Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

guaranteed she knows. she was done with him years ago. and actually he's the one in denial...

Nope. I would never know these things and many women on that other thread indicated they didn’t know. This is your messaging but you don’t know this. I am a woman and wouldn’t know any many other women on the other thread didn’t know.

So if wives don’t know, it’s up to the cheater to let the wife know. Divorce is an option. Do the right thing.

And no matter how many times that is repeated here, it's still the the dumbest thing I could ever do. It defies the very definition of cheating. I know you'd like me to shout it from the roof top and out myself. If I get divorced, do you think my W should tell everyone she knows about her part in how this all started? That is just as likely as me telling about my affair. But keep repeating this nonsense if it makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's amazing how I felt when I first stepped out. Like..nothing. Not a bit of guilt, remorse, regret and certainly no loss of respect. I'd lost a lot of respect for my W but I don't feel that way anymore.

I hope karma gets you so good. Of course you did not feel guilt or regret, because you are a classic narcissist and it comes through so clear on everything you post that I bet every single person you know sees it and can’t stand you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Once your H cuts you off, I'll give you 2 years or less before you are banging pigs like me

A. My DH and I communicate and treat each other with respect, plus we take our vows seriously and have for 25 years, so
B. Neither of us will cut the other off, and
C. I have self-respect and need to live with myself, so I would ask for a divorce before ever cheating, and
D. I know better than to associate with narcissistic pigs.

New poster, you come across as really smug. That's great for you that your marriage is working and remains intimate after 25 years. Others aren't so lucky. And yes there is luck to some degree in having a long marriage survive happily unless you think all divorced people had it coming

My job is secure from Coronavirus and I have a lot of savings but I don't jump on boards of people struggling financially to tell them how wise I was to pick a career 25 years ago that can survive pandemics.

I’m not the original poster. She doesn’t sound smug to me. She sounds normal and says that there are mature ways of handling things. She also says that she wouldn’t cheat for her own self respect. Much to recommend her as a persons. Doing the right thing has nothing to do with your luck/circumstances and a lot to do with how you handle situations. The guys who are OK with cheating aren’t doing the right thing. It’s a character issue.

With respect, pontificating from high comes across as smug. She (and you) think you know what you would do in some hypothetical situation where intimacy dried up. So simple, have a conversation, and if that doesn't work out, divorce!

And if you have financial concerns? Mortgages that are tight in a good school district that means a divorce will require selling the house and moving to a lesser school? A special needs kid that requires an extra set of hands? One job that provides health insurance for the whole family? Suddenly "just divorce" isn't so simple (not that its simple under the best of circumstances). And until you have lived months, years without physical touch, you don't know what you are talking about. Sex and reproduction is on the top of the hierarchy of needs right beside food, air, water and shelter (and yes, I understand some people are asexual or low sexual and have no need for it).

And yes, I know there are some people who cheat for variety. My point is you have no idea what people are going through but feel free to sit on your perch from your happy 25 year married and throw stones if it makes you feel better. You are clearly morally superior to the rest of the people below you.

There but for the grace of God go ye.

Respectfully, I do know. Character comes through when you have to make tough decisions. It's about self-respect.

NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

guaranteed she knows. she was done with him years ago. and actually he's the one in denial...

Nope. I would never know these things and many women on that other thread indicated they didn’t know. This is your messaging but you don’t know this. I am a woman and wouldn’t know any many other women on the other thread didn’t know.

So if wives don’t know, it’s up to the cheater to let the wife know. Divorce is an option. Do the right thing.

And no matter how many times that is repeated here, it's still the the dumbest thing I could ever do. It defies the very definition of cheating. I know you'd like me to shout it from the roof top and out myself. If I get divorced, do you think my W should tell everyone she knows about her part in how this all started? That is just as likely as me telling about my affair. But keep repeating this nonsense if it makes you feel better.

You are a horrible narcissistic man. I wish your wife strength and happiness, hopefully not with you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

My AP loves her H and I love my W. Been cheating going on 2 years and we have it down. On some level I greatly dislike that she has such callous disregard for the situation but I don't take it out on her anymore. I'm a much happier man for once again having a good sex life. She has every reason to be suspicious, knowing I don't, or didn't accept our sexless marriage and knowing that there has been a big change in me for the better recently while at the same time, I've stopped discussing sex with her.now I'm convinced she doesn't want to know and accepts it.

I'm convinced you are a narcissistic pig.

Agreed. So much entitlement with this guy. Cheating is the only acceptable solution for him because it’s good for him. If you’re a jerk, I guess you never have to worry about doing the right thing. You know, why give women in your life any agency over their life path? Aren’t women put on earth just to please him? Just a super jerk.

She has "agency" over her life path. She has chosen her life path with no regard for our marriage. I'm not going to interfere any longer in her chosen path. She isn't losing anything in this arrangement. She doesn't want intimacy with me and I no longer bother her about it. It's all good, really. Who knows, maybe something will click in her head some day and the switch will be turned back on, the same as it got turned off and we will resume. I'm not counting on it, but I never saw this coming either so I guess it could happen. Meanwhile, I know you would wish a sexless life upon me that I would never wish on you. Or a blown up marriage. But I'll manage this how I see fit. I hope it never happens to you. Any of you.

