Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:News flash you moms of younger kids. It really never gets easier. This is what my mom, who has four kids in their 30s and 40s, tells me.

News flash you older moms. The vast majority of people don't want unsolicited advice or opinions, especially from strangers. This is what my mom, who is the oldest of five children and has three children in their 30s and 40s--and who is a trained facilitator who teaches different personality groups how to work together in professional environments--taught me about manners and social interactions.

So your mom is an older woman who gives advice to other people. And you are citing her as a valid reference. Interesting.

You tried, it. She gives advice to me, her daughter, when I was a minor child, and now when I *ask* when I'm an adult. She also is *hired and paid* as a *professional* to give her *professional advice* to *clients.* You tried!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

I mean, it's literally both a judgement and unsolicited advice. You can argue over whether people should care, but it's a directive to feel a certain way about motherhood in the moment.

Sometimes I think the main problem with communication is that a lot of people just say stuff to say stuff and they don't actually think what anything means or how it will be received. Like maybe people are saying "cherish these moments" just because then they have a go-to thing to say to moms of young kids? That's why people are so upset at being told it's unwelcome -- they put zero thought into it anyway and are just using it as conversation filler. Like when someone is grieving and people say "let me know if there's anything I can do" but a lot of people don't mean it at all. It's just what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

NP. Have you not kept up with the fact that more people than OP have been sharing anecdotes, and in some cases, people are indeed saying things to new moms, like:
"Just you wait..."
"You think you have it hard now..."
"Little kids, little problems"
"Try having a teenager"

Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

But the post is about “cherish these moments” not what you are referring to.

No one has actually said to her the things she claims, she’s just mad at life and looking for something to vent about. Strangers are not walking around telling women “you think this is hard????? Just you wait!!!!” in a menacing tone. It’s just not happening.

It actually does! I’ve had women joke “wait till he is a teenager!” when my kid was crying in target. I’m sure she meant it light heartedly. But it didn’t hit right , and just made me think “so it never gets easier?!” I actually cried when I got back to my car. People just need to think before they speak sometimes that’s all.

My heart goes out to you. I had a "crying in the Target parking lot" moment with my baby too.

To the PP who is being rude to you: guess what, moms of babies actually are fragile in ways they can't help. One reason they wind up crying in parking lots is because they are often on hormonal roller coasters that make them very susceptible to emotional triggers. Through no fault of their own, it's just what their bodies are doing. So when you are rude to people who recently gave birth, it's like kicking someone in a cast.

It's amazing how even with people talking more about PPD and PPA, everyone still forgets that new moms are going through a massive hormonal and emotional ordeal. Yes, some moms don't feel it as acutely. But some do. I cried all the time for the first 4 months of my kids life. It's not because I was weak, it's because that was my body's response to a lot of stuff.

AMEN! I remember one time feeling very proud of myself for taking my infant daughter with me to run some errands when I was finally able to drive and move about freely after a C-section; I was finally at a place where I could try BF in public with a cover. A mom came up to chat with me at the library and when she complimented my daughter, I thanked her and said I was nervous but glad because this was our first time out and about. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "You've got to get out there, can't stay locked inside your house forever." I cried in the car and felt like...locking myself in my house forever.

Did it occur to you that she intended to be validating and encouraging with those comments? if you choose to assume the worst intentions of everyone that is what you will see from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

But the post is about “cherish these moments” not what you are referring to.

No one has actually said to her the things she claims, she’s just mad at life and looking for something to vent about. Strangers are not walking around telling women “you think this is hard????? Just you wait!!!!” in a menacing tone. It’s just not happening.

It actually does! I’ve had women joke “wait till he is a teenager!” when my kid was crying in target. I’m sure she meant it light heartedly. But it didn’t hit right , and just made me think “so it never gets easier?!” I actually cried when I got back to my car. People just need to think before they speak sometimes that’s all.

My heart goes out to you. I had a "crying in the Target parking lot" moment with my baby too.

To the PP who is being rude to you: guess what, moms of babies actually are fragile in ways they can't help. One reason they wind up crying in parking lots is because they are often on hormonal roller coasters that make them very susceptible to emotional triggers. Through no fault of their own, it's just what their bodies are doing. So when you are rude to people who recently gave birth, it's like kicking someone in a cast.

It's amazing how even with people talking more about PPD and PPA, everyone still forgets that new moms are going through a massive hormonal and emotional ordeal. Yes, some moms don't feel it as acutely. But some do. I cried all the time for the first 4 months of my kids life. It's not because I was weak, it's because that was my body's response to a lot of stuff.

AMEN! I remember one time feeling very proud of myself for taking my infant daughter with me to run some errands when I was finally able to drive and move about freely after a C-section; I was finally at a place where I could try BF in public with a cover. A mom came up to chat with me at the library and when she complimented my daughter, I thanked her and said I was nervous but glad because this was our first time out and about. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "You've got to get out there, can't stay locked inside your house forever." I cried in the car and felt like...locking myself in my house forever.

