Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.[/quote]

It really sounds like you are just making excuses, OP.  In my relationship, I'm the kind of person who wants to fix something and doesn't like whining/venting which sometimes my husband just needs to do.  My husband and I both recognize it and we work with it.  When my husband wants to vent about something he'll preempt the conversation and say he just wants me to listen and sympathize.  I bite my tongue and curb my first instinct (to problem solve/fix).  If I can't handle it or if he's not getting the validation that he needs, we both know that it's okay to suggest that he talk to his sister or someone else about this.   What I'm trying to say is that we work with what we've got and we figure out how to still communicate and get what we need in a way that both of us can deal with.

You've gotten some good advice here and I don't hear you acknowledging it.  Instead you find something else to complain about.  You need a major attitude shift.[/quote]

I think me are hardwired to try to provide "fixer" advice to problems than just listen.  I've been in 5 significant relationships (multiple years) in my life -- every single one of them is like that.  In my current relationship, I just say to my husband, I'm venting, I expect/want you to give advice here.   I'd be careful to remember that a lot of your issues are not created by your husband.  Despite how great it sounds to have a privileged life to many people - basically being a mom with young children is tiring and lonely no matter your situation.  Most relationships don't have crazy passionate sex on a regular basis (or beyond the first 6 months anyway).  You and DH may just have very different expectations.  He may have a very different inner life than you recognize.  You don't know (and will never really know).  I would just caution against throwing away 'good' for a 'perfect' that probably doesn't exist - and remember that a lot of your problems are very normal for women with young children or have been in a relationship for a while.  [/quote]

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