Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

OP, I think you made the right choice cutting him loose. He made it clear that he wants to keep up what you had, not give you more like you wanted. You gave him a Hail Mary opportunity and instead of talking about how your relationship could grow into what you want, he tried to get you to accept the status quo. He's looking out for what he wants, not what you want.

I either wouldn't respond or I would give one sentence along the lines of "I made my decision and I wish you the best." Because your wants and needs matter too regardless of whether he agrees.

I think it's very telling that he texted you that instead of calling.

I don't see the harm in trying again so long as he understands that what you want is different from what was happening - and that you are willing to walk if he still isn't giving you what you need (and deserve).

It's not needy to want to make plans more than a few days in advance, for pete's sake! It's very normal. Four months in, you shouldn't be acting like every date might be the last time you ever get together and it's all still a test as to whether you want to do this - four months in, you should have some comfort level, some habits, some plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy?
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?

OP: yes, some of this does ring a bell and I do like him. Honestly, I go back and forth with the possibility of him just being too literal (and British), with the scenario that he's just using me for sex. I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to go back to the status quo either. I could totally understand if he was concerned about going all in because of the kids, but he has never said that. So I'm confused.

"Using" is a very loaded term. You can enjoy being with someone, and enjoy sex with them, and still not be ready for (or interested in) a more committed, stable relationship. That's not necessarily "using" a person - but it's also not the same as being partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

Do you want to give it another try? If you do, you need to start new behaviors. Maybe before meeting up in person, try having a phone call and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

This guy is emotionally cruel: you ended things several times, that takes a lot of emotional energy because you have to grieve giving up the good parts, hurting him etc. And he keeps coming back?? If you love someone you respect what they decide is best for them. He does not do that, just keeps messing with your emotions without offering anything new/better for the future. Just imagine you got back together... he would hold this resentment over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy?
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?

OP: yes, some of this does ring a bell and I do like him. Honestly, I go back and forth with the possibility of him just being too literal (and British), with the scenario that he's just using me for sex. I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to go back to the status quo either. I could totally understand if he was concerned about going all in because of the kids, but he has never said that. So I'm confused.

PP here. I think some of this seems to be a temperament issue with him. Like he’s not taking initiative, suggesting the right things, pushing for more. But what’s unclear to me is whether he’s not doing so because he’s content with this AND would be content with more, or if he’s hesitant. I think one thing is for sure, the guy is into you and not into playing the field as this is a lot of risk of rejection he’s willing to go through — circling back after you’ve told him no so many times. Only you can gauge based on what you know of his intentions where that comes from.

Dating is a bit different in Britain and British men are pretty reserved, however they are generally more straightforward than American men. I think if he’s exclusive with you the next step would be a lifelong commitment. However that would happen after many more months. For context, 80% is a B- in American terms but an A or A+ on the British scale. I read him saying 80 as he feels very strongly but just isn’t ready to marry you quite yet.

As for calling, going on holiday, etc. it sounds like you guys may have a bit of a mismatch in terms of intimacy needs. Very likely what you have going feels full fledged to him. You might want to be concrete with him and say, I’m a romantic person and I enjoy more contact in this courtship phase — such as phone calls, saying goodnight every night, fun trips or special occasions. Is that not appealing to you, or what would be your ideal? I can’t tell if you reserve such things for a serious relationship and you feel we haven’t gotten there yet. Just talk to him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

PP here. Yes, I am married to someone like you. I got tired of romantic types who never delivered and went for dependable. 10+ years in, though, I’m very happy. My partner has slowly learned what romantic gestures are important to me, and true to his nature I get them like clock work! It took patience and a lot of explaining about what I liked and why. Is it the kind of electric Wow, this person gets me kind of feeling, no. But it’s steady and genuine and so deeply heartfelt. I would much rather that than some guy who’s hot under the collar for the chase and fizzles out.

Stamina and determination would win for me every day over intensity and romance. If he cares enough he will take the time to learn what you need and give it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy?
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?

OP: yes, some of this does ring a bell and I do like him. Honestly, I go back and forth with the possibility of him just being too literal (and British), with the scenario that he's just using me for sex. I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to go back to the status quo either. I could totally understand if he was concerned about going all in because of the kids, but he has never said that. So I'm confused.

PP here. I think some of this seems to be a temperament issue with him. Like he’s not taking initiative, suggesting the right things, pushing for more. But what’s unclear to me is whether he’s not doing so because he’s content with this AND would be content with more, or if he’s hesitant. I think one thing is for sure, the guy is into you and not into playing the field as this is a lot of risk of rejection he’s willing to go through — circling back after you’ve told him no so many times. Only you can gauge based on what you know of his intentions where that comes from.

Dating is a bit different in Britain and British men are pretty reserved, however they are generally more straightforward than American men. I think if he’s exclusive with you the next step would be a lifelong commitment. However that would happen after many more months. For context, 80% is a B- in American terms but an A or A+ on the British scale. I read him saying 80 as he feels very strongly but just isn’t ready to marry you quite yet.

As for calling, going on holiday, etc. it sounds like you guys may have a bit of a mismatch in terms of intimacy needs. Very likely what you have going feels full fledged to him. You might want to be concrete with him and say, I’m a romantic person and I enjoy more contact in this courtship phase — such as phone calls, saying goodnight every night, fun trips or special occasions. Is that not appealing to you, or what would be your ideal? I can’t tell if you reserve such things for a serious relationship and you feel we haven’t gotten there yet. Just talk to him!

