Why he won't leave his wife for his mistress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in my 30’s I had three AP’s over an 8 year period. We were raising 2 DC’s, parenting well, building careers and having regular, if uninspired, sex.
I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t seek and rarely has had sex for the sake of having sex. I fell in love with all 3 AP’s and the affairs ended when the relationships reached the point where I either had to leave DW or end the relationships. I ended them and it was painful. Divorced a few years later, remarried and been monogamous since.
In retrospect, I think the relationship with DW was missing something which is why I was open to an AP.

In it now, and trying to break it off. I generally agree, affairs are a result of something wrong in the relationship, could be lack of sex or something else. Not trying to justifying it, but it's a symptom, not a cause.

Not really. Affairs are because there’s something missing in you, not someone else.

Well said. That's it entirely.

Normal people cope with life's problems. Others with deep flaws drink, take drugs, have food addiction, engage in promiscuous behavior, and of course lying and cheating.

Since , what 50% of people admit to cheating at some point, and almost 10% of the US population has used drugs in the last month (stat is about 5 years old, but still: https://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/trends-statistics) about 6% of people have an alcohol use disorder (https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-use-disorders) and 30 million people with eating disorders in the US (that's almost 10%) (https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/)

.... I think that saying "normal people cope with life's problem's" is a false statement. ALL people cope with life's problems. We do it differenty. Not just people with deep flaws. ALL people. To say that I'm not normal because I abuse alcohol or have cheated on my spouse is just simply wrong. It is also wishful thinking, that you believe you are normal and whole because you haven't cheated, or abused alcohol, and that you are better than other people. I'd hate to say my grandfather (abused alcohol) wasn't normal. Or my other grandfather (who was controlling) wasn't normal. Or my brother (uses pot) wasn't normal. Or my father (cheated on his wife) wasn't normal. They all were/are successful businessmen with their own companies. I'll bet if you look at your family you'll find similar. And those are only the ones you know about. I'm sure there is much much hidden there.

People are all flawed. We all do our best. Yes, we make mistakes. But labeling a very broad swath of folks as "not normal" is unacceptable, when alcohol, abuse, addiction, and affairs include about 90% of families.

Normal does not equal moral.

Cheating is a morality issue.

Smoking pot not so much . And alcoholism, like mental illness/depression, is genetic.

You can’t paint them all with the same brush.

Then add in borderline personality issues, sociopaths, narcissism and past abuse and it gets even cloudier.

People are free to define people however they want.

A father that was an alcoholic, serial cheater and emotional abuser abandoning a family can certainly be viewed as “not a good person”.

Newt Gingrich was not a good person. John Edwards was not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP here, also broke off a shorter affair after getting caught. The PP you asked is far more reflective than I am. I take responsibility, but I also have some resentment that I tried oh, maybe 30 conversations with my wife about doing something to get our sex life up and running and all were dismissed or she tried then settled back into once a month or so. I was so lonely.

Still, the affair killed any chance of us ever reconnecting. She doesn't want to divorce, not yet, but it's been six months of no intimacy and I am dying inside. How long can I wait? Tomorrow for sure, next week probably, but at some point marriage isn't a misery contract. She is SAH so perhaps until she gets a job and is financially stable? I feel horrible for the fall out, she deserves better and so do I.

She sounds depressed and still in shock. PTSD is real after finding out about a spouse's affair. Is she seeing a trauma expert? She should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

Few and far between.

Look it up. Most marriages stay together after cheating.

you are a complete fool - there is no absolutely definitive number anywhere on this

[Anonymous]

NP. Sounds like the wife actually wrote the post projecting what she thought her husband feels. It also sounds like bullshit, somebody trying to say all the right things but maybe feeling something else.

His post sounds exactly like you would expect from someone that has been to extensive therapy with a good therapist to deal with family of origin/infidelity issues. It sounds exactly like someone who is truly remorseful (as opposed to simply regretful that he was caught). You sound like someone with less ability to self-reflect than him and possibly someone who has cheated yourself and is threatened by his honesty and the impact on his life and that of his family.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

I RARELY think a betrayed spouse should give a cheater another chance after a long-term affair, because I think the cheater is almost never ready to do the work to heal himself/herself and their spouse, and so reconciliation is generally a losing proposition. The cheater inflicts trauma on their spouse, and may regret getting caught but does not usually make it to true remorse. From what both you and your wife have written, you have some true underlying issues that it appears you are committed to working out, and your cheating behavior is way out of character from what anyone who knows you would expect. It sounds like your marriage had a good foundation that may help now. I am actually rooting for you. I hope you can fix yourself, and that then you and your wife can fix your marriage. I hope you express your gratitude to her every day for the rest of your life if she gives you another chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP here, also broke off a shorter affair after getting caught. The PP you asked is far more reflective than I am. I take responsibility, but I also have some resentment that I tried oh, maybe 30 conversations with my wife about doing something to get our sex life up and running and all were dismissed or she tried then settled back into once a month or so. I was so lonely.

