He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

You sound really desperate to minimize cheating. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

NP. Obviously. This isn't even debatable. The cheater risks their children's stability, and instability shows up in many different negative ways. The cheater models cheating for them, and if they find out, it will absolutely affect their own romantic relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

NP. Obviously. This isn't even debatable. The cheater risks their children's stability, and instability shows up in many different negative ways. The cheater models cheating for them, and if they find out, it will absolutely affect their own romantic relationships.

If it weren’t “debatable” this wouldn’t be a 15-pages thread. Every situation is unique and no one is in any position to generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

And the answer to your question is “yes, and there are many forms of hurt and some are worse than cheating”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

And the answer to your question is “yes, and there are many forms of hurt and some are worse than cheating”

But we are not talking about those. Stop deflecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

lol why would that be the question? Everybody knows the answer to that. The question I’m asking is “does hurting your spouse and creating marital issues negatively impact your child’s upbringing, and is causing a negative impact on your child’s upbringing reflect how good of a parent you are?”

And the answer to your question is “yes, and there are many forms of hurt and some are worse than cheating”

Then okay cheating makes you a worse parent than you would be otherwise. Glad that’s settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?

Nope. Apples and oranges. You’re really stretching here.

Mmmm, I think maybe you're the one stretching.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you sure he didn’t leave it open for you to see? Maybe he wants you to be that woman to share with some man? Ask him if he wants to invite someone maybe this would be a solution to his kink (as long as it’s safe and enjoyable for you). Honestly, as a divorced female in my 40s I often fantasize about being with 2 men.

[Anonymous]

He's not going to stop.
You don't want to get divorced.
Let that man continue to cheat in peace.
You get regular STI/ STD testing starting now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

How do married men get attractive women to sleep with them if they don't at least wine and dine them and pay for the hotel rooms? What's in it for the women? Women who just want sex can get it a lot easier than men - why would they otherwise want anything to do with a middle aged married man?

Who says they have to be attractive? Who says they have to be wined and dined? Who says every dollar in the marriage counts anyway? There are a million DCUM posts where working women insist they don’t have to account for every dollar they spend.

A lot of these men control all the finances and “handle” them for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you sure he didn’t leave it open for you to see? Maybe he wants you to be that woman to share with some man? Ask him if he wants to invite someone maybe this would be a solution to his kink (as long as it’s safe and enjoyable for you). Honestly, as a divorced female in my 40s I often fantasize about being with 2 men.

NP. You might be on to something. Hell of a way going about it but at the subconscious level it's plausible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see you're thinking about vasectomy. Do this now. Immediately. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your family's futute (and assets)

Kind of? My friends' ex had his reversed and started a second family family.

This. Vasectomy is no obstacle for any man who wants more children. They can go in there and fish out the swimmers you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to stop.
You don't want to get divorced.
Let that man continue to cheat in peace.
You get regular STI/ STD testing starting now

Ridiculous post, but I think "peace" is the right framework. Overtime, OP, I hope you are able to determine what solution will bring you the most peace. For me, it would be gathering information, attending to therapy, gaining financial control, especially of the large payout you expect in the near-term, and then filing for divorce in the least emotional way possible. I personally would have no peace in a marriage with a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, i love a man who is not monogamous. I don’t want to/can’t build a life with him but I do love him. You may be able to continue to love your husband but building a life with someone who is not truthful is a whole other bag of worms. You need to separate the two—human complexity, your history, your love for one another, from the very tangible aspects of building a life, raising children, and growing as an individual. I don’t see how cheating and lying are compatible with the second set of tasks. Either he comes fully clean and you decide together whether to continue (and he has to fully face himself and be realistic about what he can and cannot promise), or you live a sham life by staying.

Perceptive and realistic post, OP. Read it again. Especially the part in bold. Two things are going on, and one is--for this PP and for many of the rest of us -- not compatible with the other. You and your DH have a serious choice to make, unless you choose to bury your head in the sand entirely. If you do that, be aware that you are therefore giving him 100 percent of your mental real estate. His actions will have dictated your reaction, which is to pretend your previous life still exists. It doesn't, because you can't unlearn what you now know.