Did it occur to you that she intended to be validating and encouraging with those comments? if you choose to assume the worst intentions of everyone that is what you will see from everyone.

Wow, you must be tone-deaf and lacking in social graces. It is not "encouraging" or "validating" to tell someone "You've got to get out there" (directive) and "can't stay locked inside your house forever" in a scolding tone. How about: "Well, you're doing great on your first outing, and I hope you get to go out and enjoy more and more things, because it's so good to see you and your adorable baby!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

But the post is about “cherish these moments” not what you are referring to.

No one has actually said to her the things she claims, she’s just mad at life and looking for something to vent about. Strangers are not walking around telling women “you think this is hard????? Just you wait!!!!” in a menacing tone. It’s just not happening.

It actually does! I’ve had women joke “wait till he is a teenager!” when my kid was crying in target. I’m sure she meant it light heartedly. But it didn’t hit right , and just made me think “so it never gets easier?!” I actually cried when I got back to my car. People just need to think before they speak sometimes that’s all.

My heart goes out to you. I had a "crying in the Target parking lot" moment with my baby too.

To the PP who is being rude to you: guess what, moms of babies actually are fragile in ways they can't help. One reason they wind up crying in parking lots is because they are often on hormonal roller coasters that make them very susceptible to emotional triggers. Through no fault of their own, it's just what their bodies are doing. So when you are rude to people who recently gave birth, it's like kicking someone in a cast.

It's amazing how even with people talking more about PPD and PPA, everyone still forgets that new moms are going through a massive hormonal and emotional ordeal. Yes, some moms don't feel it as acutely. But some do. I cried all the time for the first 4 months of my kids life. It's not because I was weak, it's because that was my body's response to a lot of stuff.

AMEN! I remember one time feeling very proud of myself for taking my infant daughter with me to run some errands when I was finally able to drive and move about freely after a C-section; I was finally at a place where I could try BF in public with a cover. A mom came up to chat with me at the library and when she complimented my daughter, I thanked her and said I was nervous but glad because this was our first time out and about. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "You've got to get out there, can't stay locked inside your house forever." I cried in the car and felt like...locking myself in my house forever.

Did it occur to you that she intended to be validating and encouraging with those comments? if you choose to assume the worst intentions of everyone that is what you will see from everyone.

Wow, you must be tone-deaf and lacking in social graces. It is not "encouraging" or "validating" to tell someone "You've got to get out there" (directive) and "can't stay locked inside your house forever" in a scolding tone. How about: "Well, you're doing great on your first outing, and I hope you get to go out and enjoy more and more things, because it's so good to see you and your adorable baby!"

Also, are you really so removed from being a hormonal new mom that you honestly can't remember how physically difficult those hormones and emotions can be, and yeah, those hormones can make you feel a certain type of way. Versus "choose to assume" how about "oh yeah, your body and brain and fatigue make you assume..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

NP. Have you not kept up with the fact that more people than OP have been sharing anecdotes, and in some cases, people are indeed saying things to new moms, like:
"Just you wait..."
"You think you have it hard now..."
"Little kids, little problems"
"Try having a teenager"

Etc.

NP. I'd like a list of GOOD things that could be said instead, especially when I see a mother struggling with a crying baby or toddler. I'd truly like to be supportive because I clearly remember those days -- so hard! -- but I feel uncertain what to say.

"It gets better, hang in there!" ?
"You have a lovely baby"?
"The early days can be so hard, you have my sympathy" ?

Or would those be taken wrong in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

NP. Have you not kept up with the fact that more people than OP have been sharing anecdotes, and in some cases, people are indeed saying things to new moms, like:
"Just you wait..."
"You think you have it hard now..."
"Little kids, little problems"
"Try having a teenager"

Etc.

NP. I'd like a list of GOOD things that could be said instead, especially when I see a mother struggling with a crying baby or toddler. I'd truly like to be supportive because I clearly remember those days -- so hard! -- but I feel uncertain what to say.

"It gets better, hang in there!" ?
"You have a lovely baby"?
"The early days can be so hard, you have my sympathy" ?

Or would those be taken wrong in any way?

I think all three of those are great. I would add in the offer of small help - holding the door, etc.

[Anonymous]

People just can be really mean and nasty. I remember when I was getting married a lot of the old divorced men in my office kept telling me not to do it and how awful marriage was. Yeah, it wasn't awful and I've loved my husband and marriage.

I really hate all the debbie downers about little kids too. "Just you wait!" is nasty. I think a lot of it stems from them not being supported when they were moms, but they're still not supporting moms even when they're done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying it is weird to cry or be exhausted. We have ALL been there.

Some have just been saying that when you are so fragile, it does not take much to set you off. Don't turn daggers on the world, let alone other moms.

Just because they have a few years on you does not mean they are "resentful" irrelevant" "envious." Those characterizations really smack of misogyny or projection.

