I went to visit a swingers club for the first time. AMA

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Glad you had fun OP! I'm in my 30s and my husband and I have been doing the swinger/ENM thing for a few years now. FWIW the club scene was thrilling at first but the novelty of screwing strangers wore off quickly after a while. We have much preferred being part of an ENM community that we found through Feeld. You may find a similar community through the couples you met, but if not, I'd encourage you to look for it if it turns out that non-monogamy is your thing but anonymous sex isn't.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I am not sure where this journey is leading us, but I do imagine that over time going out to clubs will get tiring, just like when you're in your 20s and you tire of the regular club scene. I don't know that I'll ever be an anonymous sex gal, but we shall see. I would love for you to do an AMA on ENM. I feel like that is a step or 10 further than where Hubs and I are and I would like to learn more. BUT, I have no desire for multiple relationships/partners other than FOB. That sounds so exhausting.

We are still figuring out our boundaries with ENM, so not sure I'm ready to do an AMA on it. But that said, I use the term "ENM" intentionally because we are not polyamorous. We also have no desire for multiple relationships (at least at this point in our lives with big careers and little kids) - no time and we don't find the intro parts of dating to be all that enjoyable. Instead, we have developed this group of friends that regularly host parties at each others' homes. Sometimes they are larger with everyone, sometimes we organize smaller groups of 4 to 10 people. We've even met some single women through the group and had some enjoyable threesomes. The difficult part is that I, as a bisexual woman, get a lot more attention than my husband, a straight man. I have made some individual connections that I'd be interested in pursuing as FWBs, and even had a couple solo dates, but ultimately my husband has decided that he's not comfortable with me doing that regularly. I'm ok with that because my marriage is hands down the most important thing in my life, but it does result in some sexual frustration/disappointment on my part. But it's well worth it in the end - we've not only had amazing sexual experiences from this, but have made great friends too.

Thanks for the thoughtful response. That sounds lovely, and like how I would envision an ideal situation (minus the bi for me part).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman with a high sex drive and I've always had good sexual relationships but I just can't get over the idea that there is something dysfunctional about this. Or unhealthy, but not in a physical way, more in a mental or emotional way.

Maybe once or twice, sure, but going on a regular basis seems deeply dysfunctional and I feel sorry for people who live their lives that way.

There is something pathetic about it. Like we all have fantasies and sure think about people watching us have sex etc. but to spend your Saturday nights standing around a bar and talking to strangers with your boobs hanging out, and then having your husband bang other women with you there, is just gross. I'm sorry I try not to be judgmental but I honestly think this is not the kind of perversion that's actually good for people.

Find me a couple that actually has a good relationship and a good sex life that does this on a regular basis over the years. Just don't think it happens.

I think you are right if the scenario is that the woman does this but isn’t that into it. The way OP described this club being for the benefit of the men mainly made me feel that way. But I think there are probably ways to be non-monogamous that are fun for all!

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OP strikes me as insecure and seeking validation and attention in a lot of different spaces.

You strike me as a woman that hates hot, sexy women

Hm, sure, you may think I am fat and ugly, if that makes you feel better. I am attractive. I just find OP (it is you?) super cringe in her telling of her night in a sex club. 🥱

That wasn't me that posted that. I have no opinion about your thoughts on hot, sexy women, but I do think that you are spending a lot of time on a thread that you think is cringey. So, you may be slightly interested? It's actually romantic.

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Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Performing femininity, or actually feminine? I am generally a feminine woman. I mean, today I'm in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but if I leave the house, I'm generally in feminine presenting clothing. Would you have this same thought if I told you that I was wearing a dress and heels to work, which I do?

There were women there in longer dresses, jeans and a sweater, and other items that didn't show of their bodies. I don't think anyone would bat an eye if a woman showed up in a more neutral outfit. I chose to show up in a short dress.

But were any of the men showing skin or were they just standing around on the dance floor in khakis watching the “ladies” dance with their boobs out?

They were in their slacks. Most women did not have their boobs out- they were wearing club-y dresses, boobs tucked in. Of 60 people on the dance floor, maybe 4 women had their boobs out?

