I went to visit a swingers club for the first time. AMA

[Anonymous]

I personally think this is where all relationships and marriages go to die. This is where couples go when they're bored, frustrated, or no longer excited with each other so need to bang strangers to be hot for each other.

It's sadly what couples do when they are in their pre-divorce stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

I must have done a disservice in my early descriptions. I didn't feel like the club was meat market at all. The men that were there were clean and well dressed. I never felt objectified or that I was a product that the club was selling. I felt in control, I had full agency, and I was completely safe the entire time. I am a feminist with a high powered career and no humiliation kinks- so I would have dipped out in a heartbeat if I didn't feel safe and respected. I didn't feel 'gawked at', I felt appreciated.

Look, just because I am saying it was very heteronormative and therefore unappealing to me does not mean you cannot enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of these things that is hotter as a fantasy than in real life. And it is not advantageous to men. Unless you are the kind of guy that women are attracted to in bars, the female is going to get a lot more attention. It's evolutionary psychology. The most average woman is going to get tons of attention.

This seems like how a bro-podcaster would approach the topic. "Well, if it's not sexually advantageous to the man, then it's bad or less" Also, using 'the female' instead of 'woman' or 'wife' or 'partner' is another tell.

What about rejecting that paradigm? How about opening your mind to the idea that you can derive pleasure from your partner being pleased? And what if that pleasure for your partner is a sensual massage or something that gives 'no advantage' to you?

My husband gets so much pleasure from my pleasure. That is ridiculously hot.

Agreee!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad there's so much kink-shaming. At lot of you people in sex-starved, lonely marriages should look within and consider why you have so much shame and guilt over something so human

There is absolutely nothing natural about watching your partner engage in intimacy with another person.

That is merely your closed-minded opinion.

And this phenomenon is so prevalent throughout history, there are even names specific coined for it: cuckquean (for women who prefer to share their husbands) and cuckhold (for men who desire to share their wives with other men).

Simply acknowledging the existence of this phenomenon doesn’t signal your approval or interest.

+1.

And there is an exhibitionism element to this as well. It’s not necessarily about humiliation for many. It may also involve sub/dom elements.

Like much of human sexuality: it’s complicated.

It is historically well-established however.

[Anonymous]

Did you see puff daddy there?

[Anonymous]

This thread and OP reminds me of timeshare sales people . First they tell you it’s great, then you discover a lot of shitty stuff hidden

[Anonymous]

And cameras^

[Anonymous]

We did this a couple of times many years ago before we had kids. The first time we kept to ourselves in a group room. Many couples were like us but plenty were body hopping. I didn’t see any MM or FF. The second time we were far more active and while it was pretty mind blowing neither of us could get over seeing the other with others. Neither of us did anything with the same sex. Now we are just happily monogamous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im curious do you guys have kids? That's one thing that has always not made sense to me is the people who do this that have children. If you dont have kids do whatever you want, but with kids it seems like a questionable decision.

Yes, we have kids. But, we are more than parents. I didn't lose my identity when I became a parent, and they have no idea what we do when they're not around. We also don't share our IRA balances, concerns about our parent's health, or details about work with our kids. All parents have a multitude that they keep to themselves.

Hmm that must be a white people thing. Asians usually share more information with their kids. All of my asian friends know their parents salaries, retirement account balances, parents and grandparents medical history, medications they are taking. White people have a very different sense of privacy and independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im curious do you guys have kids? That's one thing that has always not made sense to me is the people who do this that have children. If you dont have kids do whatever you want, but with kids it seems like a questionable decision.

Yes, we have kids. But, we are more than parents. I didn't lose my identity when I became a parent, and they have no idea what we do when they're not around. We also don't share our IRA balances, concerns about our parent's health, or details about work with our kids. All parents have a multitude that they keep to themselves.

Hmm that must be a white people thing. Asians usually share more information with their kids. All of my asian friends know their parents salaries, retirement account balances, parents and grandparents medical history, medications they are taking. White people have a very different sense of privacy and independence.

Anglo/germanic/western euros. Please don’t lump all of us with them. Watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding…

[Anonymous]

Did you see any sign of kink, such as dominatrix, sub/dom, or anything like BDSM? It seems obvious the most common kink at such a club would be exhibitionism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you see any sign of kink, such as dominatrix, sub/dom, or anything like BDSM? It seems obvious the most common kink at such a club would be exhibitionism.

In my two experiences I saw nothing like that. Some of the couples were very athletic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad there's so much kink-shaming. At lot of you people in sex-starved, lonely marriages should look within and consider why you have so much shame and guilt over something so human

There is absolutely nothing natural about watching your partner engage in intimacy with another person.

You know what else isn't natural? Slacks.

Someone is dwelling on Brick Tamland from Anchorman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im curious do you guys have kids? That's one thing that has always not made sense to me is the people who do this that have children. If you dont have kids do whatever you want, but with kids it seems like a questionable decision.

Yes, we have kids. But, we are more than parents. I didn't lose my identity when I became a parent, and they have no idea what we do when they're not around. We also don't share our IRA balances, concerns about our parent's health, or details about work with our kids. All parents have a multitude that they keep to themselves.

Hmm that must be a white people thing. Asians usually share more information with their kids. All of my asian friends know their parents salaries, retirement account balances, parents and grandparents medical history, medications they are taking. White people have a very different sense of privacy and independence.

Yes but even among Asian families, there is usually a sense of privacy on certain topics, like the parents' sex life. And considering the topic at hand, I am pretty sure your friends, Asian or not, probably don't share their sex life details with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im curious do you guys have kids? That's one thing that has always not made sense to me is the people who do this that have children. If you dont have kids do whatever you want, but with kids it seems like a questionable decision.

Yes, we have kids. But, we are more than parents. I didn't lose my identity when I became a parent, and they have no idea what we do when they're not around. We also don't share our IRA balances, concerns about our parent's health, or details about work with our kids. All parents have a multitude that they keep to themselves.

Hmm that must be a white people thing. Asians usually share more information with their kids. All of my asian friends know their parents salaries, retirement account balances, parents and grandparents medical history, medications they are taking. White people have a very different sense of privacy and independence.

NP.

Since you brought up the whole “privacy” thing in this thread (and, the thread is really about OP’s visit to this particular club), one thing has really been bothering me about it. The OP said in like 2 responses, that the club had these private rooms where a couple could do “it,” but then the room had a window, so (if I’m understanding her), others could watch?

Is that really how it was?? And how is that in any way attractive to anyone??? What do they get out of it?

Maybe OP or somebody else can respond to this.