"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation. Married to a handsome successful surgeon. Have no butterflies. Have previously been in love. DH won me over with effort and charm. Once we had kids, the effort is gone. For now, he is a good guy and provider. Everyone seems to think he is amazing except for me. I have pity sex about once a month.

Don't feel bad pp. He's getting plenty on the side with nurses, or techs and reps

Cool- she will get even more in the divorce then. Win win

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Riiiiiiight. You had absolutely no idea that residents go on to become surgeons when they finish residency and were absolutely shocked when it happened and his income skyrocketed. It was a huge unexpected surprise.

I had plenty of successful suitors. I did not need to date a medical student. If I wanted to go for money, I had lots of other options. I married for love or so I thought. I fell for DH's charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Riiiiiiight. You had absolutely no idea that residents go on to become surgeons when they finish residency and were absolutely shocked when it happened and his income skyrocketed. It was a huge unexpected surprise.

I had plenty of successful suitors. I did not need to date a medical student. If I wanted to go for money, I had lots of other options. I married for love or so I thought. I fell for DH's charm.

Then tour situation was different. OP was never in love with her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

+1

I am married to a smart, 'kind of boring' smart successful man too. We were friends though (while I dated the whole planet in college) for 5 years before I even said yes to dating him.
Then, I did find that I loved him and we pretty much got married soon after.

Sometimes I was not sure that he loved or does love me. It has literally taken me all of these 25 years to really have some clue of his inner workings. Smart and successful
and boring do not mean uncomplicated. He seems uncomplicated because he's not very chatty and he's pretty easy going and he's nice - but he is not uncomplicated.
I was kind of a smart gal too, but more of a book smart and capable smart than an emotionally smart? You sound the opposite. It might be harder for you to understand.

It sounds like for you life has not 'hit the fan' yet. It will. Give it some time. You might find that you are the one who desperately wants him not to leave you in time.

I have found that my husband, though he is quiet and easy going, actually withholds affection when he doesn't like something. Yes, he continues to do the housework
and play with the kids and he comes home every day, but he's kind of ... tuned out on the love side. There is no connection when he is not happy. It is hard to even
notice that he is not happy because he would not TELL ME that. Of course that is wrong and crazy and difficult (and the next chickie who would sign up would get the
same thing) , but it took me a long time to figure that out. Have you tried getting to know him better? Find what really he is thinking and feeling? What makes him
happy and what makes him upset? How his life is going? That can be hard to do with such a man, but I would recommend it. I am
still amazed now when my husband comes up to me and tells me things that he thinks and feels, and what he wants. It's really weird that it took 20 years to tease that out,
but it is nice - and it does bring out the connection. I guess it makes him happy. It makes me happy too to finally have a communicating man (it really was like pulling teeth
to get to this stage). Do you have a communicating man or do you have a man that just is walking through life, meeting his obligations?

My 'smart' husband has so much to do and so little time to fit in all in with helping with the housework and being a great father, he does not often take time for
many social extras for himself - socializing at work, activities/hobbies for himself, etc. This is really selfless if you think about it. He really is busting his ass for you
and your family is the right way to think about it though. You are the one person that he does make time for? That is impressive. It doesn't seem like he has great desire for you - but
if you compare it to how he lives the rest of his life, you might see that it does?

For the sex thing, I have heard this from some of my friends who are more your age (I'm 13 years older than you). For me at my age - hey, I'm just glad I get some
good stuff some time (i am not complicated). You are probably wanting him to be pursuing you. You want him to want you crazily to feel needed, desired and provided for.
Have you tried the vulnerable thing? If you get back to the part about life hitting the fan - our lives are crazy and have hit the crapper plenty and there is definitely
some neediness on my part sometimes (shocking as I'm a tough, capable gal) and I have found that that brings out the passion in the guy. Huh! You might try that
one - even if it's role playing. Or, if it's not - go out and get more of a life for yourself and try that out. Just go and do some interesting things (not having an affair!),
go about your more interesting life and see how that works out? I would guess it would be a big plus.