Would you want a bunch of guys with no pants hanging around? No judgement from me, but if that was your thing, I'm sure you could find a club that has more that type of vibe!

I don't necessarily want men with no pants on, but I most definitely do not want an atmosphere where women are there to be sexy and gawked at while men stand around in their "slacks."

I guess my question to you is- what do you define as sexy for a man? When I close my eyes and picture a sexy man he is typically wearing a well cut dark suit, a tight shirt that shows off his muscles, and nice shoes. So, for me, a bunch of well dressed men aren't a problem. I would probably be a bit uncomfortable if I walked in and all the guys were wearing just jock straps

You're not quite getting it. Yes that does sound nice (albeit not what you described) but the issue is that this club seems entirely designed for the, sorry to be hackneyed, "male gaze." That is not sexy to me in the slightest.

A significant percentage of the women in the community are bi-sexual so it's not just men who are looking. It doesn't sound like this atmosphere would be for you regardless of people's attire.

How many of the men were actually hot? Like, tall, buff, well dressed and groomed? The description sounds like the women are mostly attractive and the men all look like Bill Gates or something worse. Maybe that's where my mind goes with "slacks".

This is likely the last attractiveness post I will answer. It is just like anywhere else. There are good looking people that you find attractive, and people that you do not. I don't know what your idea of attractive is- so my percentage may be different from yours. There were a lot of good looking (to me) people there. Men and women.

Why is everyone so upset about the word slacks? I can say pants, but at this point I'll stick with slacks. Seems like a fun little button to push.

OP the more you post the more I think you have a dominatrix inside of you that wants to be let loose think about it!

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Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

This is confusing. Didn’t you just say your husband was straight ? Or it’s a different poster ?
OP - are you both straight ?

I am not the topic starter. I am the one who got dissapointed in group meetings. I am F straight, my partner M bi.

In your experience, men who enjoy both types of threesomes MFM and FMF - are they more commonly bisexual ? I can’t imagine being ok watching my partner having sex with someone else unless I was getting engaged with that 3rd person, too

I have never done FMF as I am as straight as can be. My partner is bisexual and I knew that from when we just began dating (15 years ago.) With 2 men there is no watching, you always participate. At least in my experience. I never feel left out.

A FMF is with straight women. A FFM is bi women. The positions of the letters matter. MFM is 2 guys pleasing the woman, MMF is a guy and a woman pleasing the other guy.

Regardless if it's MFM or MMF I get a lot of attention. Its all about me (F) + I am the one who write the scenarios of what I want to do and where we meet. I dress up and I got to live out my promiscious side (in real life me and my partner are suburban parents with demanding carreers.)

That's hot. I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im curious do you guys have kids? That's one thing that has always not made sense to me is the people who do this that have children. If you dont have kids do whatever you want, but with kids it seems like a questionable decision.

Yes, we have kids. But, we are more than parents. I didn't lose my identity when I became a parent, and they have no idea what we do when they're not around. We also don't share our IRA balances, concerns about our parent's health, or details about work with our kids. All parents have a multitude that they keep to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you said ages ranged from people in their 20s to ~60. Were people mostly interacting with others of similar ages? Are 20-somethings having sex with 50-somethings?

Do people interact or have sex with others with a similar level of attractiveness? (Like cliquey groups in college?)

Honestly, I wasn't really paying a lot of attention to the looks/ages of who was hooking up. I think there was a range, and it was clear that when big groups formed, they were of people who had developed relationships (or looked like they knew each other!). But, we had no problem talking to people. We sat on a sofa to observe at one point, and another couple came and sat near us, and we just started chatting. It was completely natural and normal.

I think if you were respectful, and thoughtful about how you approached a couple or single, you would likely at least be able to engage people in conversation. Think opening with 'Hi, I'm _____, this is my first time here.' and not 'Your boobs are gorgeous, want to F?'

I promise you, it's a way more normal party type environment then you would ever picture in your head. People are generally laid back, and they're more in their own heads than thinking about you unless you do something to put yourself on their radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous. I’d love to go to one but my SO would freak out.

