He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

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A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?

Nope. Apples and oranges. You’re really stretching here.

I considered cheating and then having sex with me a form of rape.

Then you need psychological help. You’re also minimizing the experience of actual rape victims.

I think she means that it removes the consent element and in a way she’s correct. It’s obtained through deception / manipulation and is adjacent to coercion.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

totally aside from the cheating issue, did your significant other come to you as a virgin?

People have a lot of hang ups about sex being dirty.

Yes, we met very young and each lost our virginity to the other.

The funny thing is, we've had what I thought was a pretty dirty (in a good way) sex life for the last 20+ years. We've been pretty adventurous. Tried all kinds of new things. Not super kinky I guess but robust and regular. Only short breaks around the births of our children. I've never said no to anything he wanted to do or try, I've worn all kinds of outfits and played with toys and watched porn and all kinds of stuff. Ask and ye shall receive. I enjoy sex.

Everything I saw from his laptop is him meeting up with a couple for threesomes with a man and a woman. In the exchanges he's very clear he's straight and not looking for sex with the man, but rather for another man to enjoy a beautiful woman with. He's told over the years this is a fantasy of his, but never asked me to act it out with him in real life. It never crossed my mind he would go from telling me this fantasy to acting it out with 2 strangers.

This is different. It would be easier for me to potentially forgive in some ways because he's looking for an experience and not another person per se; however, now that you see him as a liar and how easily he does it to you, it will be hard to see him any other way.

IT's not female, female, male. It's weird to me he wants the other man there. That raises some really weird new element into his sexuality and where he is headed or questioning.

OP here, I agree.

It's weird to you. To people who have a cuckold fetish, the presence of the other man is necessary. If he was questioning or not straight, he wouldn't be drawing the boundary of "the woman only".

Yeah but for the cuckold fetish the wife also has to be present. The cuckold fetish is common. But it involves the wife being with the third party while the husband watches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Yes

OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

DP. Please think about how "staying together for the kids" can have the opposite effect than you want it to have. Normalizing cheating (they will find out at some point and be devastated, even if they're adults at the time). Normalizing the woman accepting cheating. If he can get immediate and intensive treatment for addiction and afterward stop cheating and stay faithful, maybe there's a shot. But your kids might end up wondering why on Earth you stayed.

A lot of posts over the years on DCUM from adults who wished their parents had divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

Because you have no self respect? Because you think this is great modeling for your kids? Because you slip downward financially? Why would you act like it isn't happening?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Just nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

Because you have no self respect? Because you think this is great modeling for your kids? Because you slip downward financially? Why would you act like it isn't happening?

The cool thing about life is she doesn’t have to answer to your judgment or decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

Because you have no self respect? Because you think this is great modeling for your kids? Because you slip downward financially? Why would you act like it isn't happening?

The cool thing about life is she doesn’t have to answer to your judgment or decisions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to stop.
You don't want to get divorced.
Let that man continue to cheat in peace.
You get regular STI/ STD testing starting now

Ridiculous post, but I think "peace" is the right framework. Overtime, OP, I hope you are able to determine what solution will bring you the most peace. For me, it would be gathering information, attending to therapy, gaining financial control, especially of the large payout you expect in the near-term, and then filing for divorce in the least emotional way possible. I personally would have no peace in a marriage with a liar.

It's not ridiculous.
Her husband will not stop cheating.
He might put on a good act of changing but he won't.
She also doesn't want to divorce so she may as well use her knowledge to make sure she doesn't have any STDs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would confront him in therapy. You need support as you go through this. Gather your evidence and take your time.

Regarding your children — yes, we compromise over non ideal situations to make their lives better. However, living a lie will eat you from inside until you have nothing real left to give. Only stay if you guys can find a way back to a truthful relationship. Some people mentioned sex addiction — I think all cheating has an addictive core in that it’s done to escape shame. It’s not the sex per se, it’s the lying and hiding and dishonesty, the not being able to be open, to having a perfect facade that’s not you. I am sorry you are going through this but you are strong. This is not a failure, it’s the beginning of a real and honest life for you. Have courage.

Do not expect therapy to solve anything. In fact therapy might make it worse. Everyone has to behave and normalize behavior. Cheaters lie. Expect a lying game if you do this.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a good friend who is a doctor married to another doctor (he’s a sub specialty surgeon). She caught him in numerous infidelities. The fought, she kicked him out for six months, he paid off the mortgage and her remaining loans and they reconciled. They just celebrated 15 years together. Don’t let anyone else tell you what’s best for you.

[Anonymous]

Just separate bedrooms for now and tell the children that you and dad love each other and the kids but don't love each other romantically now. Start there.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who put up with her DH's infidelity for twenty plus years, guess what? He finally fell in love with one of them and told her he wants a divorce, she has no recourse. Be careful Op, be very careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to stop.
You don't want to get divorced.
Let that man continue to cheat in peace.
You get regular STI/ STD testing starting now

Ridiculous post, but I think "peace" is the right framework. Overtime, OP, I hope you are able to determine what solution will bring you the most peace. For me, it would be gathering information, attending to therapy, gaining financial control, especially of the large payout you expect in the near-term, and then filing for divorce in the least emotional way possible. I personally would have no peace in a marriage with a liar.

It's not ridiculous.
Her husband will not stop cheating.
He might put on a good act of changing but he won't.
She also doesn't want to divorce so she may as well use her knowledge to make sure she doesn't have any STDs

This post makes me think divorce is in her future:

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Thanks to everyone who has provided support and advice. I don't ever remember feeling this much pain my life except when someone I know has died young. And in a way, this is a death as well.

I got the full panel of STD tests this morning. I have retained a divorce lawyer for a consultation next week. I have also retained a private investigator who is beginning surveillance immediately.

At least that will give me some information before I make any decisions.

I cannot eat and I just want to sob but I am trying to act normal.

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

I feel like I am talking to an alien. I have no idea who this person is.

I think I am actually OK if he has sexual needs I cannot fulfill. I could perhaps come to a place of understanding on that. What is not OK is lying to me all the time, giving me an STD, and possibly impregnating or falling in love with someone else.

In reflecting on everything, I have also considered that he is getting a giant payout from his business in early January and I am thinking I am not going to do anything at all until that hits our joint bank account, which by the way I control. God forbid I confront him and he redirects that money to some other account. I worked hard for that money too and contributed a lot to his ability to earn it. I feel like I have no idea who I am even dealing with now.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I’m sorry for your pain. From what you wrote, it sounds like the primary issue you have with your DH is the dishonesty and potential disruption to your family, not the physical act itself. If so, I agree with this - I myself am not monogamous, but do not hide it from my DH. In my case, I have a specific kink DH does not share, and he is just fine outsourcing it. We have several ground rules, one of which is that my kink does not take time away from our family life. When DC was young, that meant I would only indulge very rarely (for example, if DC were at a sleepover). Now that DC is older and much more independent, I could do it more often but honestly am quite content with the status quo. DH and I have a healthy and loving relationship both physically and emotionally, and have sought to model that for DC. We have a happy home, and DH and I truly hope to grow old together, long after we’ve lost any kind of appetite for sex, kinky or otherwise!

I think all the things you’ve been doing since discovery are prudent, but would also suggest you talk with your DH (when you’re ready), see what’s going on with him, and determine how the two of you wish to proceed. I would not ignore or pretend, but that’s just my 2 cents based on my own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who put up with her DH's infidelity for twenty plus years, guess what? He finally fell in love with one of them and told her he wants a divorce, she has no recourse. Be careful Op, be very careful.

Yep. They see you as a doormat who tolerates the behavior.