+1. Not only that, but no one is telling you that you are “doing it wrong.” Your own insecurity is taking a lighthearted comment and twisting it. Saying “cherish these moments” is neither a judgment nor unsolicited advice. And if that’s what you are feeling when you hear that comment, maybe do some self reflection.

NP. Have you not kept up with the fact that more people than OP have been sharing anecdotes, and in some cases, people are indeed saying things to new moms, like:
"Just you wait..."
"You think you have it hard now..."
"Little kids, little problems"
"Try having a teenager"

Etc.

NP. I'd like a list of GOOD things that could be said instead, especially when I see a mother struggling with a crying baby or toddler. I'd truly like to be supportive because I clearly remember those days -- so hard! -- but I feel uncertain what to say.

"It gets better, hang in there!" ?
"You have a lovely baby"?
"The early days can be so hard, you have my sympathy" ?

Or would those be taken wrong in any way?

How about a smile and a sympathetic glance, and giving her the gift of not hovering and prying when she's trying to handle it on her own, or:
"I'm nearby if there's anything I can do to help."

I once was struggling a bit to breastfeed my baby on a plane, flying without my husband. The woman next to me would. Not. Stop. Talking to me as I was peeking under my nursing cover and literally trying to handle my baby and my boob--not something I needed "help" with.

Finally, I just turned my body away from her, stopped responding to her, and almost immediately when I was focused on just my baby, we got the latch and she soon fell asleep. When my baby was asleep, the woman then started trying to talk to me AGAIN, not even whispering, and I glared at her to shut her up. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is just to let them be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

Nope I have never said any of those sayings to any young mom. I think I may have said "you have your hands full" as I opened to the door for a young mom. Now I see that even that could be considered an insult so now I am not going to be looking at your baby ( or you) Not going to make any encouraging words or tell you that your baby is adorable. Nope! If you can't handle a few human "mistakes" than I am going to cross the street to get away from you.

Bye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

Nope I have never said any of those sayings to any young mom. I think I may have said "you have your hands full" as I opened to the door for a young mom. Now I see that even that could be considered an insult so now I am not going to be looking at your baby ( or you) Not going to make any encouraging words or tell you that your baby is adorable. Nope! If you can't handle a few human "mistakes" than I am going to cross the street to get away from you.

Bye!

I guess I'll just have to be content with interacting with my husband, family, friends, neighbors, parents at daycare and elementary school, co-workers, people at my church, and people at the pool and the other activities we go to.

Whatever shall I do without your attention and compliments, random woman in the parking lot? It's almost as if I'll just have to...live my life with the many, many people in it. Byeeee!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

Nope I have never said any of those sayings to any young mom. I think I may have said "you have your hands full" as I opened to the door for a young mom. Now I see that even that could be considered an insult so now I am not going to be looking at your baby ( or you) Not going to make any encouraging words or tell you that your baby is adorable. Nope! If you can't handle a few human "mistakes" than I am going to cross the street to get away from you.

Bye!

I guess I'll just have to be content with interacting with my husband, family, friends, neighbors, parents at daycare and elementary school, co-workers, people at my church, and people at the pool and the other activities we go to.

Whatever shall I do without your attention and compliments, random woman in the parking lot? It's almost as if I'll just have to...live my life with the many, many people in it. Byeeee!

You keep claiming you are so "content" and you have such a wonderful support system. And yet here you still are. Grow a thicker skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If more people are like op it will make me want to avoid any conversations with young moms for fear of insulting them while trying to be human and connect.

So, congrats, I guess

I guess if you’re deliberately obtuse and persist in unsolicited advice and “just you waits” verses, you know, smiling at someone or greeting someone and saying they have a cute baby, then yeah. I think young moms will be better off if you do leave them be. If “little kids, little problems” is your idea of a warm conversation starter, they are better off being left alone.

Nope I have never said any of those sayings to any young mom. I think I may have said "you have your hands full" as I opened to the door for a young mom. Now I see that even that could be considered an insult so now I am not going to be looking at your baby ( or you) Not going to make any encouraging words or tell you that your baby is adorable. Nope! If you can't handle a few human "mistakes" than I am going to cross the street to get away from you.

Bye!

I guess I'll just have to be content with interacting with my husband, family, friends, neighbors, parents at daycare and elementary school, co-workers, people at my church, and people at the pool and the other activities we go to.

Whatever shall I do without your attention and compliments, random woman in the parking lot? It's almost as if I'll just have to...live my life with the many, many people in it. Byeeee!

You keep claiming you are so "content" and you have such a wonderful support system. And yet here you still are. Grow a thicker skin.

I'm fine having my opinion and sharing it on DCUM. There's nothing that isn't "content" about not changing one's opinion even in the face of...how shall we put this...your threats to withdraw your attention? Like seriously, this is what you wrote: "...so now I am not going to be looking at your baby ( or you) Not going to make any encouraging words or tell you that your baby is adorable. Nope!"

Like, you actually typed that and thought I would care enough to "see the error of my ways" and be shouted down into changing my opinion!