Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are having a weird reaction to these events OP. If it were my DH, I would demand he fixes this or he is out of these friends lives for ever. What he did was bad. How can you be ok with this. His friends and your husband should apologize profusely to you... it makes no sense to me. btW my DH also told details about our first few nights together to his friends and regrets it to this day. Thankfully he is not stupid, mean and immature andstopped after the second orthird date

I hope you appreciate your spouse -- its great that he admitted that to you on his own. I don't think my husband would have told me anything if I hadn't found out.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I really thought I'd heard everything possible on DCUM but tonight was wow, and I hope you are a talented troll.

But if you are real, and not going to leave him....yes, what PP directly above says. Do it in person, the two of you, and have your DH confess to all this crap, tell him you are both in counseling. All that stuff that the PP directly above that you quote in 00:01 said.

And fine, don't leave him, kids involved, I get it....but you need to stop whitewashing this situation and believing that your DH is a nice guy. You are not married to a nice guy. He is not loyal. Oh, except to his friends, as you state in 23:54. So OP, it's your life and you can choose to stay with him, but know his friends come before you, and he is not loyal to you, and he will badmouth you again. Leopards don't change their spots, and "30 with the heart of a teenager" or whatever you said, is baloney. My 15 y.o. would never be so two-faced and disloyal. Face up to really who he is--really, the person that you have married and what you have decided to stick with, and you will be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You are so kind. I really appreciate it. I wish you were my spouse. It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.

This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.

I know. I just don't think he'll do it. He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable. I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture." But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.

Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too. I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am. I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut. And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime. I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.

I know you feel humiliated and you want to fix it because it is an unpleasant way to feel, so you're holding onto these letters as a quick fix (to help you feel less humiliated in the short term), but the reason I suggested that you go to counseling before your spouse confronts his friends is because the letters aren't really a solution that will work (especially not as you describe). Get to a counselor first. Go tomorrow. Get an urgent care appointment and get started. You will have to tolerate feeling humiliated for a few more hours/days until you can begin doing the work you need to do. I can 100% guarantee that the e-mails/letters you have described will not get you the closure for which you seek.

[Anonymous]

If I were one of those friends your husband talked to I would think it and you were even weirder if I got such a letter. You sound very young and immature yourself. You aren't even close to dealing with this as a mature adult. You can't make people like you. Give up on that now.

[Anonymous]

Okay, we will try to go to counseling tomorrow or as soon as we can get an appointment. DH will definitely agree to that. I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and cannot imagine talking to a counselor (even this threat has been hell for me).

Obviously, I wish I could turn back time and dump him and not have had two kids at least. But, I wanted children so badly, so I wonder if I was purposefully blind to the way he was treating me and this is my fault. In any case, I can not turn back time and I am not going to make the children suffer, so I will have to somehow make it work.

[Anonymous]

My personal opinion are that letters are the wrong way to go. Number one, you need to speak to a counselor before either of you takes another step with the friends. When the time comes to approach them, I would be in favor of him inviting everyone over, together, and then in front of you, he admits to what he's been doing and answers any questions they have. He also has to lay out new ground rules, including no bashing you, no trashing his marriage, and you are included in all group events from here on out. Anyone who can't be a friend of the marriage has to go. You should stay as silent as possible and let him take every last ounce of the heat. It is time he stood up for you. You need to see it happen.

If his friends hate you after this, then they need to be let go. Their feelings about that really aren't relevant.

+1000 BRAVO! *Standing ovation!* THIS!

[Anonymous]

+1 he should punch these fiends in the face

The friends are not the problem tho. THEY are being loyal to HIM...and reminding him of all the terrible things he said about this horrible horrible (according to lying husband) woman he married and two of them are even taking drastic measures (the silent treatment pact) to push him to rid himself of this albatross of a woman!

OP...your husband did this to you. The friends are only guilty of believing him and defending him and sticking up for him when they THINK he is not doing it. A letter (especially the one you describe that DH is "comfortable" with--one that confesses to nothing and just says "honest guys...DW is great") will only make them feel MORE sorry for him b/c they will be convinced that he sent it b/c the old ball and chain biotch made him! It will make it WORSE for you, not better!

The truth is likely that he doesn't want to come clean b/c he either really did mean all the things he said and has never loved you (not super likely if he is still pleading for you to forgive him for this rather than making an exit) or he is a complete coward when it comes to his friends.

He needs to own this and tell them TO THEIR FACES when you are there what went down. If he will not, then he must cut them out of his life. Period.

If you say "he won't do that" well then there is your answer. Pack your bags and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were one of those friends your husband talked to I would think it and you were even weirder if I got such a letter.

They will totally think she is weirder. OP if you send these letters you will be even more so the laughingstock of the whole group.

The friends are not in your marriage. If you're going to stay with your husband you have let that part of this craziness go. There is no fixing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.
.

And I've got a bridge...

Anonymous wrote:

The trips were not specifically to exclude me. The trips were for other reasons (big birthdays, etc), but DH told me that they were "guy trips" because he didn't want me to feel bad that his friends didn't want me there, but they were coed trips, and sometimes his friends told them they were "guys" trips and he says he was really surprised that there were girls, too.

Does writing these things down help you to believe them??

Lady your husband is the king of spin. A master manipulator.

[Anonymous]

He's not willing to drop the friends? This is nuts you need to leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Wait, wait, wait. Your husband said this, and your concern about it is what his friends think?? You're saying you are a-ok with being treated like crap, you just don't want other people knowing it.

+1 that is NUTS, OP!!! I’m just speechless. No words.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you want to fix your marriage there is nothing wrong with that. However, you are married to a person who, after lying to either you or his friends for YEARS about your relationship, has suggested that YOU write letters explaining what he did wrong to HIS friends for him to sign. He will not give up his friends and will resent you if you ask him to.

Think about that. He did wrong by you. His dishonored you and disrespected your marriage, but he expects you to fix it for him. He wants to keep friends who are not speaking to him until he leaves you. He is not doing any of the work to fix the marriage. What exactly was the nature of the pleading you say he’s done?

If he wants to fix this, he needs to demonstrate to you that he does respect and honor you and your marriage. He needs to do that himself, not with your words. He had plenty of words to badmouth you to his friends for years but suddenly he doesn’t know what to say? How about, “I’ve been a shitty husband to Anne by badmouthing her to you guys for years. I have no excuses for my behavior. I love my wife and my family and am committed to them. If you cannot respect Anne and my marriage, we cannot be friends anymore”? He doesn’t want to take responsibility for being such a terrible person, and he wants you to do it for him.

Normally I do not support people making their spouse choose between the marriage and their friends if there is not something untoward going on with the friends. In this case, though, your husband has created a situation where his friends have become actively hostile to you. He married you. He needs to choose you. If he can’t do that, I don’t know what the point of your marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not willing to drop the friends? This is nuts you need to leave

And if you’re not willing to leave, you have to accept that your DH isn’t a good person and you can never, ever trust him to have your back. That’s your reality and what you’re dealing with. What a pathetic person - how can you have any respect for him?

[Anonymous]

Are you guys religious at all? If you're in a church, I would suggest talking to your priest/pastor/minister to give him some guidance about prioritizing and protecting your marriage and holding it up above his friendships.

This is pretty majorly messed up. Have you ever spent time with his friends?

[Anonymous]

I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.