Why he won't leave his wife for his mistress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect there are many more situations where two people are married in bad marriages but do not want to divorce (money, kids, inconvenience) but that cheating to emotional and physical needs met is much more common than one person being single. That is just stupid.

This is by far the more common scenario. Was PP describes about a single women pining for a married man is more unusual, particularly these days when it is much easier to meet people.

If two married people are having an affair, typically what ends it is one person having enough of their marriage and dating normally. The other married person will either leave at this point or the affair will end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ sorry. Ours lasted a long time. The passion was unbelievable. We have many letters from those days.

We had a great marriage for a long time. Kids and busy schedules came along and my dad (my true best friend) got terminal cancer and struggled severely for 3 years before dying it totally consumed me...

My partner went out and had an affair during this time.

Truly devastating. He had a horrific childhood like I describe above. He’s doing everything in his power—everything to change himself and fix things. The only thing we have going is a very long shared history and deep love prior to things going off the rails.

Not sure how this will end.

I am so sorry. I was consumed by work and intensive training in my career. We both gave little to the relationship, i was unavailable, he had an emotional affair. We are several years out and much better now, deepmy in love again. it took work. But I just want to say in regard to your words, "the only thing we have going is a very long shared history and deep love"...this may be enough to build on.. This is often the difference between making it and giving it up. It was for us. I am sending my best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most men it’s merely physical/just sex and they will tell mistress anything to keep it going—lie, lie and more lies. Many tolerate her “talk” but do t really like her and could never see themselves marrying her. Particularly, with the ones started on online websites vs office affairs where they are intellectually on the same footing and begin an attraction for one another. Co-workers/colleagues have spent many hours, months, etc together vs Ashley Madison where it’s one meet up and then straight to sex. They get the milk for free.

Statistically for women, even those telling AP they just are doing it for sex, they get very emotionally attached as the affair progresses and become highly jealous of the wife. It’s more often a means for an unhappy wife to try and exit marriage with new partner in hand. Unfortunately for her, most men don’t want to give up their marriages. They just want their cake and wait to too.

Many studies done on this topic.

There's so much in this to rebut/debate that I won't even begin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most men it’s merely physical/just sex and they will tell mistress anything to keep it going—lie, lie and more lies. Many tolerate her “talk” but do t really like her and could never see themselves marrying her. Particularly, with the ones started on online websites vs office affairs where they are intellectually on the same footing and begin an attraction for one another. Co-workers/colleagues have spent many hours, months, etc together vs Ashley Madison where it’s one meet up and then straight to sex. They get the milk for free.

Statistically for women, even those telling AP they just are doing it for sex, they get very emotionally attached as the affair progresses and become highly jealous of the wife. It’s more often a means for an unhappy wife to try and exit marriage with new partner in hand. Unfortunately for her, most men don’t want to give up their marriages. They just want their cake and wait to too.

Many studies done on this topic.

There's so much in this to rebut/debate that I won't even begin.

So much BS by someone who "read some studies." You included every cliche I'eve ever heard about cheating couples. Yes it's clear, you have no experience from which to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most men it’s merely physical/just sex and they will tell mistress anything to keep it going—lie, lie and more lies. Many tolerate her “talk” but do t really like her and could never see themselves marrying her. Particularly, with the ones started on online websites vs office affairs where they are intellectually on the same footing and begin an attraction for one another. Co-workers/colleagues have spent many hours, months, etc together vs Ashley Madison where it’s one meet up and then straight to sex. They get the milk for free.

Statistically for women, even those telling AP they just are doing it for sex, they get very emotionally attached as the affair progresses and become highly jealous of the wife. It’s more often a means for an unhappy wife to try and exit marriage with new partner in hand. Unfortunately for her, most men don’t want to give up their marriages. They just want their cake and wait to too.

Many studies done on this topic.

There's so much in this to rebut/debate that I won't even begin.

So much BS by someone who "read some studies." You included every cliche I'eve ever heard about cheating couples. Yes it's clear, you have no experience from which to speak.

Agree this is just so much BS. “Statistically”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most men it’s merely physical/just sex and they will tell mistress anything to keep it going—lie, lie and more lies. Many tolerate her “talk” but do t really like her and could never see themselves marrying her. Particularly, with the ones started on online websites vs office affairs where they are intellectually on the same footing and begin an attraction for one another. Co-workers/colleagues have spent many hours, months, etc together vs Ashley Madison where it’s one meet up and then straight to sex. They get the milk for free.

Statistically for women, even those telling AP they just are doing it for sex, they get very emotionally attached as the affair progresses and become highly jealous of the wife. It’s more often a means for an unhappy wife to try and exit marriage with new partner in hand. Unfortunately for her, most men don’t want to give up their marriages. They just want their cake and wait to too.

Many studies done on this topic.

There's so much in this to rebut/debate that I won't even begin.

So much BS by someone who "read some studies." You included every cliche I'eve ever heard about cheating couples. Yes it's clear, you have no experience from which to speak.

PP is actually right. Of course there are exceptions, but that tends to be the rule. Most couples stay married when there's an affair. The man is typically using the AP as toilet paper, nothing more. At the end of the day the guy doesn't have a respectable view of the AP since she is willing to sleep with a married man. Yes hypocritical, but he doesn't view her as partner/marriage material.

[Anonymous]

Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

[Anonymous]

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

Did you end it yourself? Was it discovered before it ended?

[Anonymous]

I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

[Anonymous]

B/c they don't want to split assets or look like an a-hole to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

This is about the first honest, self-aware post I have ever read on DCUM from a cheater. Really, your story is the story of every cheater, but most have not been to therapy to figure out how they are broken. Every cheater on here should take your post to heart.

Is your DW the one who is ready to go batshit (justifiably) on your AP, who you met on Ashley Madison?

[Anonymous]

Enjoyed reading the post of the self aware husband. It’s hard because this board had a lot of unhappy people so you aren’t necessarily going to get good advice on here. It’s all perspective. My DH is amazing and treats us well. I am still probably a little hard on him. That said we have sex usually every other day. I would hope he realizes I am demanding because we have two kids under 3 and a busy life and I need help because I can’t manage everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

I also wonder if this was your ability to not cope with all of the adulting you had to do in your previous marriage rather than missing something in your previous marriage. You will always have ups and downs in your marriage and to think that you cheated because something was missing isn’t really correct. It could be your inability to handle life issues. I’m wondering how long you have been remarried. Give it about 10 years and 2 kids to see what happens in this marriage.