Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

And, Op, YOU need to be #1 with your husband. When he makes you #1 everything else will fall into place....if it is meant to be.

If he is choosing his friends over you that is not going to be a good life for you. Think about how gut wrenching all this bad mouthing and exclusion by your husband has been for you to process. Now consider putting up with that for years, decades longer. It'll tear you to shreds. And he'll be fine to watch it happen to you.

[Anonymous]

No. You can not bounce back from this and pretend like it never happened. You have a history with this group and it is not a nice one. You will always be the outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.

He's scared that his life will blow up, which is not the same as feeling genuine remorse for YEARS of badmouthing his wife to his friends. If he was genuinely sorry, he would be willing to do the hard work of talking to his friends himself. He's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.

He's scared that his life will blow up, which is not the same as feeling genuine remorse for YEARS of badmouthing his wife to his friends. If he was genuinely sorry, he would be willing to do the hard work of talking to his friends himself. He's not.

He's a complete and total azzhole and he's a coward. If he sticks up for his wife his friends will cut ties with him and tell him to F off. If he continues the act with his friends, he risks losing his wife.

Poor guy has created quite the pickle for himself. But...he has already told Op that if she causes him to be ousted from this clique he will resent her for the rest of her life....

Get TFO Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

This is the comment that broke my WTF radar, the needle just shot up and broke the works.

What? He has been badmouthing you to your friends for years and YOU need to win them back? YOU? What the #$$%, woman?

Here's the thing. I am not sure anyone told you this in black and white. For the marriage to succeed, marriage has to come first. Like, #1 in life. Ahead of everything. I'm a little iffy on whether it can come before your parents, but it most certainly comes BEFORE your friends! Either of you should be able to immediately drop any friend that is unfriendly to your marriage. All your friends should be friends of your marriage. Either of you should be in a position to tell anyone, stop talking shit about my spouse or the friendship is over.

The fact that your husband continues to put friends ahead of you is not good. Like, terminally not good. Don't worry about him "not getting it." He gets it. He just doesn't want to. The fact that he is still fearful of losing these friends and says he'll resent you if you damage these friendships tells me you are not that high in his ladder of priorities. THAT is your problem. Not friends.

By the way, I don't believe in the high school pact of "don't talk to him until he divorces her". Male friendships don't operate that way. It may be "let's not hang out anymore until you stop trash-talking about your wife 'cause I can't take this shit anymore". But men don't usually hang their friendships on their spouses, and it doesn't look like you've really interfered in his friendships.

Can this be repaired? Who knows. One thing I know that it is NOT about you "winning back" his friends. Screw his friends. This should be about your husband PROVING to you that you come first. #1. Maybe #2 after his mom, but definitely not after. Preserving his friendships should be the last thing on his mind. It's bullshit that he tells you "you're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be." You alone decide how big of a deal this should be.

Finally, from the shoes of someone whose marriage has gone through some shitty times, I want to give you this bit of wisdom:

Do not give forgiveness easily. You may be ready to forgive him in your heart but DO NOT SHOW it. He has to work for it. He has to ask for it and work for it. Like a dog. You giving your forgiveness so readily tells him it's OK to continue to be shitty to you.

NP. When I read that it actually made me think that OP’s husband has probably told his friends that she is physically abusive of him and that’s why they are so gung ho about him needing to leave her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have different thresholds for what they can tolerate.
I’m furious on OP’s behalf and even at her a bit for being unwilling to hold her punk of a DH accountable but she’s willing and able to live with this, so that’s that.

OP, to answer your original question, since you’re willing to accept all the other stuff - no, writing a letter to his friends won’t repair things, in any way. Especially since he’s u willing to talk with them directly and stand up for you and your marriage. So don’t have any high expectations in that regard.

All you can do is let go of what they think. If you’re unwilling to hold your DH accountable for the damage he’s done and continues to then you have to accept things as they are. Period.

Though you mentioned he’d be willing to go to counseling with you, so take him up on that. And do get counseling for yourself (but don’t keep that a secret from him - he should know that you’re taking care of yourself and respecting yourself — let him worry about losing you instead of feeling like he has the luxury of shi**ing on you with no risk or consequences).

