Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
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Anonymous
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DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).
I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends. Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me. This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he is the issue, not the friends. I would not write the friends and address it with him. |
Anonymous
| This is something you need to deal with directly with your husband. If and when the time comes he can deal directly with his friends to set things straight. |
Anonymous
+1 There's nothing "very sweet" about shittalking your girlfriend/fiance/wife/mother of your kids to your friends for years. You're delusional if you think he's "as scared as you" about the situation he purposefully created. And for crying out loud, it's pact. |
Anonymous
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You would be an idiot to write a letter to his friends. "Dear you guys, Dave doesn't REALLY hate me or feel stuck in his marriage, I swear. It was all just a joke that went too far. He's really happy, I promise!" Yeah, that'll go over well.
Your husband is both immature and a coward. Quite frankly I'd divorce him for those character traits. |
Anonymous
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Wow. You guys have serious problems. Get thee to a counselor ASAP.
As for the friends, it's entirely on your DH to fix it. He needs to tell them the truth. If he does not have the courage to stand up for you and face his lies, then you are going to have to face some hard truths about him. The betrayal you are feeling is very similar to cheating, I'd imagine. You may find that many of the techniques that work to help couples recover from infidelity may help you too. |
Anonymous
| I’d honestly make him choose - his friends or me. |
Anonymous
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Oh dear....you're living in complete la-la land that your "sweet" husband has been "joking" about stuck being married to you over the years. You're also in complete denial about what he's been saying to them over the years. You're the only wife excluded? 2 won't talk to him until he divorces you? Wake up.
Do you suffer from low self esteem? Often when someone does, they allow themselves to get treated like this. Get yourself a personal therapist to learn how to have some self worth. It is important so that you can handle this situation and so you can be a good role model. |
Anonymous
He may be cheating if the group is co-ed and wife is not invited. |
Anonymous
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I don't even know where to start...
DH isn't scared because of how you feel. He's scared because he got caught and now he has to unF this situation. Had he actually cared about you, he would have fixed this in the past 4 years. These were not boys' trips. They were couples' trips you were excluded from. With a DH that made no move to clear it up. His story telling about you got SO bad he has two friends who won't hang out with them until he divorces you. Do you not get how messed up that is what your husband must have been saying to them?!? You claim you just recently found out about what he was saying, but didn't you ever wonder why you never hung out with his friends? Your husband is not sweet. He is a master manipulator and liar who has likely been living two separate lives. Don't be surprised if he's cheated on you, because his friends likely supported it. This is not a his friends problem. This is a your husband is an asshole and you likely lack the self esteem to fight him on it problem. The fact that you care about writing a letter to his friends and NOT the fact that he's trash talked you and treated you like garbage for 4 years is exactly why he's been able to do what he's done. |
Anonymous
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Omg...WHAT. None of this is even remotely normal. And it's, frankly, both weird and concerning that your focus is on whether the friends can ever 'accept' you, and not on whether you/you guys can ever work through the fact that even leading up to and after you guys were MARRIED he has been putting you down to them, and attending these secret camping trips specifically designed to exclude you, and continued to badmout you and let you be put down repeatedly in front of him, without sticking up for you.
Honestly, coming from a place of love: you need to get some self pride. Him treating you this way is NOT okay. At best (we're talking very, absolute best case scenario) he is immature and a huge (HUGE) coward. But the fact that he has gone along with this for all this time and not told them to cut it out or stuck up for you is pretty horrifying - it does not say good thing do about his level of respect for you. Screw the friends, the question is can your marriage ever come back from this...and I think the answer to that is only if he takes DRASTIC ans deliberate steps, and sticks to them He sounds wildly immature (seriously, how old are these friends? And how often is he seeing them?) and you sound like you need to step it up and stick up for yourself - stop letting him jerk yourself around with his lame excuses |
Anonymous
| Are you the poster from "everyone likes husband, but he sucks" (can't remember th exact title)? |
Anonymous
Wait, wait, wait. Your husband said this, and your concern about it is what his friends think?? You're saying you are a-ok with being treated like crap, you just don't want other people knowing it. |
Anonymous
No, you guys, her husband is really sweet. |
Anonymous
| Have you considered the possibility that DH wasn’t joking but made that up when you overheard his conversation? I think you need to talk to him and make sure that this”joking” might not represent his true feelings. |