Also, I would be specific about what these things do for you. It turns me on when… I feel desired when… whatever. You guys are different. If you like him as much as you say you do, what do you have to lose by telling him and giving him a chance to deliver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

PP here. Yes, I am married to someone like you. I got tired of romantic types who never delivered and went for dependable. 10+ years in, though, I’m very happy. My partner has slowly learned what romantic gestures are important to me, and true to his nature I get them like clock work! It took patience and a lot of explaining about what I liked and why. Is it the kind of electric Wow, this person gets me kind of feeling, no. But it’s steady and genuine and so deeply heartfelt. I would much rather that than some guy who’s hot under the collar for the chase and fizzles out.

Stamina and determination would win for me every day over intensity and romance. If he cares enough he will take the time to learn what you need and give it.

OP: I totally get what you’re saying. I’m not sure if he’s the dependable type based on his relationship history though. He left his marriage after 3 years, and in the 6 years since the divorce he’s only had a string of 3-month relationships (besides ours I guess).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy is emotionally cruel: you ended things several times, that takes a lot of emotional energy because you have to grieve giving up the good parts, hurting him etc. And he keeps coming back?? If you love someone you respect what they decide is best for them. He does not do that, just keeps messing with your emotions without offering anything new/better for the future. Just imagine you got back together... he would hold this resentment over you.

Actually, its the opposite: OP ended things several times and doesn't just say no when he comes back. She's the one who is being emotionally cruel in this situation by stringing him along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

Texting again instead of calling? Haha
Apparently he doesn't get it. Why wasting your time with him?
If I were you, I would text back "I don't think we should. Goodbye."

I know you want the relationship to work, but didn't you learn anything from your previous relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

I would respond. But I would confirm what he means by another chance. Does he mean going back to the same as before while you wait/hope he gets to that last 20% before he is willing to plan more than 2 days in advance into the future and talk on the phone OR does he mean he is willing to address some of the things you mentioned when you met up at the coffee shop? I would have no interest in the return to the status quo. I would consider giving another chance if he wants to make changes based on our conversation. However, I would respond in a way that he has to take the lead in telling me what he means - I might say, “okay I’m interested in hearing your reasons why and what would be different the second time around”

It looks like OP had this conversation, the guy wasn't willing to commit, then she ended it. Then he asks for the coffee shop meeting, reiterates that he's not ready for even a relationship but may be in the future, but wants her to keep up the current situation that benefits him but not OP. I understood the 80% in as he's 80% on the way to wanting a relationship with OP, not 80% towards marriage. Sorry, but 4 months in with sex and dates 2-3 x/week but still not sure about even having a relationship = unlikely to ever be truly committed to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

PP here. Yes, I am married to someone like you. I got tired of romantic types who never delivered and went for dependable. 10+ years in, though, I’m very happy. My partner has slowly learned what romantic gestures are important to me, and true to his nature I get them like clock work! It took patience and a lot of explaining about what I liked and why. Is it the kind of electric Wow, this person gets me kind of feeling, no. But it’s steady and genuine and so deeply heartfelt. I would much rather that than some guy who’s hot under the collar for the chase and fizzles out.

Stamina and determination would win for me every day over intensity and romance. If he cares enough he will take the time to learn what you need and give it.

OP: I totally get what you’re saying. I’m not sure if he’s the dependable type based on his relationship history though. He left his marriage after 3 years, and in the 6 years since the divorce he’s only had a string of 3-month relationships (besides ours I guess).

Good points. Why did he leave his marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

PP here. Yes, I am married to someone like you. I got tired of romantic types who never delivered and went for dependable. 10+ years in, though, I’m very happy. My partner has slowly learned what romantic gestures are important to me, and true to his nature I get them like clock work! It took patience and a lot of explaining about what I liked and why. Is it the kind of electric Wow, this person gets me kind of feeling, no. But it’s steady and genuine and so deeply heartfelt. I would much rather that than some guy who’s hot under the collar for the chase and fizzles out.

Stamina and determination would win for me every day over intensity and romance. If he cares enough he will take the time to learn what you need and give it.

OP: I totally get what you’re saying. I’m not sure if he’s the dependable type based on his relationship history though. He left his marriage after 3 years, and in the 6 years since the divorce he’s only had a string of 3-month relationships (besides ours I guess).

Good points. Why did he leave his marriage?

OP: on the plus side, he has never said a bad word about his ex (like some men do). Always positive. But, he said they weren’t a good match and it got very monotonous and he couldn’t see living the rest of his life like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This guy is emotionally cruel: you ended things several times, that takes a lot of emotional energy because you have to grieve giving up the good parts, hurting him etc. And he keeps coming back?? If you love someone you respect what they decide is best for them. He does not do that, just keeps messing with your emotions without offering anything new/better for the future. Just imagine you got back together... he would hold this resentment over you.

Actually, its the opposite: OP ended things several times and doesn't just say no when he comes back. She's the one who is being emotionally cruel in this situation by stringing him along.

He seems excessively masochistic. She ended it, dude. Go away, move on, take the L, stop beating your head against the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

My response would be "I'm 80% sure we should not. With a bit more time I will be 100% sure."