+1
If you're willing to live with this, then that's what you get. You get to live with this. A letter will not help--his friends will just think that it's something you made him do. It's not going to undo the years of him telling them that you were a terrible person who ruined his life, the years of him being willing to go on trips that excluded you. He's not willing to do anything meaningful to fix this. You're not willing to demand better. And as a PP noted, you can't "bounce back" to a place you never were. Your husband has been badmouthing you for the entire duration of your relationship. That's your status quo. That's your baseline. He's telling you that he'll blame you and resent you if he loses his friends, and you're okay with that. So, you know that you come a distant second to his friends. That's not going to change. That's your life. If you're okay with that, nothing is going to change.

[Anonymous]

He is not your friend, Op. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Okay, OP. I'm going to answer your question.

Yes, it is possible for his friends to move past this and accept you. True friends are capable of forgiving a lot of indiscretions. This makes me really unpopular on DCUM, but I was the other woman until I got pregnant and my DH left his first wife (they had no children). It wasn't one of my top concerns at the time, but I did consider that all of his friends would ice him out or shun me due to the nature of our relationship, but they didn't. I'm not especially close with any of his friends or their wives, but they're kind to me and accept me. We still get invited to gatherings and everything seems normal. I have no idea if they still talk I'll of us behind out backs but I also really don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how can anyone possibly think this has to do with OP's DH's friends? This is obviously all about the husband's issues. The friends are a complete red herring.

The friends are a red herring until you relate they have accepted DHs tall tales, and both have, and continue to exclude OP because of them.

This is his WIFE, with children; not some random girlfriend. These are his children. The fact that they continue to disclude her is telling. Also, the fact that two friends are “pulling out”.

OP is so much better than this scenario.

Everyone seems to be accepting at face value that husband did not actually MEAN what he said to the friends -- that he is deeply unhappy and doesn't respect his wife. I think he said those things to his friends because they're true. I also think some kind of affair is plausible. What the friends think or do is the LEAST of OP's problem.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whom after her husband cheated on her (affair, not one night stand) and made her feel stupid andnon at his level kept defending her husband and making excuses for him. The problem was that HE is the manipulator (and probably smarter than my naive friend) and turned his affair into something my friend made him do because she was making him feel bad about himself.
These men (and women) exist unfortunately. They make huge mistakes and turn it around as if it were the SO’s fault. My friend’s husband is not trying to win her back or do any kind of work to show how sorry he is. He keeps telling her that she needs to stop nagging or he will need to cheat again. Your husband is like this man OP. He may have not cheated (I doubt it) but he disrespected you just as much.

I lost my friend because I wanted her to leave her husband and she didn’t. The husband knew what I thought of him and that’s why we don’t hang out anymore. I hate seeing these subdued and unaware women that believe everything their husband tell them. It’s probably good we are not friends anymore

[Anonymous]

You will need the courage to start unwinding this situation. Slowly step away and as you prepare yourself to get out of there. Don't challenge him. Just quietly go to counseling yourself and start to make your exit plan.

The more peaceful and orderly you manage this the better off you and your children will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. I'm going to answer your question.

Yes, it is possible for his friends to move past this and accept you. True friends are capable of forgiving a lot of indiscretions. This makes me really unpopular on DCUM, but I was the other woman until I got pregnant and my DH left his first wife (they had no children). It wasn't one of my top concerns at the time, but I did consider that all of his friends would ice him out or shun me due to the nature of our relationship, but they didn't. I'm not especially close with any of his friends or their wives, but they're kind to me and accept me. We still get invited to gatherings and everything seems normal. I have no idea if they still talk I'll of us behind out backs but I also really don't care.

eh, they're his friends so clearly they chose him over his wife. I'm sure that they accept you in the same way that they accepted his wife.

[Anonymous]

This is honestly one of, if not the, saddest threads on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should add just one thing in my husband's defense. He had apologized a lot over the past couple weeks. He has also been honest -- it's me who keeps asking him to stop. I truly believe he got in over his head and didn't know how to do anything else, and maybe kept it up for attention or as a way of getting back at me when we bickered. We've been married for 4.5 years so this has been going on for a long time, longer than I want to admit.

OP the only way I can justify your acceptance of his behavior is if everything he says about you is in fact true. He still is an ass obviously, but maybe you are not the smartest person out there (graduate degree or not) and perhaps you did trick him into marriage by getting pregnant and have been this horrible wife this whole time keeping him from being happy. If what’s i wrote is not true, then I (and everyone else here) cannot understand the justifications you are making for this excuse of a man

[Anonymous]

Not only he does not want to cut ties with his friends that won’t see him until he divorces you; he does not even want to talk to them and explain. He is NOT sorry and does not care about you. Sorry OP. You should see what everyone else sees already