Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

I stopped, actually. It helped that their possessive spouses didn't like them spending time with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.

+1 well said

+2

Very.

"Kind" poster here. I realize you feel that your "calling it like you see it"/tough love approach will ultimately be helpful. Unfortunately, calling the OP delusional and telling her she's wrong to want to work on her marriage - whatever you might judge of it or her circumstances from what you know from an anonymous internet post - is profoundly damaging. The OP needs to come to her own conclusions about her husband, her kids, her needs, and her marriage IN HER OWN TIME.

Second, if you read all of my comments, you will see that I specifically stated that (in a post you didn't quote), that recovery from this sort of behavior requires 200% commitment on the part of her DH and that it was not a good sign that her DH was not showing that effort yet. But, I still trust the OP to decide for herself what all of this means. Further, it's ok that she does not decide today to respond in a certain way or to take drastic action, like divorce. Her feelings and circumstances may change over time and with the help of a therapist, which I strongly encouraged her to see ASAP (on an emergency basis, if necessary - another post you failed to quote), she can determine what she wants to do. Thankfully, she's taking that advice.

Look, it's one thing to affirm what OP clearly already knows, which is that her husband has not treated her in a loving or respectful manner. It's also perfectly ok to encourage OP to get professional support as she works out what that fact means for her and what decisions she'd like to take in response. I'd even say it would be helpful for OP to hear from BTDT posters who have faced similar challenges and how they handled it. But, that's really where it needs to stop. OP needs to process. She needs space to breathe and reflect and decide for herself the best course of action. One step at a time.

We are telling her to go to a counselor to sort this out. Her husband has been treating Op like the enemy behind her back since they started dating. His friends snubbed Op at her own wedding. Her dh is not to be trusted. He is not a trustworthy person. At best he is a very damaged person and at worst he may be a very bad person.

Just think about what this man has been saying about his own wife, the mother of his kids. The level of contempt shown by this man is unreal.

Op needs to talk to someone that she can trust who is on HER side. And I don't think that Op should let her husband know that she is seeing a counselor until her counselor says that she should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

I stopped, actually. It helped that their possessive spouses didn't like them spending time with other people.

The wife could have been kind, reasonable, and mature -- maybe too trusting so oblivious that her husband was bad mouthing her to his friends. Obviously the wife wasn't included in these meetings that you were having with her husband so she is at home taking care of the kids, maybe bring told it was a "guys night". She's clearly not possessive if you are going out with the husband. And maybe it wasn't a guys night and she wasn't a doormat like OP and so the husband didn't want to hang out with you anymore. He realized that you were unhealthy for his marriage because he didn't know how to tell you that he had been lying.

This thread makes me realize how insecure most of my guy friends are -- how many of them told me "no way" when I asked them if the new girl who they were into were "the one" and yet, how many of them got engaged to that same girl within half a year? I think we all need to give the absent spouse the benefit of the doubt.

I have to wonder if OP's spouse and your friend are the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

I stopped, actually. It helped that their possessive spouses didn't like them spending time with other people.

The wife could have been kind, reasonable, and mature -- maybe too trusting so oblivious that her husband was bad mouthing her to his friends. Obviously the wife wasn't included in these meetings that you were having with her husband so she is at home taking care of the kids, maybe bring told it was a "guys night". She's clearly not possessive if you are going out with the husband. And maybe it wasn't a guys night and she wasn't a doormat like OP and so the husband didn't want to hang out with you anymore. He realized that you were unhealthy for his marriage because he didn't know how to tell you that he had been lying.

This thread makes me realize how insecure most of my guy friends are -- how many of them told me "no way" when I asked them if the new girl who they were into were "the one" and yet, how many of them got engaged to that same girl within half a year? I think we all need to give the absent spouse the benefit of the doubt.

I have to wonder if OP's spouse and your friend are the same person.

Never met a guy like this in my life. Don’t try to normalize this- it’s not how decent people behave.

[Anonymous]

Any updates OP??? Did you see a counselor? Has your husband agreed to tell his friends himself?
I don’t really see any way out in this situation - even if your DH does come clean, he will probably lose all his friends, because who would want to be friends with a psychopath who lied about hating his wife for years?? Makes him seem insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has probably been said up-thread, but Jesus, his friends are pretty damn dumb if they actually believe that crap after all these years.

They're not dumb. The obvious explanation is that the DH *actually does hate being married,* and does not really love his wife, and has been communicating this all along to his friends.

According to what he told his friends, he didn't "love" her as a gf either. She was placeholder/side girl, whatever. He put forth the effort to buy a ring and propose to her before she was pregnant. Did she put a gun to his head? Most men like OP's DH would have just not proposed and then waited around for the woman to end the relationship. As to DH's "friends" - who can put up with someone who constantly complains yet does nothing to change their situation, for years?! A lot of this makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

I stopped, actually. It helped that their possessive spouses didn't like them spending time with other people.

