Why he won't leave his wife for his mistress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Sorry, I wasn't implying there was something missing in my wife, but there was something definitely missing in my relationship with my wife. Yes, sure, there is something missing in me that I wasn't able to stay faithful in a sexless marriage, and something missing in her in refusing to have sex rather than use her words and sort through why. I am also faithful and happy now in a second marriage, but it breaks my heart for me kids who are the collateral damage from two people who couldn't make a marriage work. We are co-parenting well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Sorry, I wasn't implying there was something missing in my wife, but there was something definitely missing in my relationship with my wife. Yes, sure, there is something missing in me that I wasn't able to stay faithful in a sexless marriage, and something missing in her in refusing to have sex rather than use her words and sort through why. I am also faithful and happy now in a second marriage, but it breaks my heart for me kids who are the collateral damage from two people who couldn't make a marriage work. We are co-parenting well.

For the PP and other who prefer to castigate the writer, examine your own motivations. Because, what he is saying is absolutely true for many affairs, including mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Sorry, I wasn't implying there was something missing in my wife, but there was something definitely missing in my relationship with my wife. Yes, sure, there is something missing in me that I wasn't able to stay faithful in a sexless marriage, and something missing in her in refusing to have sex rather than use her words and sort through why. I am also faithful and happy now in a second marriage, but it breaks my heart for me kids who are the collateral damage from two people who couldn't make a marriage work. We are co-parenting well.

Listen, I think you sound like a good guy. The thing I'm talking about is that a first marriage where both of you are learning how to be married, have kids together and figure out daily things of life is a very difficult time. Read other posts on here where wives explain that they was a lot of sex in their marriage prior to kids and reduced after having kids. Having kids and raising kids is tough for mothers and what you consider to be something missing in your wife is really because life gets really tough for women after kids with having to handle it all. Therefore, what you consider as something missing in your first marriage is really a first marriage with kids issue and how you chose to handle it is by cheating. Maybe you've learned to handle things better now or don't have kids everyday in your current marriage or are less stressed about financials now and these things mean you're handling things is better now. It's not ex-wife issue but "you" issue. This is why I wonder if your response to difficult situation at one time was to cheat, it's more likely you will do so again when things get tough again (and there will be ups/downs in a marriage) unless you understand what within you caused you to cheat. What I'm saying is that cheating is not caused by something external to you, it's an internal response. It's your issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

Few and far between.

Look it up. Most marriages stay together after cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

You're one of the few men on here who have done some self-reflection and see that cheating was because of something within you. I hope you make yourself better and thereby making your relationship with your wife/kids better in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Well said. That's it entirely.

Normal people cope with life's problems. Others with deep flaws drink, take drugs, have food addiction, engage in promiscuous behavior, and of course lying and cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ they also blatantly lie about the state of their marriage and how much sex they are really getting at home.. it’s the fake sob story to commiserate and get laid.

It's generally not a lie when a married man says his wife does not want sex. Why do you think most married men are constantly on the prowl? Like you said, they are not looking for conversation or relationship just sex. A husband who gets that (sex) with his wife has no reason to deal with other women expecting conversation or romantic gestures from him.

What makes you think that, in the history of woman-kind, a man's admission that "not even my wife will f-k me" is an effective panty-wetting line?[/quote]
Lol. Newsflash to APs: If your AP's spouse isn't having sex with your AP, maybe there's a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

This is about the first honest, self-aware post I have ever read on DCUM from a cheater. Really, your story is the story of every cheater, but most have not been to therapy to figure out how they are broken. Every cheater on here should take your post to heart.

Is your DW the one who is ready to go batshit (justifiably) on your AP, who you met on Ashley Madison?

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

[Anonymous]

Did your wife tell the AP's husband? Is this woman ever going to come clean for all the affairs and lies to her own husband or just lead the poor bastard on for eternity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

This is about the first honest, self-aware post I have ever read on DCUM from a cheater. Really, your story is the story of every cheater, but most have not been to therapy to figure out how they are broken. Every cheater on here should take your post to heart.

Is your DW the one who is ready to go batshit (justifiably) on your AP, who you met on Ashley Madison?

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

[Anonymous]

I felt incredible guilt the last year which is why I went to therapy. I started drinking before I would meet the AP and then when I got home. My wife noticed the drinking and anger episodes all stemming from knowing what I was doing was wrong.

But the first few years I was a master at compartmentalization. I truly did not even think about AP when I was with my wife and kids. It wasn’t until AP started talking about leaving her husband and getting possessive and cyber stalking and demanding more of me that I finally started to realize the magnitude of what I had been doing. I am in therapy for the rest of my life. I’m committed from here on out. I realize it will take my wife a long time to ever feel emotionally connected. My therapist is addressing this with me. I also have given up alcohol completely because it was a crutch to deal with the stress and lies and lack of self worth.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP here, also broke off a shorter affair after getting caught. The PP you asked is far more reflective than I am. I take responsibility, but I also have some resentment that I tried oh, maybe 30 conversations with my wife about doing something to get our sex life up and running and all were dismissed or she tried then settled back into once a month or so. I was so lonely.

Still, the affair killed any chance of us ever reconnecting. She doesn't want to divorce, not yet, but it's been six months of no intimacy and I am dying inside. How long can I wait? Tomorrow for sure, next week probably, but at some point marriage isn't a misery contract. She is SAH so perhaps until she gets a job and is financially stable? I feel horrible for the fall out, she deserves better and so do I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Well said. That's it entirely.

Normal people cope with life's problems. Others with deep flaws drink, take drugs, have food addiction, engage in promiscuous behavior, and of course lying and cheating.

Since , what 50% of people admit to cheating at some point, and almost 10% of the US population has used drugs in the last month (stat is about 5 years old, but still: https://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/trends-statistics) about 6% of people have an alcohol use disorder (https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-use-disorders) and 30 million people with eating disorders in the US (that's almost 10%) (https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/)

.... I think that saying "normal people cope with life's problem's" is a false statement. ALL people cope with life's problems. We do it differenty. Not just people with deep flaws. ALL people. To say that I'm not normal because I abuse alcohol or have cheated on my spouse is just simply wrong. It is also wishful thinking, that you believe you are normal and whole because you haven't cheated, or abused alcohol, and that you are better than other people. I'd hate to say my grandfather (abused alcohol) wasn't normal. Or my other grandfather (who was controlling) wasn't normal. Or my brother (uses pot) wasn't normal. Or my father (cheated on his wife) wasn't normal. They all were/are successful businessmen with their own companies. I'll bet if you look at your family you'll find similar. And those are only the ones you know about. I'm sure there is much much hidden there.

People are all flawed. We all do our best. Yes, we make mistakes. But labeling a very broad swath of folks as "not normal" is unacceptable, when alcohol, abuse, addiction, and affairs include about 90% of families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

This is about the first honest, self-aware post I have ever read on DCUM from a cheater. Really, your story is the story of every cheater, but most have not been to therapy to figure out how they are broken. Every cheater on here should take your post to heart.

Is your DW the one who is ready to go batshit (justifiably) on your AP, who you met on Ashley Madison?

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP. Sounds like the wife actually wrote the post projecting what she thought her husband feels. It also sounds like bullshit, somebody trying to say all the right things but maybe feeling something else.