Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't find it traumatizing, maybe annoying. But my oldest has now moved away to college, and I miss those days. Looking back, those years did go by really fast. Like they say, "The days are long, but the years are short." (Sorry, I know that's another cliche).

I literally clicked onto this thread to hate on this little proverb. It's a pet peeve of mine. When you boil it down, it's basically saying "Parenting is a grind now so yep, you're miserable and it's going to feel never ending. But you can look forward to STILL looking back with regret that it's over and your kid is gone!"

[Anonymous]

I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

[Anonymous]

My kids are now in college and a bit older, and I can still remember hearing that kind of advice as a little sappy -- though not traumatizing or even particularly annoying. Even now when I hear my peers say this sort of thing to younger parents, I cringe. Some of my reaction came from my own aversion to commonplace sayings -- I loathe anything with the words "live love laugh" or "in this house" on it. But more substantively, I have to say that for me at least, having young adult kids might be my favorite stage of parenting. Yes, they're busy and farther away than I might like (note that I said "might"), but they're also super-fun to hang around with and they introduce you to new places and ideas and music and movies. And they cause you to look back at your own youth in a way that is painful at times, but can also help you find gracv and perspective and forgiveness for yourself and others. (Plus, you can call your sisters and college roommates and have a good laugh remembering old times.)

At the same time, though, there are obviously difficult parts of parenting at all stages, which brings me to my favorite child-rearing advice received from a stranger: "Being a mom is really hard sometimes." This came from a tween boy who was in line behind me at Toys 'R Us in Rockville in the summer of 1994. I had just given birth to my first child, who was wailing away and spitting up on my post-maternity schmatta. That wee bairn is 28 now and I'm going to visit him in LA next month where he promises we will get "mind-blowing tacos at Malibu". Life is good. And I'm going out right now to buy a car decal that says just that! Triteness, schmiteness! Thanks for the inspiration, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

DC1 was a terrible sleeper, truly one of the worst, and DC2 had major issues with feeding (insane gag reflex and projectile vomiting). When I was in the thick of it all and barely getting by on 5 hours of broken sleep every day and balancing that with my work, a friend tried to give me this message of cherishing the moment, because "once they're older the really hard grind starts."

It was a singularly unhelpful comment and it made me want to jump out of my skin: you're telling a mother in the worst part of parenting that it's only going to get worse so you might as well cherish it now?! It's also incredibly dismissive of what I was going through.

Know your audience, people. If anyone with older kids wants to impart some wisdom, then at least don't begin by dismissing someone's current struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't find it traumatizing, maybe annoying. But my oldest has now moved away to college, and I miss those days. Looking back, those years did go by really fast. Like they say, "The days are long, but the years are short." (Sorry, I know that's another cliche).

I literally clicked onto this thread to hate on this little proverb. It's a pet peeve of mine. When you boil it down, it's basically saying "Parenting is a grind now so yep, you're miserable and it's going to feel never ending. But you can look forward to STILL looking back with regret that it's over and your kid is gone!"

That saying is so true though. Parenting young children is a long, hard slog. Some days are brutal. All parents have had those days when their kids’ bedtime couldn’t come fast enough. However, if you’ve been a parent for more than a few years, you know that each year seems to pass more quickly than the last. A year with a 14 year old passes in the blink of an eye compared to a year with a 4 year old. It’s not so much that you wish your children were little again as it is that you wonder how it’s possible that the child you were taking to elementary school not all that long ago is now in high school. Or college. Or is getting married. Or is now a parent herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why do you read someone older as acting "superior." They have more experience in the job you have begun. They have street cred, when it comes to job coaching. Be more open minded and receptive. You are so stressed and sleep deprived perhaps that you cannot see a potential ally right in front of you. Why not ask her how she handled your current problem? Maybe she could actually be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

*tough (not touch)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why do you read someone older as acting "superior." They have more experience in the job you have begun. They have street cred, when it comes to job coaching. Be more open minded and receptive. You are so stressed and sleep deprived perhaps that you cannot see a potential ally right in front of you. Why not ask her how she handled your current problem? Maybe she could actually be helpful.

NP, but your attitude is exactly what I find so grating about that phrase. "I know more you than, so be quiet and listen." The reality is that aspects of parenting are hard all the way through, or so say the parents of adult kids whom I actually trust and who are genuinely supportive.

Recency bias is not the same thing as wisdom.

[Anonymous]

Think back to a truly happy moment with your small child. A peaceful, loving, laughing time together.

When an older mom witnesses those moments, she "gets" that they are all behind her. She does not believe every day of young parenting was like that. She does not think she will have no other sources of happiness in her future. But she is wistful about that very unique/special love/bond that parents and young children share.

You still have it. She cannot help but share how lucky that makes you. You can try to let that sink in, and perhaps savor the joyful moments of parenting a bit more. OR you can growl, "But he spilled his cheerios on the floor this morning." Either way, the older mom means no harm, Jeez.

[Anonymous]

I would never say this phrase to people, but one of my closest friend’s lost their only child at 5 years old, so I truly get it. However, I think it’s hard to fully understand if you haven’t been through a major trauma like that and you’re in the thick of trying parenting years.I think you can balance being grateful for your kids while simultaneously feeling like parenting is really hard and challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why do you read someone older as acting "superior." They have more experience in the job you have begun. They have street cred, when it comes to job coaching. Be more open minded and receptive. You are so stressed and sleep deprived perhaps that you cannot see a potential ally right in front of you. Why not ask her how she handled your current problem? Maybe she could actually be helpful.

NP, but your attitude is exactly what I find so grating about that phrase. "I know more you than, so be quiet and listen." The reality is that aspects of parenting are hard all the way through, or so say the parents of adult kids whom I actually trust and who are genuinely supportive.

Recency bias is not the same thing as wisdom.

You are agreeing with me. You say you trust parents of adult kids. BECAUSE they have been through the phases you have not. That is just an objective fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think back to a truly happy moment with your small child. A peaceful, loving, laughing time together.

When an older mom witnesses those moments, she "gets" that they are all behind her. She does not believe every day of young parenting was like that. She does not think she will have no other sources of happiness in her future. But she is wistful about that very unique/special love/bond that parents and young children share.

You still have it. She cannot help but share how lucky that makes you. You can try to let that sink in, and perhaps savor the joyful moments of parenting a bit more. OR you can growl, "But he spilled his cheerios on the floor this morning." Either way, the older mom means no harm, Jeez.

+1.

The assumption that the older parents don't understand that parenting is, at times, incredibly hard is very strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't find it traumatizing. But I definitely roll my eyes. Don't preach at me, and don't tell me what to cherish. I'll cherish what I want. I'm an adult and don't want to be told how to feel.

\

np You have such a negative attitude. It isn't a command and we aren't telling you what to do. It is just something that humans do-- share information from what we have learned to others. I think it actually says more about you than them. I remember when I was walking my baby and a woman with a pre-teen said "it goes by so quickly" At that time I thought it was taking so long but, I paused and said to myself "she is right" and then I went on my day.

You know what? She is right! Life does pass very quickly. Sorry you are a sour puss.

[Anonymous]

I think it is not to cool to say to expectant parents, "You have no idea what you are getting into" or "Your life will never be the same" (in an ominous way). They are nervous enough.