"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

I don't you know what that word means. Did you learn it in wymen's studies? Or perhaps in social studies?

You realize it's supposed to be "womyn" right? Like the whole point is eliminating the word "men"

lol you just outed yourself... sorry I don't know that man-haters are so concerned about spelling

Yep, I just outed myself as someone who has a basic grasp of spelling and the intent behind words. Oops, ya caught me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
cant help yourself, can you? you just have to point out all your husbands imagined flaws. the inference being yoh feel you settled but thats ok sinc eyou love him. most likely he settled for you not the other way around. look in the mirror with the.lights on next.time

Get off the thread dude. You are a bitter misogynistic nightmare.

I don't you know what that word means. Did you learn it in wymen's studies? Or perhaps in social studies?

You realize it's supposed to be "womyn" right? Like the whole point is eliminating the word "men"

lol you just outed yourself... sorry I don't know that man-haters are so concerned about spelling

Yep, I just outed myself as someone who has a basic grasp of spelling and the intent behind words. Oops, ya caught me.

Except for the fact that "womyn" isn't a real word. Come back to reality Dom.

[Anonymous]

^Still, is it really that hard to intuit the meaning of why they would change the word?

Especially since you seem so obsessed with feminists. You seem to be an expert on the subject

[Anonymous]

^The correct spelling is "femifister"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^The correct spelling is "femifister"

Obsessed with "fisting" too, are you?

Dude, you seriously need to get laid.

[Anonymous]

My parents met in 1963. They knew from their first conversation that it was fate and they'd be together forever. 50 years later and they are still madly in love with each other. Their marriage is JUST like the couple in The Notebook. It is an epic love story.

Pass me the trash can so I can vommit the koolaid I've been drinking all these years to keep their epic love story fantasy going. I wish they would divorce. I'm tired of hearing how how great and passionate their marriage is when it is obvious to outsiders that my mother bitterly resents her life choices and feels trapped and controlled by my father.

My point is that I used to think that butterflies and passion equaled being well treated...it does not always mean that. Don't undermine what you have...a marriage to a man who treats you well is far better than a marriage to a man who treats you like dirt but gives you butterflies.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there and 14 years later he cheated and lied and stole and like you I married him for his family and then discovered that they covered up his lies and discovered friends knew what he was doing and didn’t want to get involved. Like you I never had chemistry with him and never had the butterflies. Listen to your gut - please. Really do you think if he knew the extent of your aversion
That he would want you to stay with him? Everyone deserves to be happy including him. I stayed for so long with this manipulative man because I would question my thoughts on him and question the red flags - and would sometimes think it’s being selfish staying in this but I knew he was the type of guy that could never be alone so I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt him or his family.
And how would I be able to explain to his family. I see way to many couples that shouldn’t be together that just stay for convenience and truthfully maybe the people telling you to stay are in that boat and that’s why they are giving you that advice. I’m in my 50’s. Don’t you think I so regret wasting my 40’s on a man who clearly didn’t know what the word love even means. You are young seize the day. Also do you think it’s fair for your children to be around 2 people that don’t have true love for each other. The bitterness comes out - you won’t be able to stop it at times and they will see that. What I would give to have my 40’s back. I will leave you with this - my best friend used to tell me about her grandparents who were in their 90’s when they died and she settled for her husband. Always treated him poorly and pined after the man that had gotten away. Can you feel how sad that is to your very core? To spend all those years with the wrong man. I would never want to be that person and am grateful to my ex husband for cheating so I could escape him - well actually I’m grateful for the woman he cheated with because her decision to cheat on her husband and move forward with a life with him was what freed me!! I am now living my best life and my genuine life and have never been happier. Any day I would take the chance and excitement and possibility of meeting someone great over being in a fake life. You should set your husband free - in the long run he will probably thank you. Do not live the rest of your life with regret and what if’s. Also if he has really been a good guy and just not your guy then you should be able to have an amicable divorce which is another thing I wish I could have had. If you leave it as is who is to say one of you won’t cheat and lead to so much worse of a breakup. Stand out, don’t just be average and do what everyone else does in these situations. Be bold and courageous and fight for the happiness of yourself, your husband and your kids - trust me - decisions you think you are doing for the good of everyone can so backfire and end up hurting everyone - lastly would you ever want the shoe on the other foot and for someone to recoil from your touch - would you want that person to just stay in that false love because they might not be able to find anyone else - to basically settle for you? My best friends husband cheated on her when I was still married and I remember being envious that she was out dating and had the chance to find real love as I was in this loveless marriage. I used to think these things and then I would talk myself out of the obvious true feelings - don’t talk yourself out of things- anger and bitterness and sometimes hate are put on your heart for a reason - the universe, God, your instinct - however you want to label it is being put on your heart for a reason - do not shy away from the hard, painful things - they are there for a reason - I wish you good luck and you are brave for even putting it in writing - I didn’t even admit any of my feelings to any of my friends - I just stayed in the pain alone and looking back that’s the hardest part that I was too ashamed to voice my feelings to my closest allies because I knew they would hold me responsible to correct things and I was too weak to do the hard thing. It’s never too late - unless your 90 and die essentially alone with the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dating market for a 40+ year old woman with two kids is no picnic.

