Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

This has probably been said up-thread, but Jesus, his friends are pretty damn dumb if they actually believe that crap after all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has probably been said up-thread, but Jesus, his friends are pretty damn dumb if they actually believe that crap after all these years.

They're not dumb. The obvious explanation is that the DH *actually does hate being married,* and does not really love his wife, and has been communicating this all along to his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has probably been said up-thread, but Jesus, his friends are pretty damn dumb if they actually believe that crap after all these years.

They're not dumb. The obvious explanation is that the DH *actually does hate being married,* and does not really love his wife, and has been communicating this all along to his friends.

And the idiot man got engaged to Op before he impregnated her....and now he blames Op for trapping him. You think Op would have married this loser if she knew what he was saying behind her back? Talk about trapping someone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.

He's scared that his life will blow up, which is not the same as feeling genuine remorse for YEARS of badmouthing his wife to his friends. If he was genuinely sorry, he would be willing to do the hard work of talking to his friends himself. He's not.

+1

[Anonymous]

He is scared he will be found out for the fraud of a man he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. I'm going to answer your question.

Yes, it is possible for his friends to move past this and accept you. True friends are capable of forgiving a lot of indiscretions. This makes me really unpopular on DCUM, but I was the other woman until I got pregnant and my DH left his first wife (they had no children). It wasn't one of my top concerns at the time, but I did consider that all of his friends would ice him out or shun me due to the nature of our relationship, but they didn't. I'm not especially close with any of his friends or their wives, but they're kind to me and accept me. We still get invited to gatherings and everything seems normal. I have no idea if they still talk I'll of us behind out backs but I also really don't care.

(They do.)

And nope, this situation is not at all analogous.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

eh, the adult friends are responsible for engaging in the bad mouthing and snubbing Op, too. They behaved like bullies and they should own it. I doubt they'll ever want to be friends with a woman that they have so badly disrespected....each and every one of them knows what was said. The genie has already left the bottle...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

eh, the adult friends are responsible for engaging in the bad mouthing and snubbing Op, too. They behaved like bullies and they should own it. I doubt they'll ever want to be friends with a woman that they have so badly disrespected....each and every one of them knows what was said. The genie has already left the bottle...

And their friends won't want to be friends with Op and so on and so forth.

How could that not affect the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has probably been said up-thread, but Jesus, his friends are pretty damn dumb if they actually believe that crap after all these years.

x10000

I wouldn't worry too much about what these people think, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is scared he will be found out for the fraud of a man he is.

+1

Your DH craves attention, OP. And NOT the good kind. What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

[Anonymous]

You cannot BOUNCE BACK to anything because you were screwed from Day 1. He never respected you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be an outlier here, but I think it would be weird for OP's husband to gather everyone around and confess that he's been lying all this time. He's right that it would make everyone uncomfortable and it would be very weird. If I was one of the friends and I've been hearing crap about my friend's so for 5 years - either in a joking or complaining way - I would not want to sit there and hear him tell me it's all untrue and he was wrong while the so sat there.

It just seems more like an elementary school aged punishment aimed at the husband. "Now stand up in front of class and tell everyone you're sorry you were mean and you won't do it again."

It's just creepy.


Having said that, though, OP, if you're still reading. If you want to accept your husband's limitations and try to move forward, then you can try to get him to start including you in these outings going forward and not going if you're not invited, cutting off any bad-mouthing from now on and just start sharing good things about you with his friends.

I think you'll have to hear and see him doing these things for a while before you'll gain his trust again, but I think that if he TRULY is sorry and really wants to fix this, then he should agree to doing all of this.