My husband felt the same way (though our marriage still having sex 2-4 times per week 22 years in. After 3 years I just found out about his old almost 50-year old hag Ashley Madison whore with 2 teen sons. He's in a crappy AirBnB because I threw him out and he's spiraling out of control. He is in risk of losing EVERYTHING.

He also thought he could get away with it. Extremely callous and cocky like you. I have since found out everything. I told his mother, his only very close relative/like a brother (his cousin). All of our friends are mutual, most from me--neighborhood, etc. He is losing everyone around him. He will lose $, he will lose extended family (mine is very tight and does big Holidays). He will have nobody. Even his own mother and cousin are disgusted with him right now.

I have a great job. I am the one that has the great health benefits we use as a family. My greatest wish is that he ends up having to support that stay at home mom whore and then she goes out and f*cks somebody in their bed like she was doing with him.

When I finally get a name, I am going to make her world come crashing down too. This is the 2nd time she had an Ashley Madison affair with a married man with kids. Somebody needs to take her *ss down too.

So, buddy, you might think you are craftier than my husband. He is extremely intelligent, perfect SAT scores, high up in IT with own business and after 3 years he spiraled and I discovered on synced photo that was accidentally taken (one of those that you didn't actually take bu hit as you were doing something,) that he did not know about.

So I hope you rot in hell for doing this to your wife too. Health risks to her--stds and also safety risks...that woman's husband could find out and come after you, you could eventually snap and end up on your doorstep.. OR she could have a spouse like me that is going to make your life a living h*ll, tell your spouse, tell everyone about you...maybe even get a megaphone and drive up and down her block announcing she's a home-wrecking whore.

OK but you can't speak for the wife who DOESN'T have a good job or health insurance. It's great you can support yourself, but many cheated-upon spouses cannot, and maybe they'd rather not have their lives blown up.

[Anonymous]

^ read what she wrote. The wife (whose life she will blow up) was the cheater, the affair partner of her husband. It’s f@cking fantastic for her to blow up her life, along with her cheating husband’s-who she kicked out. Ashley Madison whore has no job and was doing this behind her own husband’s back and has teen kids. She should have thought about protecting her finances and status by not biting the hand that literally feeds her (her husband) or gotten a job if she was worried about losing everything if her husband found out.

I love this woman!! Strong, not a victim and holding both parties responsible, spouse and AP. She’s not just blaming his AP.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I haven't had sex in months, approaching a year. We need to sort out some things and maybe we can be intimate again. Maybe not

One thing that wouldn't surprise me is if my spouse cheated during the dry spell. It's sort of anticipated at some point, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Yes, and I've covered that several times now. I don't know what she knows but she would be pretty clueless (and she's not) to have not figured it out by now. She knows what she wants to know and chooses her own reality as I've chosen my best path for dealing with this. No need to be concerned about her. Throwing this in her face would not be a good thing. I'd rather let her live in her state of denial where she seems very content.

So very benevolent of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I haven't had sex in months, approaching a year. We need to sort out some things and maybe we can be intimate again. Maybe not

One thing that wouldn't surprise me is if my spouse cheated during the dry spell. It's sort of anticipated at some point, no?

Months, and even a year can happen. I tried my best to understand and hope she found her way back that first year, then second..
was years before I gave up trying and then more time before I decided t step out for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

[Anonymous]

NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Fake news. Probably posted by the same fool trying to justify stepping out on his wife and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

I really love how you consistently detail what other women think. It's so classically misogynist to be a man who is like, "no, I know what she's thinking". People on this thread are saying, "you never know what the woman is thinking until you tell her the info and she tells you with her own mouth what she thinks/wants." But, you keep insisting that you are the one that really knows what all sexless women are thinking and that if they're not thinking what you think they should be thinking, they're wrong and stupid.

Honestly, if I had a penny for every man like you who mansplained me what women are or should be thinking, I would be a freaking billionaire.

This is so true! It's plainly misogynistic to tell a woman what she should think. Can you imagine having someone like this as your supervisor at work or a mentor? He sucks and is an a-hole. I thought we left behind people like him but 1950's are clearly here to stay for some segment of the population.

Your argument is that somewhere exists a grown adult woman who is so incredibly stupid that she does not understand the most basic needs of a man? Like, gee I got a house full of plants, a cat, and this dog, but they all keep dying because nobody ever told me I need to give them water and food, clearly somebody else is to blame for my ignorance. And my new car worked great for 6 days, then I had to call an Uber because it stopped running: nobody ever told me I need to put gas in the tank. Such a fool clearly has no business ever owning pets, or tending a plant, driving a car, or getting married. Forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for your "victimized cheated upon" sexless woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ just divorce. Set your wife free.

I don't have her chained up. She is free to leave any time she likes. Or she can stay and deny her reality. Denial is working for her so far.

You're the one who's doing something she doesn't know about. She needs to know in order to make a decision. She might or might not divorce you.

Stop with this total nonsense! A sexless wife KNOWS that a healthy normal libido man (whom she rejects) absolutely 100% guaranteed take to the bank IS getting sex elsewhere. There are no secrets here, quit making stuff up. She's made her decision to stay married. End of story.

Thank you. I've tried to explain exactly that so many times in this thread.