You'd be surprised. Start having conversations about fantasies, and see where things go. It may never go there, but you won't know until you unlock those conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all 13 pages of replies but how did attending this impact the sex you presumably had when you hit home?

We attended one time in the last month, and we didn't play with anyone else. We have had sex at least once a day since our little trip to the club. Sometimes one of us will wake the other up in the middle of the night and we have another go.

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Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you sharing, OP. And I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. From my perspective, it just sounds sad and empty (which I realize is a me issue). Did you worry about being recognized? And what was the cost financially?

I think this really depends on your personality. I’m an extrovert who has an exhibitionist streak. For me, going somewhere that I can dance with Hubs and talk to new people with my boobs out is heaven.

I didn’t worry about being recognized. I’m not a public figure so I assume that these people have no idea who I am. I will not see most of them again. If I do see them again, I assume that they have just as much interest in discretion as I do.

A monthly membership fee was about $30 and our entry for the night was about $50. We brought our own alcohol with us and they provide all mixers. We tipped the bartenders and attendants. So all in for about $110.

Gross. This is a low bar for entry. The “Membership Fee” is so low it serves no screening function and the cost for the evening is less than a few items at Whole Foods or Giant. At those prices you can be sure they aren’t washing the linens more than once a month and the “mixers” come from Costco. This doesn’t sound sexy it sounds cheap and tawdry.

“The linens”? Girl.

She said what she said. If there are no linens how could you? I’m picturing a mattress with a pillow on it and I just can’t 😖

There are linens on the beds. No blankets, but the rooms for sure have sheets, and some have pillows. There are attendants that make the rooms up between uses.

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Anonymous wrote:It's so sad there's so much kink-shaming. At lot of you people in sex-starved, lonely marriages should look within and consider why you have so much shame and guilt over something so human

Because it's stupid. I heard of a couple that the wife was attractive and they decided to date others while married. So the woman ended up falling for the guy and divorced and now they're fighting for child custody. Humans are meant to be monogamous or have a sense of exclusivity to stay together long-term. I mean would you kiss your wife or husband after their tongue was in someone's butt? If you say yes then you probably are as likely to step out as they are.

Are you sure about that? History seems to tell a different story if you look at the divorce rate.

Depends on the butt.

I wouldn’t kiss any guy if I think his tongue is in someone’s butt. Other women are five watching their spouse f..k another woman in the b..t.
But the divorce rate tells you that probably most people are not okay with their spouse sleeping with other people. I was dating someone poly and he was very upfront about need for 3somes. I couldn’t make myself do that. Most people just physically can’t stomach polyamory even if they think three is no moral issue there. It’s biological intolerance to me

You know, you don't have to f anyone in the butt unless you want to. It's not a rule that you have to enjoy anal stuff to go to a club. You also don't have to date poly people, or have threesomes. That is the beauty of the spectrum of human sexuality.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

I must have done a disservice in my early descriptions. I didn't feel like the club was meat market at all. The men that were there were clean and well dressed. I never felt objectified or that I was a product that the club was selling. I felt in control, I had full agency, and I was completely safe the entire time. I am a feminist with a high powered career and no humiliation kinks- so I would have dipped out in a heartbeat if I didn't feel safe and respected. I didn't feel 'gawked at', I felt appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of these things that is hotter as a fantasy than in real life. And it is not advantageous to men. Unless you are the kind of guy that women are attracted to in bars, the female is going to get a lot more attention. It's evolutionary psychology. The most average woman is going to get tons of attention.

This seems like how a bro-podcaster would approach the topic. "Well, if it's not sexually advantageous to the man, then it's bad or less" Also, using 'the female' instead of 'woman' or 'wife' or 'partner' is another tell.

What about rejecting that paradigm? How about opening your mind to the idea that you can derive pleasure from your partner being pleased? And what if that pleasure for your partner is a sensual massage or something that gives 'no advantage' to you?

My husband gets so much pleasure from my pleasure. That is ridiculously hot.

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Anonymous wrote:- People were as attractive as the average population. There were some smoking hot young people, and some older or bigger people, the women generally dress to impress.