Still, the affair killed any chance of us ever reconnecting. She doesn't want to divorce, not yet, but it's been six months of no intimacy and I am dying inside. How long can I wait? Tomorrow for sure, next week probably, but at some point marriage isn't a misery contract. She is SAH so perhaps until she gets a job and is financially stable? I feel horrible for the fall out, she deserves better and so do I.

I think you've posted on here before and I remember you. I think you got creamed last time you posted almost exactly the same thing.

You may want to do some self reflection like the other poster. Honestly, I have no sympathy for you because you blame your wife for your cheating. People can divorce or go to sex therapist instead of cheating. You chose to cheat and you have no remorse whatsoever. Your wife will be affected for a very long time and you are on here complaining. How will you recompense your wife for your general shittyness and why do you deserve better? You will be out in the world again with that a-hole attitude and at least do others a favor and do not get married ever again. You got similar response to mine last time and you still come back with same comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

I RARELY think a betrayed spouse should give a cheater another chance after a long-term affair, because I think the cheater is almost never ready to do the work to heal himself/herself and their spouse, and so reconciliation is generally a losing proposition. The cheater inflicts trauma on their spouse, and may regret getting caught but does not usually make it to true remorse. From what both you and your wife have written, you have some true underlying issues that it appears you are committed to working out, and your cheating behavior is way out of character from what anyone who knows you would expect. It sounds like your marriage had a good foundation that may help now. I am actually rooting for you. I hope you can fix yourself, and that then you and your wife can fix your marriage. I hope you express your gratitude to her every day for the rest of your life if she gives you another chance.

I'm rooting for you as well to get better enough to do well in your marriage going forward. Hopefully, you do learn new lessons in individual therapy but long term success for a long term cheater isn't good. You are remorseful now but am wondering what you will feel like in 1-2 years from now and if you will be patient when these feelings from your wife become tedious for you. Good luck to you but I'm concerned for your wife. She has a difficult decision on her hand but I'm hoping you two are that 1 in a 100 couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP here, also broke off a shorter affair after getting caught. The PP you asked is far more reflective than I am. I take responsibility, but I also have some resentment that I tried oh, maybe 30 conversations with my wife about doing something to get our sex life up and running and all were dismissed or she tried then settled back into once a month or so. I was so lonely.

Still, the affair killed any chance of us ever reconnecting. She doesn't want to divorce, not yet, but it's been six months of no intimacy and I am dying inside. How long can I wait? Tomorrow for sure, next week probably, but at some point marriage isn't a misery contract. She is SAH so perhaps until she gets a job and is financially stable? I feel horrible for the fall out, she deserves better and so do I.

I think you've posted on here before and I remember you. I think you got creamed last time you posted almost exactly the same thing.

You may want to do some self reflection like the other poster. Honestly, I have no sympathy for you because you blame your wife for your cheating. People can divorce or go to sex therapist instead of cheating. You chose to cheat and you have no remorse whatsoever. Your wife will be affected for a very long time and you are on here complaining. How will you recompense your wife for your general shittyness and why do you deserve better? You will be out in the world again with that a-hole attitude and at least do others a favor and do not get married ever again. You got similar response to mine last time and you still come back with same comments.

Not sure what you mean, if we divorce I will give my wife whatever she is financially entitled to. Not here to make her future miserable, I care about her.

And not to worry, I will never, ever get married again. Thanks for your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can I ask how is it that you were in this relationship for 4 years and just now feel guilty? What led to ending this relationship and this feeling of guilt? What if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you for a while because of cheating....how long will you be patient and not cheat again?

NP here, also broke off a shorter affair after getting caught. The PP you asked is far more reflective than I am. I take responsibility, but I also have some resentment that I tried oh, maybe 30 conversations with my wife about doing something to get our sex life up and running and all were dismissed or she tried then settled back into once a month or so. I was so lonely.

Still, the affair killed any chance of us ever reconnecting. She doesn't want to divorce, not yet, but it's been six months of no intimacy and I am dying inside. How long can I wait? Tomorrow for sure, next week probably, but at some point marriage isn't a misery contract. She is SAH so perhaps until she gets a job and is financially stable? I feel horrible for the fall out, she deserves better and so do I.

I think you've posted on here before and I remember you. I think you got creamed last time you posted almost exactly the same thing.

You may want to do some self reflection like the other poster. Honestly, I have no sympathy for you because you blame your wife for your cheating. People can divorce or go to sex therapist instead of cheating. You chose to cheat and you have no remorse whatsoever. Your wife will be affected for a very long time and you are on here complaining. How will you recompense your wife for your general shittyness and why do you deserve better? You will be out in the world again with that a-hole attitude and at least do others a favor and do not get married ever again. You got similar response to mine last time and you still come back with same comments.