especially since OP is a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

This post is 6yrs old. PP start a new thread.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you have unreasonable expectations for a romantic life, like a fairy tale? You are married to a good man, good provider, good father - that seems more than enough. Most mature relationships are not “young love” - you may want to re-evaluate what is important in family life. Perhaps put some energy into building a relationship you wish for - more date nights, more effort to connect with him. I suspect your life will be far more difficult and unhappy as a divorced single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wwyd?

First his good points. My husband is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, good looking, and a great father. He's a physician who works long hours and is passionate about his patients and practice area but still helps out 50/50 when he is home. I wouldn't say he's funny exactly but he has a sense of humor and can laugh at other people's jokes and life's little absurdities, which I appreciate. He's a runner who keeps himself fit. I notice other women checking him out occasionally. I LOVE his family, especially his mother and sister. They were a big part of his appeal when we were dating.

But. I'm not in love with him. I never was. I knew this at the time that we got engaged but I let my mom and closest friend talk me into marrying him with the idea that I was just nervous and scared of the commitment and that love could eventually grow. I was 33 at the time.I do care about him a great deal. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. I don't want him to throw me down on the bed and screw my brains out (or maybe that is the problem: I do want him to do that, or someone anyway, but the thought horrifies him). I don't get butterflies with him and never have. It's getting to the point where I physically recoil from him. My skin actually flinches on the inside. I think he suspects something is up because he's acting like kicked puppy and I feel bad but that just makes it worse. I want him to scream at me and curse me not just take my abuse. I tried to explain that but he didn't get it. We have two children and I'm 39. I've talked to my mom and BFF about this and they both think divorcing him would be a huge mistake. I work and make significantly less which is one thing but they also feel that the dating pool is shallow for 40 something women with children. Do you think that is just a sexist stereotype?

The thing is, the thing that I keep coming back to, is: shouldn't I be head over heels for my husband? I have felt that way before in the past so I know what it feels like. I know people say the crazy burning love feeling eventually passes. But shouldn't it have been there at one point? Then at least I would have my memories. I am too young to feel this resigned and dead inside.

I was in the exact same spot as you at 31. Pressure to marry. He was never in love with me either. It was a bad marriage and then they convinced me to stay. In my case, there was no compromise, emotional abuse, divorce threats, complete lack of consideration, and other things that went wrong. He also never loved me really and I also looked “good on paper.” I felt like marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I was living a lie and got very depressed. At age 40, I decided to divorce. I was finally divorced at 42. I am much happier divorced. But I did not divorce to necessarily find someone else. I got divorced because I could not be married to him anymore and would rather be single forever than stay in that marriage. The dating pool is not shallow for early 40s women at all. But the relationship pool is shallow. Possible but harder. I do not intend to remarry so it does not bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Get divorced and find someone you love. Don't take your mom's advice twice - she was wrong the first time. You never should have married him.

I agree. I am the poster who was in the same shoes. I never should have married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree that you would be seriously stupid to throw this away. I also agree that it's not good to live without good, intimate sex. What about, gently, suggesting some kind of open relationship? I think one of the great tragedies in modern life is expecting our partner to be everything. It's very, very rare that along-term couple remains sexually attracted to each other, w/out some sort of outside intervention (sex therapist, consensual non-monogamy). And I don't think it's so unusual to marry someone you're not very sexually attracted to. In fact, I think it's the norm.

PP here: I suggested an open relationship. He said no. We divorced. A lot of men are not okay with this suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



This is ridiculous. Get divorced and find someone you love. Don't take your mom's advice twice - she was wrong the first time. You never should have married him.

She took her vows.

So what! People make mistakes. It is not good or honorable to suffer and be miserable in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make an account on a dating site and spend an hour or two looking at the possibilities. Honestly, you will realize how amazing your husband is in comparison.

This was not my experience and my ex was an attorney.