Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

[Anonymous]

I am okay with what my husband has done. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here. We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me. I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad). I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out." I want his friends to like me, and he is willing to write the letters instead to make this work. What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg...WHAT. None of this is even remotely normal. And it's, frankly, both weird and concerning that your focus is on whether the friends can ever 'accept' you, and not on whether you/you guys can ever work through the fact that even leading up to and after you guys were MARRIED he has been putting you down to them, and attending these secret camping trips specifically designed to exclude you, and continued to badmout you and let you be put down repeatedly in front of him, without sticking up for you.

Honestly, coming from a place of love: you need to get some self pride. Him treating you this way is NOT okay. At best (we're talking very, absolute best case scenario) he is immature and a huge (HUGE) coward. But the fact that he has gone along with this for all this time and not told them to cut it out or stuck up for you is pretty horrifying - it does not say good thing do about his level of respect for you. Screw the friends, the question is can your marriage ever come back from this...and I think the answer to that is only if he takes DRASTIC ans deliberate steps, and sticks to them

He sounds wildly immature (seriously, how old are these friends? And how often is he seeing them?) and you sound like you need to step it up and stick up for yourself - stop letting him jerk yourself around with his lame excuses

The trips were not specifically to exclude me. The trips were for other reasons (big birthdays, etc), but DH told me that they were "guy trips" because he didn't want me to feel bad that his friends didn't want me there, but they were coed trips, and sometimes his friends told them they were "guys" trips and he says he was really surprised that there were girls, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would be an idiot to write a letter to his friends. "Dear you guys, Dave doesn't REALLY hate me or feel stuck in his marriage, I swear. It was all just a joke that went too far. He's really happy, I promise!" Yeah, that'll go over well.

Your husband is both immature and a coward. Quite frankly I'd divorce him for those character traits.

That's not an option. We have two small kids. I don't want my family ripped apart because I am a bad judge of character. I somehow need to keep it together for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am okay with what my husband has done. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here. We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me. I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad). I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out." I want his friends to like me, and he is willing to write the letters instead to make this work. What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage.

My personal opinion are that letters are the wrong way to go. Number one, you need to speak to a counselor before either of you takes another step with the friends. When the time comes to approach them, I would be in favor of him inviting everyone over, together, and then in front of you, he admits to what he's been doing and answers any questions they have. He also has to lay out new ground rules, including no bashing you, no trashing his marriage, and you are included in all group events from here on out. Anyone who can't be a friend of the marriage has to go. You should stay as silent as possible and let him take every last ounce of the heat. It is time he stood up for you. You need to see it happen.

If his friends hate you after this, then they need to be let go. Their feelings about that really aren't relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am okay with what my husband has done. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here. We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me. I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad). I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out." I want his friends to like me, and he is willing to write the letters instead to make this work. What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage.

My personal opinion are that letters are the wrong way to go. Number one, you need to speak to a counselor before either of you takes another step with the friends. When the time comes to approach them, I would be in favor of him inviting everyone over, together, and then in front of you, he admits to what he's been doing and answers any questions they have. He also has to lay out new ground rules, including no bashing you, no trashing his marriage, and you are included in all group events from here on out. Anyone who can't be a friend of the marriage has to go. You should stay as silent as possible and let him take every last ounce of the heat. It is time he stood up for you. You need to see it happen.

If his friends hate you after this, then they need to be let go. Their feelings about that really aren't relevant.

Thank you. You are so kind. I really appreciate it. I wish you were my spouse. It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You are so kind. I really appreciate it. I wish you were my spouse. It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.

This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.

[Anonymous]

OMG lady. Forget the letters! Letters can't fix this level of crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think you are having a weird reaction to these events OP. If it were my DH, I would demand he fixes this or he is out of these friends lives for ever. What he did was bad. How can you be ok with this. His friends and your husband should apologize profusely to you... it makes no sense to me. btW my DH also told details about our first few nights together to his friends and regrets it to this day. Thankfully he is not stupid, mean and immature andstopped after the second orthird date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

If you watch an couple episodes of Teen Mom, you will catch some of the teen dads saying the exact same things.

He is picking his friends over his family bad he is far too old for that.

He should be willing to ditch friends like this who are so callous and rude to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Stop making excuses for the mean child you married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You are so kind. I really appreciate it. I wish you were my spouse. It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.

This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.

I know. I just don't think he'll do it. He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable. I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture." But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.

Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too. I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am. I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut. And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime. I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

If you watch an couple episodes of Teen Mom, you will catch some of the teen dads saying the exact same things.

He is picking his friends over his family bad he is far too old for that.

He should be willing to ditch friends like this who are so callous and rude to his

+1 he should punch these fiends in the face