Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??[/quote]

You said he can sense something is wrong.  If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there.  He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy?  I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.[/quote]

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.[/quote]

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.[/quote]

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.[/quote]

LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?[/quote]

I am married to a smart, 'kind of boring' smart successful man too. We were friends though (while I dated the whole planet in college) for 5  years before I even said yes to dating him.
Then, I did find that I loved him and we pretty much got married soon after.

Sometimes I was not sure that he loved or does love me. It has literally taken me all of these 25 years to really have some clue of his inner workings. Smart and successful
and boring do not mean uncomplicated. He seems uncomplicated because he's not very chatty and he's pretty easy going and he's nice -  but he is not uncomplicated. 
I was kind of a smart gal too, but more of a book smart and capable smart than an emotionally smart? You sound the opposite. It might be harder for you to understand.

It sounds like for you life has not 'hit the fan' yet. It will. Give it some time. You might find that you are the one who desperately wants him not to leave you in time.

I have found that my husband, though he is quiet and easy going, actually withholds affection when he doesn't like something. Yes, he continues to do the housework
and play with the kids and he comes home every day, but he's kind of ... tuned out on the love side. There is no connection when he is not happy. It is hard to even
notice that he is not happy because he would not TELL ME that. Of course that is wrong and crazy and difficult (and the next chickie who would sign up would get the 
same thing) , but it took me a long time to figure that out. Have you tried getting to know him better?  Find what really he is thinking and feeling? What makes him 
happy and what makes him upset? How his life is going? That can be hard to do with such a man, but I would recommend it. I am
still amazed now when my husband comes up to me and tells me things that he thinks and feels, and what he wants. It's really weird that it took 20 years to tease that out,
but it is nice - and it does bring out the connection. I guess it makes him happy. It makes me happy too to finally have a communicating man (it really was like pulling teeth
to get to this stage). Do you have a communicating man or do you have a man that just is walking through life, meeting his obligations?

My 'smart' husband has so much to do and so little time to fit in all in with helping with the housework and being a great father, he does not often take time for
many social extras for himself - socializing at work, activities/hobbies for himself, etc. This is really selfless if you think about it. He really is busting his ass for you
and your family is the right way to think about it though. You are the one person that he does make time for? That is impressive. It doesn't seem like he has great desire for you - but
if you compare it to how he lives the rest of his life, you might see that it does?

For the sex thing, I have heard this from some of my friends who are more your age (I'm 13 years older than you). For me at my age - hey, I'm just glad I get some
good stuff some time (i am not complicated). You are probably wanting him to be pursuing you. You want him to want you crazily to feel needed, desired and provided for.
Have you tried the vulnerable thing? If you get back to the part about life hitting the fan - our lives are crazy and have hit the crapper plenty and there is definitely
some neediness on my part sometimes (shocking as I'm a tough, capable gal) and I have found that that brings out the passion in the guy. Huh! You might try that 
one - even if it's role playing. Or, if it's not - go out and get more of a life for yourself and try that out. Just go and do some interesting things (not having an affair!), 
go about your more interesting life and see how that works out? I would guess it would be a big plus.

Want an idea for something to produce a lot of emotions in you? Foster a damned dog. I don't care what they say about it being a 'great experience'. It's a
great experience, but it's crazy and you might find yourself sobbing for a week after passing off the pooch that just ate all of your garden & grandma's dining
room chair and peed in your car. Sometimes you have to find your emotions in other parts of your life.

You will find your lives more interesting when your kids hit the teen years too. My 'quiet' husband did not produce 'quiet' children and they are really giving us a run for the
money. I make sure he gets plenty of personal time with them (flee! Don't over protect the kids - get the heck out and leave them with him as much as you can) and
my 'quiet' husband gets so frustrated sometimes I find that I have an extra teen in the house at times. That has been entertaining (shhh). Also, as he is not the
best with the teens and needs a translator, I would not have missed that for the world for both parties sakes (teens and dad). It's freaking funny and my status definitely
goes up after 'teen time' (we are more of a team). Having the teens has brought out more in his personality and what he shares with me for sure.

Having a lot of friends (and not just to bitch about the husband. I'd stop that - especially with relations as it could get back to him? Men do not like that) helps too. When 
my friends do talk about their relationships sometimes I am shocked at how truly messed up their lives are compared to mine and my relationship (and some of their divorces have been just
absolutely 100% awful).

Friends and outside activities of your own... And, above all - be kind to him.

[/quote]

You sound so interesting, PP. I was laughing and tearing up. [/quote]

Thanks. My friends say the same - well, mostly they laugh
Husband is a hottie too (esp in that men get better with age thing )[/quote]

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