The wife could have been kind, reasonable, and mature -- maybe too trusting so oblivious that her husband was bad mouthing her to his friends. Obviously the wife wasn't included in these meetings that you were having with her husband so she is at home taking care of the kids, maybe bring told it was a "guys night". She's clearly not possessive if you are going out with the husband. And maybe it wasn't a guys night and she wasn't a doormat like OP and so the husband didn't want to hang out with you anymore. He realized that you were unhealthy for his marriage because he didn't know how to tell you that he had been lying.

This thread makes me realize how insecure most of my guy friends are -- how many of them told me "no way" when I asked them if the new girl who they were into were "the one" and yet, how many of them got engaged to that same girl within half a year? I think we all need to give the absent spouse the benefit of the doubt.

I have to wonder if OP's spouse and your friend are the same person.

+1

I wonder if the DH's friends are somehow jealous? Maybe they think that DH did better than them, and they are trying to ruin it? OP, you seem too nice for this guy - he sounds like an immature, attention starved a-hole who is easily manipulated by people outside of the relationship. What a loser. I don't care how book smart he is, he sounds like a dumb arse, socially. Really, if he doesn't know how to protect himself from vultures like this, he is not worth your time. He seems like he loves drama and attention - or at least, he is accustomed to being bullied. Are you willing to wait until he loses all these so called friends, learns what real friends are like, and grows up? Do you think he will ever learn to be a decent partner? I think this says a lot about his family, and how he was treated, and how he views women. You might want to think about that.

[Anonymous]

Not particularly good friends, I think, if they let him marry a person he claimed he didn't love. Nobody called him on that??

Still think OP's DH is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is the issue, not the friends. I would not write the friends and address it with him.

+1 This is crazy. Sorry OP but your husband is a jerk (and probably his friends too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is your husband. Any adult friends with a brain should realize it is completely inappropriate for your dh to be bad mouthing you. Major marriage foul.

Yeah, I've had friends who got married and badmouthed their spouses like this. And I was like, why yes, your spouse IS unreasonable and jealous and controlling, but she was like that all along, and you married her anyway. The occasional gripe is one thing, or needing a gut check as to whether a spouse is being unreasonable or not, but constantly complaining about your spouse is icky. Either get a divorce or stop airing your dirty laundry.

Why would you keep getting together with someone like that? They sound awful.

I stopped, actually. It helped that their possessive spouses didn't like them spending time with other people.

The wife could have been kind, reasonable, and mature -- maybe too trusting so oblivious that her husband was bad mouthing her to his friends. Obviously the wife wasn't included in these meetings that you were having with her husband so she is at home taking care of the kids, maybe bring told it was a "guys night". She's clearly not possessive if you are going out with the husband. And maybe it wasn't a guys night and she wasn't a doormat like OP and so the husband didn't want to hang out with you anymore. He realized that you were unhealthy for his marriage because he didn't know how to tell you that he had been lying.

This thread makes me realize how insecure most of my guy friends are -- how many of them told me "no way" when I asked them if the new girl who they were into were "the one" and yet, how many of them got engaged to that same girl within half a year? I think we all need to give the absent spouse the benefit of the doubt.

I have to wonder if OP's spouse and your friend are the same person.

Never met a guy like this in my life. Don’t try to normalize this- it’s not how decent people behave.

+1000 What a jerk!

[Anonymous]

No, I would say this is not something you can bounce back from. Individual counseling to come to terms with this betrayal and decide what to do sounds like a great first step. Please do not send the letters now. Wait until you have been to counseling at least a few times and then re-think it. It may not seem like a good idea once you get a bit more perspective.

[Anonymous]

I live in LA and I'm Jewish and know nothing about this 'scene' op is talking about. Op is in huge denial. This is not about a man boy in the LA Jewish scene, this is about a loser husband and a wife sho is also a loser with no self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

+1. I think OP and her husband sound perfect for each other! A horrible husband who badmouths his WIFE and a crazy wife who wants to mail letters. They deserve each other.

I don't think OP is crazy for wanting to mail the letters. I think she's not thinking clearly after years of her husband's manipulations, and she's desperate to save the marriage she thought she had.

Her manipulative husband has convinced her to send the letters because he knows how those letters will be received by his friends. He's gaslighting her. Sounds like he's been gaslighting her for the whole of their relationship.

OP, don't send letters to your husband's friends. Don't send any letters. Don't agree to inviting your husband's friends over for your husband to tell them what's been going on. Just don't do it. None of these "fixes" are going to fix things for you. They're going to make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Set your terms. What type of relationship do you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear....you're living in complete la-la land that your "sweet" husband has been "joking" about stuck being married to you over the years. You're also in complete denial about what he's been saying to them over the years. You're the only wife excluded? 2 won't talk to him until he divorces you? Wake up.

I agree. It really sucks op. I'm sorry you are in this situation , but wake up. He was not joking.