Why he won't leave his wife for his mistress

[Anonymous]

I keep trying to tell my best friend sleeping with a married man (the sex is electric she tells me - of course it is, it's why people have affairs!).

This older essay captured it all in a couple paragraphs:

“A wife, if she is loving and smart, will get her husband back every time,” she wrote more than 40 years ago. “He doesn’t really want her not to. He’s only playing.” And, just as soundly:

It isn’t his wife who doesn’t understand him, it’s his girlfriend. And what she doesn’t understand is how come he doesn’t get a divorce.

It’s simple. Because of the children, because of the community property, and because in many cases he doesn’t really dislike his wife. He may be tired of her and tired of her understanding him perfectly, but basically they are pretty good friends.

And that is why it's not so easy to "just divorce" when people aren't having sex.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/09/sex-and-the-married-man/307622/

[Anonymous]

The man has too much to lose. Wash.Rinse.Repeat.

[Anonymous]

+1. In most cases the man just wants sex, not a new life.

[Anonymous]

I think men will leave eventually. But the hurt it causes his family remains even if everyone gets along.

[Anonymous]

I know several men who left their wives for their mistresses. I work with at least 3 of them who did so and know about 4 more.

[Anonymous]

Some never leave, my dad never left my mom. I know one man who had an affair lasting 12 years until the other woman realized she had to find her own husband if she wanted to marry and have kids.

Most of the time men do not want a divorce, they might tell the other woman what she wants to hear and lie

[Anonymous]

Plenty of mistresses don’t care if he leaves his wife or not.

[Anonymous]

I know he won't leave her. But he ought to.

[Anonymous]

This is a really bad argument especially right now. The current President of the United States and the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom both married their mistresses.

If the Queen dies in the next year, the current King of Great Britain will be added to that list.

[Anonymous]

I know two who have. There is no fast and hard rule. Sometimes the marriage is bad enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

For the segment of men that are really done with the marriage, truly done, yes I think it can give the impetus to leave. But many are not done. They still love their wives and want their life and children full time, do not want to just cut off what may be a long history etc. Other women can be so naive, they do not understand or get the ways he slants the truth, even to himself. If he is married he likely loved her, and may still..his ragging on her to you is unlikely to be the whole picture obviously.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes they are acting out their own childhood pain and may not even be conscious of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of mistresses don’t care if he leaves his wife or not.

Exactly. It's not just men who are in affairs for sex. I've had sex with over 15 married women (and I've known so many more) and none of them were looking to leave their husbands. Of the 10 or so whose lives I still know, only one has divorced and she isn't with any of her APs but a guy she met since her divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes they are acting out their own childhood pain and may not even be conscious of it.

This.

My husband’s therapist, the mistress and his friends he never said bad word about me in the 24 years we’ve been together. He was highly complimentary of me—looks, personality, career, education and as a mother and friend. In fact, mistress said she was jealous of me because he never said he was unhappy with me and I am much prettier with a rewarding career. He always has said he will never find anyone better than me. He crushed AP because he never loved her. He picked somebody old, not very attractive and with zero career. She had as f@cked up a childhood as his.

We were still having sex 3-4 times per week while he carried out this years long affair.

His dad was an abusive alcoholic that repeatedly cheated on his mother and terrorized the family.

The issues came out in middle age and manifested this way. He has 2 therapist now and becoming involved in faith—was never baptized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several men who left their wives for their mistresses. I work with at least 3 of them who did so and know about 4 more.

The weak ones leave. The ones who hate the marriage and don't have the b**** to leave like a man. They need another woman waiting in the wings for them.