Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Cheating PP, if you’re so convicted your wife knows what you’re up to, why would it blow up her life or blow up the marriage to get it out in the open? Both of you obviously have reasons to stay married, would it not be a relief to not have to pretend anymore?

=1. Cheater, you argue that any reasonably intelligent woman in the same circumstance as your wife would know her DH was cheating, so therefore your wife must know you are cheating. If that is true, why do you refuse to talk to her about it? I mean, she already knows and must not care so why not talk to her about it? You can just tell her when you are meeting up with the AP and not worry about sneaking around or lying.

Just how do you imagine this conversation? "Btw, I've outsourced my sex needs since you don't seem inclined to meet them"? Why? Millions of men and women have had this arrangement for thousands of years and it is the unspoken rule that you never ever discuss this. What would this accomplish? I mean it seems his wife has made it extremely clear she doesn't want to talk about their sex life.

[Anonymous]

PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

I was forced in order to keep my dignity and self-respect. But if I hadn't found out, I would still have both my dignity and my family/friends/security/life.

It was your choice to interpret dignity and self-respect as something incompatible with staying post-adultery. Many women chose differently in your shoes, and it doesn't make them undignified or lacking in self-respect.

oh stfu

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get over the fact that you have repeatedly expressed more concern for and loyalty to your AP than you have to your spouse. I seriously hope either your wife or your AP's husband finds out and blows this up on both sides. BTW, your reasons for not telling completely undermine your argument that your wife knows and so there is no need to discuss it with her. But everyone reading this thread has pegged you accurately that your real reason is that you are selfish and care only about yourself.

My concern for my W is mutually exclusive to my concern for my AP. I don't have more concern for her. But as in all affairs, I owe her discretion. Yes, I'm selfish for not being willing to go without sex because my wife decided, on her own, that our married sex life is over. But you are wrong that I only care about myself. I deeply care about everyone involved in this. That said, my reasons for not telling her, if that isn't obvious to you, then you really aren't very bright and I'm tired of trying to explain it. Seriously, WTF would I tell her? What possible good could come from that? I wouldn't have ever cheated in the first place if I had the slightest notion of just one day announcing it to her. That's not how this works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

I was forced in order to keep my dignity and self-respect. But if I hadn't found out, I would still have both my dignity and my family/friends/security/life.

It was your choice to interpret dignity and self-respect as something incompatible with staying post-adultery. Many women chose differently in your shoes, and it doesn't make them undignified or lacking in self-respect.

Women can really be horrible to each other. Beat her up some more, if it makes you feel good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP and a woman here. I think he did make a tough decision and I agree with it. I found out my DH was cheating, and now we're divorcing and I'm losing everything -- family, friends, house. It effing blows. I wish I hadn't found out and had my hand forced.

Your hand wasn't forced. You chose to divorce. Lots of people find out about adulteries and opt to stay. It's fine that you chose differently but you weren't forced.

I was forced in order to keep my dignity and self-respect. But if I hadn't found out, I would still have both my dignity and my family/friends/security/life.

It was your choice to interpret dignity and self-respect as something incompatible with staying post-adultery. Many women chose differently in your shoes, and it doesn't make them undignified or lacking in self-respect.

oh stfu

Indeed, STFU!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

[Anonymous]

Everything you say about your wife’s likely reaction and the likely consequences of your cheating contradicts the idea that she knows and doesn’t care.

If she knows and it’s a dealbreaker she’d already be divorcing you and potentially telling your family, AP’s family, etc.

If she knows and has decided to accept it, why would she do any of those things? She’s happy to be married and sexless, keeping up appearances just like you are, right?

[Anonymous]

To the guy cheating on his wife, why are you arguing with anonymous women who enjoy an active marital sex life? It's like arguing with a camel on the importance of regular hydration. You are wasting key strokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

I am not one of the women that have argued with you until now. I only have one question for you. I ask it without judgment or castigation, I only want your sincere prognosis.

What do you think would happen if your wife found out, either from you or in some other way? What do you think she would say or do?

[Anonymous]

Cheating PP, under what circumstances did your marriage become sexless? Did your wife just gradually lose interest in sex or... ?

And no, I’m not looking for a reason to blame you for her lack of interest (if she had a problem with you it was on her to address it in a mature way). Just trying to understand how these sexless marriages get to that point. Presumably she didn’t wake up one day and out of nowhere, announce that she was done with sex.

[Anonymous]

NP here, not the one you are arguing with but in a similar situation. My answer to the above two questions:

1) Marriage became sexless over time. We had a totally normal and great sexual relationship dating and pre-kids. Once kids came, it was basically duty sex only. We probably had two dozen discussions, she always said she knows its an issue, felt bad about it. Yes, tried toys, novelty, scheduling, etc. but she never regained interest. After a decade of this, i stopped initiating because it was clear she was just doing it to get it over with. While you may see that as a loving compromise, to be resigned to sex with an uninterested partner - who tells you to do it and get it over with - is soul crushing.

2) My wife has told me she doesn't want to know. It would surprise you but she and I are really quite happy and sometimes playful know. Does she suspect something? I am sure, she can't possibly believe I have gone from a high drive person to nothing. It's been a year since we have been intimate.

Sexual variety is nice and sex with AP is great but I would give it up if i could have a fun sexual experience with my wife. As my AP says, my wife could put her out of business tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

So the above PP who was having regular sex, albeit duty sex, with his wife, was eye opening to me.

I could have been your wife. I’m a married woman who’s lost pretty much all interest in sex over 15 years with my DH. It’s not his fault. I don’t reject him for sex - I love him and I understand sex is a required component of a marriage - but I have no real desire for sex anymore. Does that make it duty sex? I guess. But it IS an act of love for him. I do love him and I don’t resent that he wants sex. I don’t demand that he get it over with, but not do I put on a big porn star show about it.

What I do resent sometimes, is that like you, he always wants more. Not so much more frequency (like I said I don’t reject him), but more excitement, more passion, more of me initiating, more positions, toys... like he has unrealistic expectations of long-married sex and that whatever I do isn’t enough. Makes me wonder sometimes why I bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, not the one you are arguing with but in a similar situation. My answer to the above two questions:

1) Marriage became sexless over time. We had a totally normal and great sexual relationship dating and pre-kids. Once kids came, it was basically duty sex only. We probably had two dozen discussions, she always said she knows its an issue, felt bad about it. Yes, tried toys, novelty, scheduling, etc. but she never regained interest. After a decade of this, i stopped initiating because it was clear she was just doing it to get it over with. While you may see that as a loving compromise, to be resigned to sex with an uninterested partner - who tells you to do it and get it over with - is soul crushing.

2) My wife has told me she doesn't want to know. It would surprise you but she and I are really quite happy and sometimes playful know. Does she suspect something? I am sure, she can't possibly believe I have gone from a high drive person to nothing. It's been a year since we have been intimate.

Sexual variety is nice and sex with AP is great but I would give it up if i could have a fun sexual experience with my wife. As my AP says, my wife could put her out of business tomorrow.

PP - have you had one AP or several? Where are you finding them?