Want an idea for something to produce a lot of emotions in you? Foster a damned dog. I don't care what they say about it being a 'great experience'. It's a
great experience, but it's crazy and you might find yourself sobbing for a week after passing off the pooch that just ate all of your garden & grandma's dining
room chair and peed in your car. Sometimes you have to find your emotions in other parts of your life.

You will find your lives more interesting when your kids hit the teen years too. My 'quiet' husband did not produce 'quiet' children and they are really giving us a run for the
money. I make sure he gets plenty of personal time with them (flee! Don't over protect the kids - get the heck out and leave them with him as much as you can) and
my 'quiet' husband gets so frustrated sometimes I find that I have an extra teen in the house at times. That has been entertaining (shhh). Also, as he is not the
best with the teens and needs a translator, I would not have missed that for the world for both parties sakes (teens and dad). It's freaking funny and my status definitely
goes up after 'teen time' (we are more of a team). Having the teens has brought out more in his personality and what he shares with me for sure.

Having a lot of friends (and not just to bitch about the husband. I'd stop that - especially with relations as it could get back to him? Men do not like that) helps too. When
my friends do talk about their relationships sometimes I am shocked at how truly messed up their lives are compared to mine and my relationship (and some of their divorces have been just
absolutely 100% awful).

Friends and outside activities of your own... And, above all - be kind to him.

You sound so interesting, PP. I was laughing and tearing up.

Thanks. My friends say the same - well, mostly they laugh
Husband is a hottie too (esp in that men get better with age thing )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: (esp in that men get better with age thing )

COMPLETE BULLSHIT

Sincerely,

All the unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied DCUM harpies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe he pretended to enjoy conversations with her because she was beautiful and brainy -- good genes to pass on to the children

Maybe they pretended the world was flat...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem for OP is the general lack of chemistry which is turning almost to repulsion. I don't know that she can pretend to feel differently year after year. Maybe she will try for a while until the children are older.

There s no "lack of chemistry." OP is a self-centered, frigid, deceptive greedy bitch who married her husband, knowing full well she didn't love him and was never physically attracted to him, for his money, social status of being a doctor, and his sperm. Now she wants "out" because she got what she married him for and doesn't want to just admiit that dumping his ass was always part of her master plan. Her real problem is that she has no better options. The reason there is no romance in her marriage is because she's not romantic. That's not why she married him. She married someone willing to put up with all her crap BECAUSE he was willing to do so and now she's mad because she got exactly what she bargained for. Sorry Scarlett OHara but its the end of the line for you. You can cheat your husband out of a happy marriage but you cant cheat father time. How many other high earning high status professionals are going to want a divorced with two brats, frigid, greedy psycho like you?

Good for you for speaking the truth.

[Anonymous]

Watch the movie "Take this Waltz". I'm actually divorced (starter marriage) but got divorced younger & when I had no kids. I was miserable living with someone I didn't really love. BUT also realize the world out beyond is not necessarily full of passion and love and lust ... it's often made up of self-involved jerks and guys who are terrible terrible terrible in bed. Married now to guy I do love & have 2 great kids - but there were lots of trade offs. (He is not a great provider & not as able to manage some basic life skills -- and I in turn work my ass off - but end of day, I do love him which does count for a whole lot.) Dating for a decade in between marriages was less than a picnic for the most part. The dating pool of 40+ yr old men is often men who are not married for good reason, serial cheaters, bad lovers, balding out of shapers, bad providers, etc. Anyway, watch the movie - romanticizing the shiny thing beyond your current life is often just a mirage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

It really sounds like you are just making excuses, OP. In my relationship, I'm the kind of person who wants to fix something and doesn't like whining/venting which sometimes my husband just needs to do. My husband and I both recognize it and we work with it. When my husband wants to vent about something he'll preempt the conversation and say he just wants me to listen and sympathize. I bite my tongue and curb my first instinct (to problem solve/fix). If I can't handle it or if he's not getting the validation that he needs, we both know that it's okay to suggest that he talk to his sister or someone else about this. What I'm trying to say is that we work with what we've got and we figure out how to still communicate and get what we need in a way that both of us can deal with.

