Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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Reply to "Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People have different thresholds for what they can tolerate. 
I’m furious on OP’s behalf and even at her a bit for being unwilling to hold her punk of a DH accountable but she’s willing and able to live with this, so that’s that.

OP, to answer your original question, since you’re willing to accept all the other stuff - no, writing a letter to his friends won’t repair things, in any way. Especially since he’s u willing to talk with them directly and stand up for you and your marriage. So don’t have any high expectations in that regard.

All you can do is let go of what they think. If you’re unwilling to hold your DH accountable for the damage he’s done and continues to then you have to accept things as they are. Period.

Though you mentioned he’d be willing to go to counseling with you, so take him up on that. And do get counseling for yourself (but don’t keep that a secret from him - he should know that you’re taking care of yourself and respecting yourself — let him worry about losing you instead of feeling like he has the luxury of shi**ing on you with no risk or consequences).[/quote]

+1
If you're willing to live with this, then that's what you get.  You get to live with this.  A letter will not help--his friends will just think that it's something you made him do.  It's not going to undo the years of him telling them that you were a terrible person who ruined his life, the years of him being willing to go on trips that excluded you.  He's not willing to do anything meaningful to fix this.  You're not willing to demand better.  And as a PP noted, you can't "bounce back" to a place you never were.  Your husband has been badmouthing you for the entire duration of your relationship.  That's your status quo.  That's your baseline.  He's telling you that he'll blame you and resent you if he loses his friends, and you're okay with that.  So, you know that you come a distant second to his friends.  That's not going to change.  That's your life.  If you're okay with that, nothing is going to change.  [/quote]

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