Not sure what you mean, if we divorce I will give my wife whatever she is financially entitled to. Not here to make her future miserable, I care about her.

And not to worry, I will never, ever get married again. Thanks for your concern.

Next time you decide to post on here, don't blame your wife for your cheating. She didn't make you cheat, you did that all by yourself. You don't want to make her future miserable but you are with blaming her for cheating. You are miserable because you don't have empathy for your wife and are only concerned about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I recently ended a 4-year affair. I never loved her. I compartmentalized. She’s nothing like my wife. My wife is beautiful, intelligent, confident, has a successful career and a wonderful family. This woman was broken like me. She is actually everything I don’t like. I actually “picked” somebody I knew I could never fall in love with. She told me she loved me and I strung her along because it was easy sex. I used her. She does not work. She is a liar and a cheater (yes- I know I am too). She is not that intelligent, but full of her self.

I ended it and never looked back. The woman wanted to leave her husband for me. I always told her I would never leave my wife. It was easy sex I used to fill a void I had inside myself which had nothing to do with my wife or our sex life. I was having regular, good sex with my wife. This was due to Mental issues I had and an unhealthy need for constant validation and thrill/risk. I started therapy while it was going on and knew it was wrong. It was like an alcoholic that uses booze, but hates himself and hates the booze. I ended up truly hating this woman. She was extremely manipulative and started stalking me. There are addiction issues in my family which I suffer with and I need to address facts about myself I never have before.

I am so angry at myself. I hate myself. My life was perfect. My wife and kids are perfect. I f@cked everything up. I see how awful I was. I am doing everything to try and fix this and I’m so scared my wife will never get over it. I don’t blame her.

This is about the first honest, self-aware post I have ever read on DCUM from a cheater. Really, your story is the story of every cheater, but most have not been to therapy to figure out how they are broken. Every cheater on here should take your post to heart.

Is your DW the one who is ready to go batshit (justifiably) on your AP, who you met on Ashley Madison?

Yes. My wife did track her her down. I have had zero contact with AP since I ended it. I don’t blame my wife. She holds each of us accountable.

AP refuses to take any responsibility. She asked my wife if my wife really wanted to ruin 2 families. Delusional. My wife did nothing. My wife did not ruin a single family. The AP and I are the ones ruining families. I see how mentally ill this woman is and it was not her first affair. She hates and despises her husband. I always told her I loved and respected my wife which drove her crazy and she was very jealous of my wife. I realize now saying that and doing what I did to my wife do not “fit”. I am seeing two therapists, attend a weekly addiction group, just got a vasectomy, std tested, and will sign any post-nup my wife puts in front of me. My wife won’t go to counseling with me right now. She can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame her, but will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to be a better person, husband and father. I will do this whether she chooses to stay or go. I never want another wife or family. Mine was perfect and I blew it up. I hate myself. The hurt and disgust in my wife’s eyes is so painful. I will have to live with this the rest of my life. And, as my wife told me, so will she and she didn’t have the benefit of “4 years of fun” first. I would tell anybody, do NOT do this. Do not cheat on a spouse. It’s never a solution to any problems or demons inside.

Sorry, I don't believe a word of your story or even that it is "your" story. I know BS when I read it and my BS meter is pegged on this one. This is obviously written by a woman.

[Anonymous]

It does not matter to me what you believe. You are not my wife. You can doubt all you want. You are not the one I’m changing for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

Few and far between.

Look it up. Most marriages stay together after cheating.

you are a complete fool - there is no absolutely definitive number anywhere on this

There are many studies that indicate it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

Few and far between.

Look it up. Most marriages stay together after cheating.

you are a complete fool - there is no absolutely definitive number anywhere on this

NP. Actually, a good friend works as a marriage therapist and says the same thing. He insists that about 75%+ of couples stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for an AP, one after 10 years but no kids, and two others after about 20 years and 3 kids (each).

There are no hard and fast rules to affairs, marriages ending, marriages ending for a new relationship with the AP etc.

No rules. That's the problem.

Few and far between.

Look it up. Most marriages stay together after cheating.

you are a complete fool - there is no absolutely definitive number anywhere on this

NP. Actually, a good friend works as a marriage therapist and says the same thing. He insists that about 75%+ of couples stay together.

20:01 again. I should add that the fact that many of us know people know of a statistically rare event - people who have left their spouse for their AP - should go to show you just how common infidelity actually is. You're actually the "complete fool" if you think the only affairs that are happening are the ones that blow up and cause a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does not matter to me what you believe. You are not my wife. You can doubt all you want. You are not the one I’m changing for.

Yeah, rigghhhtt. Keep shoveling that BS.