- There were more women then men there. At the club we went to, the woman holds the membership, and can bring a male guest. Only a handful of single men are allowed on any given night, so there were for sure more women than men there.

- For demographics, we hit it off with a couple of couples, both were similar in age to us (40s) and professionals.

More men than women? So, what about the women who don't find partners? That doesn't seem fair.

There were more women than men. If a woman wanted a partner, she would have had no issues finding one. In the lifestyle community a single woman looking for people to swing with is called a unicorn. She's a unicorn for a reason, she's rare.

I would love to be a third for a committed attractive couple, preferably married. No interest in building relationships but want great sex. So I’m supposedly a unicorn.
Unfortunately I’m very bacteria phobic and could never cross the line for threesomes. Would hate constantly changing partners, couples or not.

+1 on the bacteria phobic. I love sex and I judge nobody for having multiple partners but there are plenty of stds you can get with condom use and some of them permanent. Just not worth the risk for me. I won’t sleep with anyone without a full std test for both of us-period.

What stds can you get with condoms?

How are you an adult and you don’t know this? Herpes, Syphillis, HPV (both the ones that causes genital warts and the ones that don’t) and MC. Also some of the newer lesser known Mycoplasmas and related.

What’s MC?

Molluscum Contagiosm. Adult transmission is through sexual contact and it lasts for a long time-in some cases years and is extremely contagious. It’s not harmful-just annoying and unsightly.

Yakis so disgusting. I’ve seen these “bumps” on some porn actors in movies and was wondering what it was. I know now.

Apparently there is simply no way to stay safe from STDs with multiple partners!

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Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Performing femininity, or actually feminine? I am generally a feminine woman. I mean, today I'm in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but if I leave the house, I'm generally in feminine presenting clothing. Would you have this same thought if I told you that I was wearing a dress and heels to work, which I do?

There were women there in longer dresses, jeans and a sweater, and other items that didn't show of their bodies. I don't think anyone would bat an eye if a woman showed up in a more neutral outfit. I chose to show up in a short dress.

But were any of the men showing skin or were they just standing around on the dance floor in khakis watching the “ladies” dance with their boobs out?

They were in their slacks. Most women did not have their boobs out- they were wearing club-y dresses, boobs tucked in. Of 60 people on the dance floor, maybe 4 women had their boobs out?

Would you want a bunch of guys with no pants hanging around? No judgement from me, but if that was your thing, I'm sure you could find a club that has more that type of vibe!

I don't necessarily want men with no pants on, but I most definitely do not want an atmosphere where women are there to be sexy and gawked at while men stand around in their "slacks."

I guess my question to you is- what do you define as sexy for a man? When I close my eyes and picture a sexy man he is typically wearing a well cut dark suit, a tight shirt that shows off his muscles, and nice shoes. So, for me, a bunch of well dressed men aren't a problem. I would probably be a bit uncomfortable if I walked in and all the guys were wearing just jock straps

You're not quite getting it. Yes that does sound nice (albeit not what you described) but the issue is that this club seems entirely designed for the, sorry to be hackneyed, "male gaze." That is not sexy to me in the slightest.

A significant percentage of the women in the community are bi-sexual so it's not just men who are looking. It doesn't sound like this atmosphere would be for you regardless of people's attire.

How many of the men were actually hot? Like, tall, buff, well dressed and groomed? The description sounds like the women are mostly attractive and the men all look like Bill Gates or something worse. Maybe that's where my mind goes with "slacks".

This is likely the last attractiveness post I will answer. It is just like anywhere else. There are good looking people that you find attractive, and people that you do not. I don't know what your idea of attractive is- so my percentage may be different from yours. There were a lot of good looking (to me) people there. Men and women.

Why is everyone so upset about the word slacks? I can say pants, but at this point I'll stick with slacks. Seems like a fun little button to push.

I'm a guilty party on the "slacks" front. I don't have any beef with use of the word. But then someone else seemed riled up about it, and it's an inherently funny word. So I used it as a punchline a couple of times in the discourse.