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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam. And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean. You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.[/quote] These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.[/quote] OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.[/quote] This is the comment that broke my WTF radar, the needle just shot up and broke the works. What? He has been badmouthing you to your friends for years and YOU need to win them back? YOU? What the #$$%, woman? Here's the thing. I am not sure anyone told you this in black and white. For the marriage to succeed, marriage has to come first. Like, #1 in life. Ahead of everything. I'm a little iffy on whether it can come before your parents, but it most certainly comes BEFORE your friends! Either of you should be able to immediately drop any friend that is unfriendly to your marriage. All your friends should be friends of your marriage. Either of you should be in a position to tell anyone, stop talking shit about my spouse or the friendship is over. The fact that your husband continues to put friends ahead of you is not good. Like, terminally not good. Don't worry about him "not getting it." He gets it. He just doesn't want to. The fact that he is still fearful of losing these friends and says he'll resent you if you damage these friendships tells me you are not that high in his ladder of priorities. THAT is your problem. Not friends. [b]By the way, I don't believe in the high school pact of "don't talk to him until he divorces her". Male friendships don't operate that way. It may be "let's not hang out anymore until you stop trash-talking about your wife 'cause I can't take this shit anymore". But men don't usually hang their friendships on their spouses, and it doesn't look like you've really interfered in his friendships.[/b] Can this be repaired? Who knows. One thing I know that it is NOT about you "winning back" his friends. Screw his friends. This should be about your husband PROVING to you that you come first. #1. Maybe #2 after his mom, but definitely not after. Preserving his friendships should be the last thing on his mind. It's bullshit that he tells you "you're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be." You alone decide how big of a deal this should be. Finally, from the shoes of someone whose marriage has gone through some shitty times, I want to give you this bit of wisdom: Do not give forgiveness easily. You may be ready to forgive him in your heart but DO NOT SHOW it. He has to work for it. He has to ask for it and work for it. Like a dog. You giving your forgiveness so readily tells him it's OK to continue to be shitty to you. [/quote] NP. When I read that it actually made me think that OP’s husband has probably told his friends that she is physically abusive of him and that’s why they are so gung ho about him needing to leave her.[/quote]
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