You've gotten some good advice here and I don't hear you acknowledging it. Instead you find something else to complain about. You need a major attitude shift.

I think me are hardwired to try to provide "fixer" advice to problems than just listen. I've been in 5 significant relationships (multiple years) in my life -- every single one of them is like that. In my current relationship, I just say to my husband, I'm venting, I expect/want you to give advice here. I'd be careful to remember that a lot of your issues are not created by your husband. Despite how great it sounds to have a privileged life to many people - basically being a mom with young children is tiring and lonely no matter your situation. Most relationships don't have crazy passionate sex on a regular basis (or beyond the first 6 months anyway). You and DH may just have very different expectations. He may have a very different inner life than you recognize. You don't know (and will never really know). I would just caution against throwing away 'good' for a 'perfect' that probably doesn't exist - and remember that a lot of your problems are very normal for women with young children or have been in a relationship for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch the movie "Take this Waltz". I'm actually divorced (starter marriage) but got divorced younger & when I had no kids. I was miserable living with someone I didn't really love. BUT also realize the world out beyond is not necessarily full of passion and love and lust ... it's often made up of self-involved jerks and guys who are terrible terrible terrible in bed. Married now to guy I do love & have 2 great kids - but there were lots of trade offs. (He is not a great provider & not as able to manage some basic life skills -- and I in turn work my ass off - but end of day, I do love him which does count for a whole lot.) Dating for a decade in between marriages was less than a picnic for the most part. The dating pool of 40+ yr old men is often men who are not married for good reason, serial cheaters, bad lovers, balding out of shapers, bad providers, etc. Anyway, watch the movie - romanticizing the shiny thing beyond your current life is often just a mirage.

cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wwyd?

First his good points. My husband is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, good looking, and a great father. He's a physician who works long hours and is passionate about his patients and practice area but still helps out 50/50 when he is home. I wouldn't say he's funny exactly but he has a sense of humor and can laugh at other people's jokes and life's little absurdities, which I appreciate. He's a runner who keeps himself fit. I notice other women checking him out occasionally. I LOVE his family, especially his mother and sister. They were a big part of his appeal when we were dating.

But. I'm not in love with him. I never was. I knew this at the time that we got engaged but I let my mom and closest friend talk me into marrying him with the idea that I was just nervous and scared of the commitment and that love could eventually grow. I was 33 at the time. I do care about him a great deal. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. I don't want him to throw me down on the bed and screw my brains out (or maybe that is the problem: I do want him to do that, or someone anyway, but the thought horrifies him). I don't get butterflies with him and never have. It's getting to the point where I physically recoil from him. My skin actually flinches on the inside. I think he suspects something is up because he's acting like kicked puppy and I feel bad but that just makes it worse. I want him to scream at me and curse me not just take my abuse. I tried to explain that but he didn't get it. We have two children and I'm 39. I've talked to my mom and BFF about this and they both think divorcing him would be a huge mistake. I work and make significantly less which is one thing but they also feel that the dating pool is shallow for 40 something women with children. Do you think that is just a sexist stereotype?

The thing is, the thing that I keep coming back to, is: shouldn't I be head over heels for my husband? I have felt that way before in the past so I know what it feels like. I know people say the crazy burning love feeling eventually passes. But shouldn't it have been there at one point? Then at least I would have my memories. I am too young to feel this resigned and dead inside.

Come to the dark side. Join us on the explicit forum. You'll be accepted and I'll be waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

I don't you know what that word means. Did you learn it in wymen's studies? Or perhaps in social studies?

You realize it's supposed to be "womyn" right? Like the whole point is eliminating the word "men"

LOL. What a loser. Even when he tries to insult people, he fails so hard.

It's entertaining at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

I don't you know what that word means. Did you learn it in wymen's studies? Or perhaps in social studies?

You realize it's supposed to be "womyn" right? Like the whole point is eliminating the word "men"

lol you just outed yourself... sorry I don't know that man-haters are so concerned about spelling