to keep my dignity and self-respect. But if I hadn't found out, I would still have both my dignity and my family/friends/security/life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

Frankly, I'm thinking how stupid are you that you're arguing against women when they talk about what women's perspective. You're the one who sounds stupid. Didn't read anything beyond the 1st sentence BTW. Calling women stupid when they disagree with you is becoming I'm sure.

But...he didn't call women stupid. He really didn't. You did. He said he doesn't believe that women are as stupid as you claim and that they need everything clearly spelled out for them for they could never figure out something so obvious on their own. We aren't buying it.

No. He called women who disagree with him stupid. Please don't obfuscate.

No, read it again. I did not call anybody stupid. I described the hypothetical stupid woman who YOU argued for. I keep saying that all sexless wives know their husband is getting elsewhere. You keep saying there are stupid women who need to be told this.

[Anonymous]

Cheating PP, if you’re so convicted your wife knows what you’re up to, why would it blow up her life or blow up the marriage to get it out in the open? Both of you obviously have reasons to stay married, would it not be a relief to not have to pretend anymore?

=1. Cheater, you argue that any reasonably intelligent woman in the same circumstance as your wife would know her DH was cheating, so therefore your wife must know you are cheating. If that is true, why do you refuse to talk to her about it? I mean, she already knows and must not care so why not talk to her about it? You can just tell her when you are meeting up with the AP and not worry about sneaking around or lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating PP, if you’re so convicted your wife knows what you’re up to, why would it blow up her life or blow up the marriage to get it out in the open? Both of you obviously have reasons to stay married, would it not be a relief to not have to pretend anymore?

FWIW I’m a woman and I’m not ruling out the possibility she knows and has chosen to look the other way, particularly if she’s a sham - seen this kind of willful blindness on more than one occasion, just don’t see the point.

She isn't a SAHM. I'm OK with how things are right now. It could only get worse by telling her. I don't need that kind of relief and to me it's like throwing it in her face when she would rather pretend it didn't exist. Yes, there I go thinking for her again. Also, as I've mentioned before, there is another person in this. My AP and her marriage. If you've never done this before then maybe you don't understand but I owe it to her to keep our relationship a secret. Even if I were willing to let the pieces fall as they may be telling my W, she certainly isn't. I'll let her have her willful blindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

Frankly, I'm thinking how stupid are you that you're arguing against women when they talk about what women's perspective. You're the one who sounds stupid. Didn't read anything beyond the 1st sentence BTW. Calling women stupid when they disagree with you is becoming I'm sure.

But...he didn't call women stupid. He really didn't. You did. He said he doesn't believe that women are as stupid as you claim and that they need everything clearly spelled out for them for they could never figure out something so obvious on their own. We aren't buying it.

No. He called women who disagree with him stupid. Please don't obfuscate.

I don't see where he did but that's a lot of reading. Can you highlight for me. I'm serious. I don't see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating PP, if you’re so convicted your wife knows what you’re up to, why would it blow up her life or blow up the marriage to get it out in the open? Both of you obviously have reasons to stay married, would it not be a relief to not have to pretend anymore?

=1. Cheater, you argue that any reasonably intelligent woman in the same circumstance as your wife would know her DH was cheating, so therefore your wife must know you are cheating. If that is true, why do you refuse to talk to her about it? I mean, she already knows and must not care so why not talk to her about it? You can just tell her when you are meeting up with the AP and not worry about sneaking around or lying.

I think I've explained this at least 5 times now. If you don't understand what I said, I don't know how to make it any clearer for you. I'm good with how things are. I'm not, "worry about sneaking around or lying." I'm very lucky in that it's not difficult for my AP and I to find time together.

I have NOTHING to gain from telling her and a lot to lose. So many things could go wrong with that. Call it a non-consensual DADT arrangement if you like, for indeed, we never discussed it or agreed to it. As others have pointed out, I've decided this for her just as she made her decision for me without my consent. I don't seek her permission, understanding, or blessing to keep doing what I'm doing.

If she ever really wanted to talk. Really wanted to address this and/or go to counseling, I would probably tell her. But she doesn't. She doesn't want one word of discussion about it so I'm not going to clue her in and potentially blow up my AP's marriage if she decides to go bat shit crazy. There is no upside at all to telling her.

[Anonymous]

I cannot get over the fact that you have repeatedly expressed more concern for and loyalty to your AP than you have to your spouse. I seriously hope either your wife or your AP's husband finds out and blows this up on both sides. BTW, your reasons for not telling completely undermine your argument that your wife knows and so there is no need to discuss it with her. But everyone reading this thread has pegged you accurately that your real reason is that you are selfish and care only about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

I was forced in order to keep my dignity and self-respect. But if I hadn't found out, I would still have both my dignity and my family/friends/security/life.

It was your choice to interpret dignity and self-respect as something incompatible with staying post-adultery. Many women chose differently in your shoes, and it doesn't make them undignified or lacking in self-respect.